Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Finding life hard

22 replies

Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 10:36

I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with life. I'm 49 and have a 12 year old and 16 year old and they're the only thing that keeps me going. I am in a loveless relationship with their father who owns the house so I have nowhere to go except back with my overbearing, narcissistic mum as I have no money even though I work stupid hours to make some. I don't sleep well and am always tired. I've applied for social housing but know that could take years to get somewhere. I have a bestie but very few other people I could call "friends" and have been crapped on so many times I don't trust anyone anyway. I am in no way attractive and never have been and can't help but think how better my life would have been if I was. In short, I see no light at the end of the tunnel. Does anyone else have any experience or felt the same? I know things could be worse and lots of people have it worse than me but it's not helping my way of thinking at the moment.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 08/10/2023 11:02

That does sound really hard.

One plus side is your kids are older which frees up some time to change things

Are you married to your partner?

AnotherTeaPlease · 08/10/2023 11:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:08

No, we're not married. Sometimes it isn't any easier with older children as I now have to get my oldest to and from the nearest train station 8 miles away as we're quite rural, so trying to find a different job to make more money is quite difficult at the moment. Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:
Antst · 08/10/2023 11:11

This is no way to live. You're not going to be able to find a magic solution to your problems, but you can certainly improve things. I think a few key improvements would make you feel a lot better.

The first thing you need to do is start getting regular and sufficient sleep. There are many processes that happen in our bodies on a cycle. So if you're going to sleep and waking up at different times, you may find it harder to get to sleep and you'll also feel worse. So if you're not already in a routine as far as sleep, you need to get into one where you go to bed at the same time every night. Here are some other tips.

Don't exercise within a couple of hours of bedtime or take a shower (both will raise your body temperature and heart rate and will make you feel less inclined to sleep). Tea and chocolate and coffee all contain caffeine, so don't drink/eat those within about five or six hours of going to sleep. If you don't already, start a routine before you go to bed so your body will start automatically getting ready for sleep as you do each task. For example, fill the hot water bottle, brush your teeth, put your moisturizer on, etc.

The other thing that will help is to get enough exercise. I bet you're currently not getting enough if you're not feeling good. You may not want to do it, but I guarantee you'll wonder why you didn't in the long-run. You need stretching (e.g., yoga), strength training, and cardio...

Can you join a gym (the social atmosphere might help you too)? Can you at least take the dog (and maybe other family members; might improve the relationships in the family) for a walk when you first get up and arrive home from work? Add a little jog in somewhere.

Start off with these things - sleep and exercise. Make sure you're getting enough vitamins and nutrition (maybe ask your GP for a blood test to ensure you're not low on vitamin D or iron, etc). THEN tackle the other issues. You need to be feeling better physically in order to be able to deal with anything else.

By the way, you don't need to trust people or have deep relationships with them in order to get out there and start having social interaction. Get on Meetup.com and see if there are any local activities you could try. Join an exercise class. Don't set your goal as high as having friends to start off with. What I'm telling you to do here is to start by making small changes. Those will make you feel better and you'll be in a position to start dealing with the larger stuff. Please update us.

AnotherTeaPlease · 08/10/2023 11:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AlexandriasWindmill · 08/10/2023 11:14

I think life is hard (but obviously also can be wonderful rewarding etc etc). I'm struck by your age and wonder if you're peri or menopausal too? Your life is difficult and has real challenges. I'm not diminishing that. But hormones and vitamin levels also play havoc with our energy levels and emotions, and can definitely add to that feeling of just grinding along rather than living. It might be worth a GP appointment and some blood tests.
Also, at a very simple level, can you find something for you eg a hobby, a local community group. You need an outside interest and way to meet a new peer group.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:23

Antst · 08/10/2023 11:11

This is no way to live. You're not going to be able to find a magic solution to your problems, but you can certainly improve things. I think a few key improvements would make you feel a lot better.

