DS, age 11, being teased in secondary school, very sensitive boy

[oliversmummy26]

My eldest started secondary school this last september. He has always been a sensitive boy, and has never really mastered the art of handling teasing.
He's come from a very small primary school (just 10 students in his year 6 class, only 3 of them were boys) and the change to secondary has been hard to say the least.

His first day he panicked and was so overwhelmed it couldn't make it to any lessons and spent the day in the library. Since then, he is getting better at going to school every day and this morning, went off very happily.

However, at break today he text me from the toilets saying that he was being teased in his English lesson by two boys making fun of his forehead (which is quite high, unfortunately he gets that from me!) and then after the lesson as he was on his way to get some food another child started kicking him. I think he was crying in the toilets, so I text him back and said to go to Student Support and tell a grown up.

While he was on the way there I called the Year 7 Support Liason and explained what had happened, she said he should have gone straight there and not called me (they shouldn't be using their phones in school time) I explained that it sounded like he was in a bit of a panic and didn't know what to do and needed to speak to me.

10 minutes later he texts me again to say she hadn't let him finish what he wanted to say, hadn't got chance to tell her that someone was kicking him, and basically told him to grow up. So now he feels worse, and is very unlikely to go to her again if something happens again.

He has always been very sensitive to people doing what's right, he can't seem to understand why anyone would be mean, when he isn't mean. I think he's become a bit of a loner, even his friends from his primary school don't seem to speak to him so much anymore, he sits on his own at the front of the bus listening to music through his headphones and seems to have shut himself off.

I need to help him deal with teasing I think, he takes it all so seriously, and from past experience, when he's fallen out with friends, they will be best buddies again a couple of days later!

I have a parents evening appointment with his tutor tonight anyway, so will speak to her, but essentially (apologies for the enormous post!) I wanted to know if anyone else had a not at all sporty boy (he HATES PE, can't bear football and so doesn't play with the other boys at break) who is more comfortable hanging out with girls, and not very good at taking teasing - any advice??

The support liaison sounds appalling! God knows why she picked that job of DH refuses to actually support the students who are struggling.

He's brand new to a school which is much larger than his old one and is under a lot more pressure to 'grow up'. Give him lots of reassurance that it will get easier and maybe encourage him to join some clubs so that he can make new friends.
Once he has some 'safe' people around him, the idiots won't seem so intimidating.
Sending you a HH

*if she refuses

God that student support sounds horrendous - you call and he goes to her re poor treatment from others and her first breath is to give HIM grief??
This is exactly how bullies get away with it!!!!

Poor lad.
Unfortunately kids can be mean and if they are getting a reaction they will likely continue and ramp it up - he will need to learn to shut it down best he can and perhaps find another more considerate and understanding adult.

Is there any clubs he can join at school to make friends? Library group or something away from the main hussle and bussle?

My friends son was like this, someone recommended taking up tai kwondo, friend enrolled him into classes, Saturday mornings I think. It grew his confidence a thousand fold and he has never looked back

Could he volunteer to help in the library. It would mean he was busy at lunch times so not get upset if he was on his own. Try to get him to join up to a club to make friends. Maybe a chess club or an Art club or something. If he doesn't like or join in with football at lunch times he will likely be left out by the boys so maybe he needs to try to make friends with some of the girls.

Thank you all ❤
I have found a Well Being Drop in he can go to at break this afternoon, so have text him about that, but don't want to encourage him checking his phone throughout the day as then he'll be in trouble for that!
I keep telling him that children can be mean and will tease, but that he needs to ignore it best he can, if they find any weakness they will latch on to it and we'll be in big trouble. I've seen something this morning where a teacher told his class to smile at anyone teasing them and say "thanks for sharing that with me" before walking away or ignoring them, I like the idea of this.
Unfortunately most of the clubs are sports related and therefore he won't even consider them. He needs an IT club or similar, something a bit more suited to his interests, then yes, that's where he'll find his people.
I will certainly mention the Student Support's behaviour to his tutor this evening when I speak to her, as that really hasn't helped the situation

I'd go straight to the head over that comment from student head.

