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Original poster

Funeral preparations

13 replies

bereavementhrowaway · 05/10/2023 18:44

Want to check if I'm missing anything, as I've not really attended many funerals as an adult.

My DM died recently, before her time. 'D'F is already texting his ex (he cheated on her and belittled her throughout their relationship) and was very very reluctant to have any service at all. My DM didn't like a fuss, but I felt like it was appropriate to have something for the friends who loved her to attend, for closure (long term illness, very withdrawn from normal life in the last year).

We have reached a sort of compromise and have got a morning slot (of just 20 mins) in a rural crematorium. This includes a few songs and time for short speeches.

I've booked and paid for a buffet lunch in the nearest city, in a nice pub that's 15 minutes away by car from the crematorium. There's a two hour gap between the lunch and the ceremony as that was the only cheap slot available.

Is it OK to expect guests to turn up for lunch after milling around after the ceremony? Should I be paying for drinks and taxis etc? Some people are coming from quite far away and I feel guilty that there's not more on for them.

Would be very helpful to hear what's normally expected at a funeral, as I don't want to mess this up.

OP posts:
Fleabane · 05/10/2023 18:48

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

It sounds fine but I wonder if people who have travelled far will just leave and not stay for the wake. Where are you expecting them to go and do in the two hours? That's a very long time to hang around if you've got a long journey home.

Could you not find something else closer in time to the service?

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 05/10/2023 19:14

Fleabane · 05/10/2023 18:48

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

It sounds fine but I wonder if people who have travelled far will just leave and not stay for the wake. Where are you expecting them to go and do in the two hours? That's a very long time to hang around if you've got a long journey home.

Could you not find something else closer in time to the service?

This is what I was worried about... there's not really much choice in the immediate vicinity (a café that refused to do functions). I've told people they can skip the mini funeral service if they prefer and just come for lunch.

OP posts:
Woman2023 · 05/10/2023 19:26

Is the timed slot in the pub for food? In my experience people will loiter for a bit after the funeral. If they can then go to the pub and have a drink/coffee until the lunch is ready I would think that's fine.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 05/10/2023 19:30

I’m very sorry for your loss.
I don’t think there’s a ‘right’ way to do things however if I were you I would probably pay for some food (a limited buffet, sandwiches etc) and buy everyone a drink. X

Brianisanaughtyboy · 05/10/2023 19:36

Does the crematorium have space that people could loiter outside afterwards? Ie you could hang around talking to everyone who came, sharing memories etc for half an hour, then with the travel to the pub that only leaves about an hour gap. People could then go to the pub early and buy themselves a drink until the wake starts

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 05/10/2023 19:37

Is suggesting Wetherspoons for coffee (while waiting for the nearby nice pub to open at 12) a ridiculous idea? There isn't loads open in the morning in this area. Buying everyone a drink in the nice pub is a good shout, will see if they can sort something discreet.

OP posts:
Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 05/10/2023 19:37

Cremation is at 10ish, pub booked for 12 (when it opens).

OP posts:
Fleabane · 05/10/2023 20:20

That won't be two hours at all! Even if they kick you out at 10.20, there will be loads of hanging around chatting afterwards. Is the spoons walking distance to the nice pub? If it is, I'd just say there's a lunch at 12 and that you'll be going to the Wetherspoons until it opens and you'd be happy to see people there or meet them at noon in the nice pub.

By the time they've left and found their way to the pub and found somewhere to park, you're only looking at about 30 mins or so, not two hours.

Woman2023 · 05/10/2023 20:23

Wetherspoons before the nice pub sounds fine.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 05/10/2023 20:26

OK, thank you, then that's what we'll do as is 5 mins away - thank god for Wetherspoons! I'll probably be drinking Irish coffee at the least.

OP posts:
Woman2023 · 05/10/2023 20:46

Hope it goes smoothly. I'm glad you are having a service for your mum.

EggAndSpooning · 05/10/2023 21:01

I think putting a bit of money behind the bar is the ‘right’ thing to do.

BeetyAxe · 05/10/2023 21:12

OP, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s lovely that you’re doing this for your mum, and how much care and thought you’re putting into it shows that your mum raised a lovely person, who clearly loved her very much. 🌹

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