Issues with dm

[1newname]

I've name changed because I think it would be easy to work out who I am if you know me.

I don't know where to start. I'm trying to get counseling to speak to someone irl as I feel I have issues due to my upbringing.

I'm 1 of 6, same mum all different dads. I want to have a close relationship with dm but don't have any respect for her due to the terrible decisions she's made. If you look up histrionic personality disorder, that's her. All the dads were drug addicts, alcoholics or mentally ill. I've always been embarrassed by her and still am. When I was a child she didn't wear shoes, would wear revealing clothes, no bra. I was home schooled until year 7 and when I finally went to school, she started volunteering there. She was also a cannabis dealer and went to prison twice (once before I was born). She also used to have sex in front of us because it was "natural". There's so much more but I'd be here all day.

I don't think she's a bad person but bloody hell she's made a lot of mistakes, not that she admits that.

Just need to get this off my chest.

Those aren’t mistakes, that is abusive. Would you ever treat a child the way she treated you? Or expose a child to what you were exposed to?

I know you want a close relationship with her, but are you sure it’s the healthiest thing for you to be doing? If she’s not acknowledging that she’s ‘made mistakes’ in the past, that doesn’t bode well for her judgement in the future. In your position, I’d be doing the counselling and putting as much distance between us as possible.

Also, do you want a relationship with her? Or the mum you wish she’d been?

I think you want a relationship with someone who is a mother-figure and you probably want your own mother to be different from the person she is. Have you had any counselling or therapy to help you deal your childhood?

@Nagado absolutely not! I'm the opposite, the thought of my dc even accidentally walking in on me and dh repulses me. I still feel a responsibility towards her as a human being. She recently had an accident and is quite frail, I don't want her to suffer. I'm so conflicted.

She always justifies everything she's done with some bizarre reasoning. And yes, I wish I had a normal mum.

I haven't had counseling but I'm waiting to hear back from a counseling service.

Hi OP, reading this is just heart wrenching. I feel so sorry for the little girl who had to go through all that and the woman you are now who is still dealing with the fallout.

The biggest challenge is that your mum hasn’t actually changed, so it’s not a case of forgiving the past and living well in the present. Honestly, I think the only way you can stem the harm is to cut off your mum. Not through spite but through self preservation. And then think about all the ways that little girl can begin to be healed (like counselling) and start to work through them.

I personally wouldn’t look for accountability from her because I think you will be disappointed. You can move forward without this though, it will just be a different path.

OP. I'm sorry that your mum wasn't really a mum. I agree that therapy to grieve that might help. I'm not sure you can have the relationship you want with your mum, and seeking it may just cause more disappointment in the long run. I think you are looking the wrong way. What I mean is you're looking up the family tree, when you would be better to look down at the little ones for whom you can and will be their world. You may never have the closeness you want from your mum - but you can and will offer it to your DCs. Fill your cup from those relationships and leave the past behind you.

Thank you for your kind words. I find it really hard to accept the way it is. I've tried multiple times over the years to get her to realise she did lots of things that are inexcusable but she has such a strange way of looking at everything. How can you justify 6 kids with 6 men? And she's an intelligent person. I can't cut ties, I don't think she's a bad person, just very flawed.

My siblings have worse relationships with her than me and barely make an effort.

How are your sibling getting on with their more distant relationship with her? What kind of an impact has it had on them?

They all have pretty negative feelings towards her. I'm only close with 1 sister and we talk regularly about our childhood but I don't talk to the other siblings about it.

I don't think you have to cut ties. Not if you don't want to. But I do think that counselling will help. You sound like you have so many good relationships in your life, and reasons to be thankful. A good DH, a child. Purpose and a future. I just think that those other relationships are your future and the past and those from it, including your mum, are things you have to reconcile and leave behind. I'm not a religious person (actually I'm an atheist), but I do think there is truth in the Christian idea of forgiveness. You will need to forgive your mum for what she did and who she is today, but not for her sake - you do it for your own sake so you don't have to carry the burden with you through life.

@Fahbeep I think you're right. I just don't seem to be able to accept she is an intelligent person who can't see reality. It's so frustrating.

I'm hoping counseling will help.

You were significantly abused by this woman, who subjected you to horrific things no child should ever see. She was likely abused herself, which is why her boundaries were so poor. I think she made very bad choices re the men she had children with, who almost certainly choose her for her vulnerabilities. Her sexual behaviour in front of you is completely unjustifiable, no matter what she says.

That you have such a clear moral compass is incredible. Counselling might be helpful in reducing the presence of your past experiences in you life now. Keep your children well clear.

@Nipplesrus thank you. I really really don't think she was abused. She would have told me. Her version is that she had a Victorian upbringing where emotions shouldn't be shown, skirt above the knee etc. This is her rebellion. She was pregnant at 17 and kicked out of home, took lots and lots of drugs. I wonder if that is part of her mental weirdness.

My kids do see her sometimes (they are 15 and 17) but they know I don't agree with lots of what she says.

She actually left my older siblings when they were 14 and 16 and moved to the other side of the country. Apparently this was ok because "they'd left home already"