The first thing you need to do is start getting regular and sufficient sleep. There are many processes that happen in our bodies on a cycle. So if you're going to sleep and waking up at different times, you may find it harder to get to sleep and you'll also feel worse. So if you're not already in a routine as far as sleep, you need to get into one where you go to bed at the same time every night. Here are some other tips.

Don't exercise within a couple of hours of bedtime or take a shower (both will raise your body temperature and heart rate and will make you feel less inclined to sleep). Tea and chocolate and coffee all contain caffeine, so don't drink/eat those within about five or six hours of going to sleep. If you don't already, start a routine before you go to bed so your body will start automatically getting ready for sleep as you do each task. For example, fill the hot water bottle, brush your teeth, put your moisturizer on, etc.

The other thing that will help is to get enough exercise. I bet you're currently not getting enough if you're not feeling good. You may not want to do it, but I guarantee you'll wonder why you didn't in the long-run. You need stretching (e.g., yoga), strength training, and cardio...

Can you join a gym (the social atmosphere might help you too)? Can you at least take the dog (and maybe other family members; might improve the relationships in the family) for a walk when you first get up and arrive home from work? Add a little jog in somewhere.

Start off with these things - sleep and exercise. Make sure you're getting enough vitamins and nutrition (maybe ask your GP for a blood test to ensure you're not low on vitamin D or iron, etc). THEN tackle the other issues. You need to be feeling better physically in order to be able to deal with anything else.

By the way, you don't need to trust people or have deep relationships with them in order to get out there and start having social interaction. Get on Meetup.com and see if there are any local activities you could try. Join an exercise class. Don't set your goal as high as having friends to start off with. What I'm telling you to do here is to start by making small changes. Those will make you feel better and you'll be in a position to start dealing with the larger stuff. Please update us.

Yes, I think not sleeping well isn't helping. I have thought about going to a gym or swimming. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

The only bus service we have is every two hours and he doesn't do a set schedule daily. The road is a busy A road with many dangerous junctions and roundabouts and I just don't feel at ease with him, very vulnerable on a push bike. Hopefully he'll start driving when he turns 17 next year.

OP posts:
Antst · 08/10/2023 11:28

@Bluebirthdaycard, honestly, I bet it'll be your number one problem. Nothing works if we're not sleeping properly. Really make it a priority to tackle it. Remove some of your stress by putting off dealing with everything else until you're feeling better physically.

And if you're driving your son to the station anyway, why not use that as an opportunity to go to a gym or activity?

Your husband could probably do with going too. It might help your relationship to do something together, but if you'd prefer to go alone and meet people, that would be good too.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:28

AlexandriasWindmill · 08/10/2023 11:14

I think life is hard (but obviously also can be wonderful rewarding etc etc). I'm struck by your age and wonder if you're peri or menopausal too? Your life is difficult and has real challenges. I'm not diminishing that. But hormones and vitamin levels also play havoc with our energy levels and emotions, and can definitely add to that feeling of just grinding along rather than living. It might be worth a GP appointment and some blood tests.
Also, at a very simple level, can you find something for you eg a hobby, a local community group. You need an outside interest and way to meet a new peer group.

You could be right about menopause, I hadn't thought of it before. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:33

Antst · 08/10/2023 11:28

@Bluebirthdaycard, honestly, I bet it'll be your number one problem. Nothing works if we're not sleeping properly. Really make it a priority to tackle it. Remove some of your stress by putting off dealing with everything else until you're feeling better physically.

And if you're driving your son to the station anyway, why not use that as an opportunity to go to a gym or activity?

Your husband could probably do with going too. It might help your relationship to do something together, but if you'd prefer to go alone and meet people, that would be good too.

I think the relationship is beyond repair and has been for some time. I start work at 4am 4 days a week for many years and might get a short nap in the day, so tiredness goes with the territory.

OP posts:
Antst · 08/10/2023 11:34

Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:28

You could be right about menopause, I hadn't thought of it before. Thank you.

Show quote history

That is a good thought. And it's something that doing strength training and yoga and doing other exercise can really help with.

