Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would you "reach out" ?

19 replies

Softnatural · 04/10/2023 18:29

My DH died more than 2 years ago. This weekend I bumped into a colleague from more than 20 years ago.

He was out with friends "celebrating" his wife who died a few weeks ago.

I haven't seen him in 20 years and whilst he was a perfectly nice colleague, we weren't close even then. But the timing of our meeting seems like it might be important. We had a good chat about how rubbish it is but how things do slowly start to improve. How important it is to say yes to invitations, like he had done.

Anyway I was thinking maybe in a few weeks time I'll just check in an see how he is. When I was at that stage anyone who did that was valuable to me - lots had stopped by then and friends' lives carried on as usual while mine was changed forever. I also found friends weren't around as much as you might expect.

However, I also know that people can be very disapproving of anything a new widow(er) does and also that newly widowed, you can become a target for single men/women looking for love/sex/money/companionship. That's definitely not what this would be, just support and sympathy, but I don't want to cause any turmoil.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
JoinInBetty · 04/10/2023 18:37

if he wants advice or a chat he'll get in touch. It might too hard for him talking to someone in the situation he's also in

Original poster
Softnatural · 04/10/2023 18:43

JoinInBetty · 04/10/2023 18:37

if he wants advice or a chat he'll get in touch. It might too hard for him talking to someone in the situation he's also in

Will he? I wouldn't have. I didn't contact any of the "you know where I am" people, not wanting to be a burden, but I was grateful when they contacted me.

OP posts:
Daffidale · 04/10/2023 22:42

I think reaching out is a kind thing to do, given your shared experience of grief. Even just a “I’m thinking of you” message. Don’t over think it

OrigamiOwl · 04/10/2023 23:06

Daffidale · 04/10/2023 22:42

I think reaching out is a kind thing to do, given your shared experience of grief. Even just a “I’m thinking of you” message. Don’t over think it

I agree with this.

Some people would reach out, some wouldn't. No harm in you getting in touch.

xyz111 · 04/10/2023 23:09

I would reach out. And then it's up to him how he responds.

coffeeoffee · 04/10/2023 23:25

Yeah, why not. If he doesn’t respond you know where you stand.

adhdneedsajob · 04/10/2023 23:27

1 I am sorry for your loss
2 do reach out. It's the kind thing to do. The world needs more people like you.

Bebabelouba · 04/10/2023 23:39

I think in his shoes is really appreciate it. While people's experiences of grief can be very different, there is often a great deal of comforting in knowing that someone else really 'gets' you.
Look after you too OP it's a kind thing to do.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 04/10/2023 23:42

As a widow I would appreciate it too, widowhood is a very lonely place to be.

coxesorangepippin · 05/10/2023 02:26

Yes do

WingingIt101 · 05/10/2023 04:08

I would reach out.

Earlier this year a friend of mine died. I still regularly message her husband to check in/chat/ invite to events.

There's absolutely nothing romantic in it, and at the start I used to say a lot "no need to reply" or "no worries if you don't fancy it, but a group of us are taking the kids to X if you and DD would like to join?"

I like to think too that if it happened to me, people would do the same for my DH

He can always say no thank you / ignore you / tell you he has plenty of invitations and is fine

anareen · 05/10/2023 04:11

I personally would not.

nettie434 · 05/10/2023 04:14

I think it would be a kind thing to do. A friend of mine who is a widow has become closer to another widower in her friendship group than she was. For both of them, it's not that they are particularly close (and neither wants it to be anything different) but they know they have experienced something that other friends of theirs haven't.

Netaporter · 05/10/2023 04:23

I think I would. Only one person I know is a widow at my age and I’m very conscious that it must be very different loss losing your spouse than losing a parent (which I have experience of). I think as mentioned upthread, a quick ‘no need to reply but here if you fancy a chat/coffee/dog walk’ etc.

Harponatit · 05/10/2023 04:42

You shouldn't worry about what anyone thinks,if he makes you feel it's worth a try,go for it.
Good luck.

Nagado · 05/10/2023 05:49

Did you swap contact information? Or would it involve tracking him down on social media? If you have to track him down, I think I’d be less inclined to contact him in case he thought that there was a motive behind it.

If I did contact him, I think I’d say that there was no need to reply if he wasn’t feeling up to it, but that you know this bit is tough and if he needs a listening ear, you’re there.

You sound very kind.

Original poster
Softnatural · 05/10/2023 07:50

Nagado · 05/10/2023 05:49

Did you swap contact information? Or would it involve tracking him down on social media? If you have to track him down, I think I’d be less inclined to contact him in case he thought that there was a motive behind it.

If I did contact him, I think I’d say that there was no need to reply if he wasn’t feeling up to it, but that you know this bit is tough and if he needs a listening ear, you’re there.

You sound very kind.

He was easy to find on SM, we have mutual friends in old colleagues. Actually he posted a photo of us together that evening which mutal friends have tagged me in and we're now FB friends already.

OP posts:
RingALingADingDong · 05/10/2023 07:55

I think you should. You sound like a lovely person @Softnatural

itsmeafterall · 05/10/2023 09:16

Definitely yes.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread