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Original poster

Ex and kid’s attendance

13 replies

Tomatoketchupred · 05/10/2023 12:45

I have 50/50 with my ex for our 3 kids. I do most of the school runs but he does a few. On his days he’s often late, and if they are after registration they class it as an absence. So I’ve had a couple letters saying the kid’s attendance isn’t good enough. Just to be clear, they are never late on my days. I’m not boasting, because I know sometimes things come up and the odd late is going to happen, I’m sure it will with me one day, but so far luckily I haven’t. The school know the agreement between me and ex, they know which days are my drop offs and which are his.

I ignored the letters, but then I had another letter saying they want me to come in for a meeting about it, and they want to discuss ways they can help with the attendance. Fair enough… I spoke to one of my kids teachers, told them as it wasn’t me making them late, I won’t be coming for a meeting and they need to take it up with thier dad. The teacher actually said she knows it’s not on my days, and she will let the head know.

I then get a phone call asking if I need support with the lateness… I said no! I said I’m never late with them so no I don’t. They say they have to have the same conversations with me as their dad.
they even sent out the days the kids are late, and it’s on his days! So I can prove it’s not me.

Isn’t that ridiculous? They’ve admitted they know it’s not me who makes them late. Yet they expect me to come in to discuss ways of me improving thier lateness. How?! I can’t control another human being! I’m so frustrated with it.

I’ve tried talking to the ex and he doesnt seem bothered!
i can’t do more of the school runs because I work when I don’t have the kids. I actually have another child at the school that isn’t my ex’s, and her attendance is 100% so am I being unreasonable to not want these meetings?!

OP posts:

ZebraD · 05/10/2023 12:49

Tell the school to stop being pedantic and mark them as late rather than absent! Schools do my head in!
if he can’t get them there on time, he can’t get them there on time.
I have been late with my daughter nearly every time I have taken her this school year because she just will not get ready for me. Doesn’t matter what I say or do. I am sure things will improve in time.

Original poster

Tomatoketchupred · 05/10/2023 12:52

It depends how late they are. So if they are after registration at 9 then it’s an un authorised absence, if before 9 then it’s a late. No idea why they do that but they keep pestering me and it’s driving me bloody mad

OP posts:

MrsMarkRonson · 05/10/2023 12:55

I feel your pain, I was in the same situation. Got told my son's attendance had slipped down to 70% ! What I did was email the school every date of the school term the kids had been with me, and every date they had been with their dad, and they matched up the late days with that and I believe had a discussion with ex. (And a talk and visit to the child counsellor with my son who it transpired just didn't want to go to school and knew his dad would let him get away with it. No other reason - following this his attendance improved). Good luck!

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Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 05/10/2023 13:01

Tempting to tell them that you are divorced/separated because he wouldn't change his behaviour but you are quite happy for them to give it a bash. Make sure that any meetings are separate so he can't try to let you shoulder any responsibility.

cansu · 05/10/2023 20:23

I would simply write to them to explain the contact schedule again. Explain that you fully support their concerns but that it must be addressed with the children's father as the children are late when with him.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/10/2023 20:33

Yes the school are being ridiculous but the bigger issue is - why is he late all the time and do the contact arrangements need to change if he can’t get the dc to school on time. That is neglectful if it is happening constantly. Maybe that is why the school continues to involve you. Because they want you to realise your ex is neglecting the DC and take steps to change contact. Getting kids to school on time is a basic parenting task.

Also it will be very disruptive for the DCs classes and fellow students. The school are probably sick and tired of all the disruption and want a permanent resolution.

On the days when you take them to school even though they are with him overnight, are they ready to go when you pick them up ? Or do you get them ready. ? I’m trying to figure out what the problem is on his days

SpookyHollow · 05/10/2023 20:42

Well you say you can’t get them to school on his days because you work but then say your other child is on time every day. So couldn’t you use the same means to get his children there on time. Not that you should have to but to say you can’t because of work seems odd when the other child gets there.
I actually wouldn’t be too worried as schools hate absence but there is little they can do about it. Once your dc are older and at secondary they will presumably get themselves to school and the problem will go away.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 05/10/2023 20:58

Former attendance officer here. From a safeguarding perspective they must not mark a child as absent if they are present in school. If there was a fire or dc went AWOL there would be no record of their presence in the school building which is a glaringly obvious problem.

In secondary they get an am and pm attendance mark. They would get absent until the period they arrived in school, a note would be made for time of arrival, then the mark changed to present. If they come in after lunch then they'd get absent for the morning and late for afternoon.

If your dc is getting to school at 9.10 but getting an absence mark until lunchtime you need to take this up with the safeguarding team as well as attendance.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 05/10/2023 21:00

Sorry, if they arrived mid-morning they get an absence mark until arrival then marked late. PM session would be marked present.

Octobermeterreadtime · 05/10/2023 21:03

When ds started secondary school exh told them I was dead and he was the only parent... Would have loved to see the secretary's face when I rang up one day.. Actually h dtobget a court official to confirm with them I was actually ds's dm. Stand your ground op.

HauntedGusset · 05/10/2023 21:09

SpookyHollow · 05/10/2023 20:42

Presumably the days ex does the school run, the DC have stayed at his house the night before. That would mean OP has to leave the house early to take her other child to his house to collect their siblings and then back to school and then off she has to go to work for the day. This might mean a really early start, or a trip that is impractical on public transport, or anything.

The ex can't be rushing off to work if he is dropping the DC late every morning, unless he has The World's Most Patient Employer. It's clearly just a matter of crap organisation on his part.

OneForTheRoadThen · 05/10/2023 21:11

I feel your pain OP. My ex's lateness worked out at 25% of the school runs he did whereas I wasn't late at all. I had to bring it up so many times with him, particularly as it upset the children as they didn't like being late. It took him 2 years before he managed to implement a solution and now they are rarely late. His solution was to leave earlier 🙄

RandomMess · 05/10/2023 21:15

I would put the facts in writing to the school and send a copy to the council/school attendance officer.

I include bringing up their policy of marking them absent when they are late how it is a risk in the event of a school evacuation and what is there justification for it.

Everything in writing from now on with evidence.

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