Mum-zoned by family

[SisterWedge]

Hello, I feel completely put upon by everyone in my life and can't take any more. I'm a working single parent, I also happen to be the only driver in my family. I've had a hectic fortnight which conincided with a chest infection and I feel like shit. I'm running round doing school run, working, sorting kids, trying to keep it together.

Despite this my parents and siblings have been incredibly demanding. Streams of messages asking me inane questions. Then they need lifts or some shit from ebay picked up, so want me to do it in my car. They've dropped into my house and sat waiting to be served tea and biscuits. I'm clearly ill and they've commented how I need to recover - but offer zero help and then actually add to my load.

I think I've finally dropped into the zone of just being "mum" whose duty it is to do everything for everyone and have no wants and needs of my own.

I do it without issue for my dc but it's the adults in my life, who previously seemed to operate independently, that are exhausting me. Then there's a knock on effect as work becomes an extra burden and I don't want to see friends as I don't have the energy.

I want to lie under a duvet all day.

The clear answer is tell them to eff off. I think I will, but the fallout will be ugly and a different type of isolation will follow.

Can anyone else relate?

Fuck that OP! You don't need to tell them all to clear off if you think it will cause you more of a headache, but you can say no! No I'm busy, no it doesn't fit in with my day, no I'm not well etc. You don't have to offer justification either, you can just say no. There doesn't have to be a war, you can be perfectly convivial when you say no. How they react is not really your issue.

If you don't want to be disturbed, leave your key in the door locked. You can mute or archive messages if you're using WhatsApp or similar so you won't even see their texts until you're ready to read them.

It's awful they are taking advantage of you like this, you don't need to keep letting them though

Agree, they are taking advantage of you. Every time you do them a favour they will ask you for another one, so start saying No.

They probably wont take any limits well, but maybe tell them you are modifying what you have to do with your children as much as possible but need the help of the adults in the family to reduce the demands on you at the moment. If they are just clueless, they may reign in their demands. If not, you dont have to feel bad, you will know they are just selfish. Agree with the tip about the door and phones. Perhaps give them a specific time and day you can help them - like, I think I will be well enough to help you with things on saturday afternoon for an hour - and keep saying this if they ask for anything. Ignore inane questions. Remember no is a complete sentence in itself. Practice broken record technique - no, I cant help you today, no it is not possible, nope not able to, etc etc. Just keep repeating no. And if they want to engage and argue, make your answers shorter and shorter, until you get to a simple no. The less you give them, the less they can argue with. If they manage to get in, lay down on the sofa or go to bed if you can and leave them to it.

Time to start charging for lifts. (Petrol AND time) Your family sound like selfish wankers. Also group message stating how you feel this week.

“Hi all,
Just a heads up… @SisterWedge‘s taxi service is closed for the foreseeable future. If you have made arrangements to collect random eBay shit, you will have to collect it yourself.

Don’t drop in expecting to be served tea and biscuits. I will not be entertaining guests. You may be family, but unless you live in my house, you are a guest.

In fact, unless you are offering to help me for once, think twice about calling.”

Could you enlist your parents' help in reining in your siblings' demands and vice versa? That way they won't have to confront their own behaviour.

Tell everyone your doctor says toy have to reduce x y z as he is concerned about your stress/BP

As you know, you have made a rod for your back here. Make the change quickly to minimise fuss. Of course people won’t like it but that’s tough.

The onus is on you to tell them you’re too poorly or too tired or too busy. You can do it politely, warmly and just hold the boundary firm regardless of the fallout. They are only doing this because you allow it so time to stop enabling.

you could reply to the texts with ‘I’m too burnt out to do this’ or ‘I’m too burnt out to even think about this’

Also be much slower to read texts and WhatsApp’s. Maybe even just once a day after work and just 20 minutes to catch up with messages before putting them on silent.