I have a bright non sporty child who didn't want to be mean back but learnt to use their tongue to cut bullies to size. Also, activities out of school help.

Student head = student support

Dd also got kicked by an older kid trying to knock her shoe off -y7 too
Shes likely asd/adhd. Luckily she ignored them. I think they pick on them when they are alone.

If anyone from student support had told 11yo DD to grow up as a reaction to her being upset I would have been very unimpressed and definitely taken it further. Luckily pastoral care at her school was excellent and bullying of any kind wasn't tolerated.

I don't think it reflects well on the form tutor that he chose to tell the bullied children how to react rather than stamping down on the actual bullying behaviour.

OP I'm having eva fly the same problem with my son, who also started secondary in September. My lad is also extremely sensitive but is also one of the shortest in the year and has had problems since starting. The second week someone grabbed his planner from his hand and tore pages out he's had a few on idemces of being legged up by bigger lads.

Watching with interest as it's heartbreaking to watch your child (mine is also such a lovely sweet boy but also quite naive) struggle to understand how others can be so cruel to them when they treat others with such respect and kindness.

Watching with interest, I hope your son is ok x

Hi OP when I saw your title I thought wow you could have been describing my DS! He is quite a bit younger, but I am already worrying how he will be as school goes on, and worse, about Secondary school 🤦‍♀️
He is sensitive like me, and also too nice and kind and helpful. Again he doesn't understand others being mean too 🤦‍♀️ I say it often, and not because he's mummy's little darling, but that some children are really too nice for this world!

I worry alot for the future anyway like normal parent worries, but because of crime, drugs and with the ever increasing problem we have with teens being stabbed etc.
So when I see the smaller things happening I'm like how on earth will he/I cope.

So you have my total sympathy and understanding. What the member of staff said is out of order. That's like almost normalising bad behaviour and it's ok to be kicked.
Ok he shouldn't of rang you maybe but that's what he needed to do at the time, and was it clear to him prior to that, who he should go to if there was a problem?

My DS doesn't hang around with many boys as such nor does he take an interest in football. He might dabble here and there but that is it. The football thing is not the end of the world though, and I am not being a sheep in the crowd and putting him in to football after school just for the sake of it. Although boxing has been thought about as they did it at holiday camp and he seemed to quite like it.

But yes the girls love him and he seems to stick with them which is all lovely, but I do again think of the future and how that might go!

@AnySoln this is my worry. I don't think he has many friends in any of his classes, and catches up with some girls he's good friends with at break usually, but obviously has to get there on his own first and this is when things like this happen 😥

Hi @Tiny2018
I'm so sorry to hear this, kids can be so mean. I have found that with fluctuating hormones he can be friends with someone on monday, detest them on wednesday and then they're best buddies again by the weekend!
He said to me at the weekend that on friday kids in his class were saying that he has dandruff and a "receiving" hairline - he said he didn't know what any of that meant. He doesn't have dandruff but as I've said, has a high forehead, so might speak to his hair dresser about how we tackle that. Poor boy.
He was called a Fat C* on the bus by an older kid in his second week, though that seems to have settled down now and all the boy says to him now is that he knows where he lives - DS is very smug about this as we're moving in a couple weeks, though within our village, so same schools etc.
I will have a chat with him when he's home this afternoon and then speak to his tutor about the student support lady and if I don't get anywhere with her I will be contacting the head about it, as all I have heard from this school is that they don't tolerate bullying, but then they don't seem to be doing anything about what is happening

Hi @Redruby2020
I have don't nothing but worry about DS since he was in year 4 and covid hit 😥I kept telling myself that you only ever hear about the bad things regarding secondary school, the incidences of bullying or drugs, but that as long as you have a good kid you'll be okay.
My worry now is that he's so sensitive and takes it all so seriously, I don't want him to do any harm to himself or start to believe all these mean things other kids are saying to him.
It's all terrifying.

Year 7 is brutal - kids all trying to establish themselves in the pecking order, boasting and teasing and being generally vile a lot of the time. It does get better.