If I sound like I'm nagging, it's because I am. I think things could look very different if you felt better physically.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:36

Not nagging at all, I've put this on here for any input and am taking all the comments on board. Thank you.

OP posts:
Antst · 08/10/2023 11:36

Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:33

I think the relationship is beyond repair and has been for some time. I start work at 4am 4 days a week for many years and might get a short nap in the day, so tiredness goes with the territory.

Show quote history

That certainly does make things harder, but you need to figure out a solution.

If you can't change your schedule, at least make sure you're getting up at roughly the same time every day and (crucially) that you schedule regular time each day to get enough sleep when you are home. Please do this. There are so many health problems associated with not getting enough sleep.

I'll stop nagging now, but sincerely hope you will take this advice.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:39

To add, I am overweight and don't eat properly but I think it's comfort eating more than anything. I do have an active job where I can walk up to 5 miles in a shift. Ironically sometimes being at work is where I feel better.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 08/10/2023 11:57

I imagine that you'd sleep better if you weren't stuck living with your partner.

He would have to provide for his children, and you're working, so what would the housing possibilities be? I appreciate that the rental market is a nightmare atm.

Antst · 08/10/2023 11:58

Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 11:39

To add, I am overweight and don't eat properly but I think it's comfort eating more than anything. I do have an active job where I can walk up to 5 miles in a shift. Ironically sometimes being at work is where I feel better.

Well, being overweight often goes along with stress and not sleeping well.

It's great that you have an active job. That activity will be helping your health. But weight is mostly about diet. I used to run for over three hours per day and was still overweight because I had a cake-making hobby!

I think that once you're feeling a bit better from getting enough sleep and getting proper exercise (stretching, strength, and cardio), you'll be in a better position to tackle the eating. For now, do what you can to eat only at defined meal times and to cut back on junk.

The reason I think you need to be getting other exercise even though you have an active job is that you'll still have muscle stiffness and tension. Also, even if you're walking around, you won't be building muscle (which is lost as we get older, particularly during menopause). Your heart rate probably isn't getting that elevated. If you feel stronger and fitter, you'll feel better in general.

I'm breaking my promise not to nag here... Please, please deal with your sleep issues. Make an appointment with your GP. If you can afford it, maybe find a specialist to talk to about it. Shift workers often have poor health and issues with depression, etc, because of the constantly disrupted sleep schedule. The exercise will help.

Things may not be great with your partner, but if you're going to have to keep living together, they can get better. It sounds like everything is getting on top of you and you need to do something to break out of that rut. I think working on the sleep and joining a gym/exercise class might be the key.

I lost weight when I went for an appointment for a hospital procedure and a very straight-talking surgeon asked if I knew how much I weighed. I told her a figure that was five stone less than I turned out to weigh! I came out of that appointment and immediately changed my ways. Three years later, I think I've only overeaten two or three times since. I count my calories so that I don't eat over a certain number each day and changed hobbies! I don't know how helpful this is for you but maybe it helps to know it can be done and it's OK to put yourself first and take all of these issues very seriously.

Tell your family you're not feeling great and need to make some changes. Maybe you can get the kids on board with eating more healthily and joining you in exercise. It would be nice to spend time with them away from a screen and doing something to teach them healthy habits. I really hope this works out for you.

toadasoda · 08/10/2023 12:04

I agree with @Antst Start with working on your body and mind.

I'm overweight too and constantly eating to cope with life so I get it's hard. I've started yoga and it's helping me a lot. Do check bloods too. I have a thyroid imbalance and when it gets bad I get so low and my confidence plummets, its amazing how the body influences the mind.

Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 12:17

SparklingLime · 08/10/2023 11:57

I imagine that you'd sleep better if you weren't stuck living with your partner.

He would have to provide for his children, and you're working, so what would the housing possibilities be? I appreciate that the rental market is a nightmare atm.

I've looked at 3 bedroom private rental and it's just not going to be possible on one wage, even if I were to get more hours. I don't know how others manage private rent on one income.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebirthdaycard · 08/10/2023 12:21

Antst · 08/10/2023 11:58

Well, being overweight often goes along with stress and not sleeping well.

It's great that you have an active job. That activity will be helping your health. But weight is mostly about diet. I used to run for over three hours per day and was still overweight because I had a cake-making hobby!

I think that once you're feeling a bit better from getting enough sleep and getting proper exercise (stretching, strength, and cardio), you'll be in a better position to tackle the eating. For now, do what you can to eat only at defined meal times and to cut back on junk.

The reason I think you need to be getting other exercise even though you have an active job is that you'll still have muscle stiffness and tension. Also, even if you're walking around, you won't be building muscle (which is lost as we get older, particularly during menopause). Your heart rate probably isn't getting that elevated. If you feel stronger and fitter, you'll feel better in general.

I'm breaking my promise not to nag here... Please, please deal with your sleep issues. Make an appointment with your GP. If you can afford it, maybe find a specialist to talk to about it. Shift workers often have poor health and issues with depression, etc, because of the constantly disrupted sleep schedule. The exercise will help.

Things may not be great with your partner, but if you're going to have to keep living together, they can get better. It sounds like everything is getting on top of you and you need to do something to break out of that rut. I think working on the sleep and joining a gym/exercise class might be the key.

I lost weight when I went for an appointment for a hospital procedure and a very straight-talking surgeon asked if I knew how much I weighed. I told her a figure that was five stone less than I turned out to weigh! I came out of that appointment and immediately changed my ways. Three years later, I think I've only overeaten two or three times since. I count my calories so that I don't eat over a certain number each day and changed hobbies! I don't know how helpful this is for you but maybe it helps to know it can be done and it's OK to put yourself first and take all of these issues very seriously.

Tell your family you're not feeling great and need to make some changes. Maybe you can get the kids on board with eating more healthily and joining you in exercise. It would be nice to spend time with them away from a screen and doing something to teach them healthy habits. I really hope this works out for you.

Show quote history

I didn't know about weight and sleep either. I'm not massively overweight, a couple of stone. Maybe joining a gym would be a good idea. Thanks again!

OP posts:
Antst · 08/10/2023 12:39

toadasoda · 08/10/2023 12:04

I agree with @Antst Start with working on your body and mind.

I'm overweight too and constantly eating to cope with life so I get it's hard. I've started yoga and it's helping me a lot. Do check bloods too. I have a thyroid imbalance and when it gets bad I get so low and my confidence plummets, its amazing how the body influences the mind.

I'm so glad to hear that, toadasoda. You're doing exactly the right thing. Start with one thing and as that leads you to feel better, you'll feel able to take on other exercise as well. The more you do and achieve, the less time and inclination you'll have to eat.

I started yoga to deal with muscle stiffness. I couldn't sit cross-legged anymore or touch my hands together over my head. It has taken over a year to get back to the flexibility I had during childhood (I'm telling you so you don't give up if you don't see fast results), but it has been so, so worth it. Even sitting here typing is more comfortable now and I never get aches and pains anymore.

Yes, I can't get over how much less stressed and how much happier I am because I feel better physically. The reason I'm nagging at the OP is that my mother led an isolated, unhealthy life in an unhappy marriage in a rural area and I couldn't help her. Every problem is so much more manageable when we have good health. Feeling strong opens up options.

AlexandriasWindmill · 08/10/2023 14:50

I recognised the feeling of life being hard because I felt the same last year. I was overweight and struggling with chronic pain, DH, grief, etc. A few things helped me. I went to the GP and had blood tests done which showed I had some vitamin deficiencies and was peri-menopausal.
I also joined WW because I was finding it so difficult to lose weight. Their four pillars includes sleep so I did prioritise that and they also have a brilliant online menopause group. There are so many symptoms that I'd been completely unaware of and honestly it's been a great support. It really encouraged me to focus on myself, prioritise all aspects of my health and my needs. Yy I lost weight too but the biggest impact was on my mindset and I really benefited from having a group of people I could chat to every week. It might be worth a try.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page