After you’ve opened up about abuse - coping with the ‘fallout’ (tw abuse in childhood)

[youngerme]

I haven’t ever talked very openly in therapy. I’ve had therapy on and off since I was 16 years old but always held back. I’m now early 30s.

Last week I wrote a lot of stuff down and emailed it to my CPN. She’s currently doing with CBT with me to try and stabilise before trauma therapy.

Saw her today and she was very, very kind, asked a couple of questions about how I felt when xyz happened to me, and I ended up sobbing and then having a weird episode - she said I dissociated from her/the room and tried to teach me ways to bring myself back. She got me back to the room by asking me questions like where we were; what my favourite film is, what colour the carpet was.

I live alone, I have got friends and family but I live alone and I’ve come home to an empty house, and feeling a bit wobbly. To be honest I could have done with a hug but I understand why she couldn’t do that.

CPN said ‘it’s not you now that’s reacting, this is the tiny little you.’

I feel silly for being so upset and feeling so exposed/vulnerable. I sometimes have episodes like that myself if I’m at home but I’ve never felt it so strongly in public before, it was a horrible weird/disorienting feeling.

So sorry you’re feeling vulnerable. It’s helpful in the long term to ‘feel’ the feelings but it is also awful.

Gentle, simply self care would be my suggestion. Wrap yourself in a blanket or dressing gown (or both!) warm drink eg milk, hot orange squash, fruit tea then try watching something you’ve seen before and know you like/won’t be triggering. Playing games on your phone might help if your mind is racing. Maybe hot bath too but that might feel too exposed.

Treat yourself with the care and love your ‘little self’ needs. That’s the best way to resolve the feelings.

Hope you’re feeling better soon.

I'm so sorry that this has happened and you are having to deal with it still. it is not silly to feel upset or to dissociate - it is a common response to this extreme situation.

Oh I’m so sorry - I’m another one who’s been there. I second what a PP said - look after yourself. Be very gentle. It’s a lot to process and you’re being very brave. It will pass, but for now just be very kind to yourself. Sending love and assurance you’re not alone xx

Thank you, a hot drink and cosy blanket sounds lovely. CPN asked for what would normally comfort me and I told her I’ve got a teddy - I felt stupid for saying that but she said that’s OK. I just so desperately wish that I could get a cuddle. I don’t have anyone I know who could do that that’s near enough. I’ve got to go to my uni placement tomorrow and pretend that none of that happened, and I’m just absolutely exhausted.

I didn’t like remembering today, it made me feel like I was right back there. So vividly I could tell you the sounds, smells, what the room looked like, what the surroundings were like, what I felt like. Too vivid. I don’t want to remember.

💐

Phoned to speak to duty CPN today and my own CPN called me back. Told her more memories keep coming back, she said just to really focus in on making myself feel safe. I feel like I need to tell her more next week but the stuff I want to tell her makes me feel so ashamed (SA) and I don’t know how to explain it to her. I don’t want her to judge me or think it was my fault.

She won’t judge you or think it’s your fault. That’s part of the fallout making you feel like that. You were a child. There was nothing you could have done to cause it or prevent it. You’re so brave 💐

I don’t feel brave at all . CPN asked if I’d be OK over the weekend and I don’t know. I don’t know if it what I think I need to talk to her about was SA or not. I only have very vague memories of being very sore, scrubbing myself with soap and a couple of other very sketchy things. I don’t understand why after years of keeping it in and hidden it’s like as soon as you say one thing everything else needs to come out in a rush.

Have you tried telling yourself that this happened but it was in the past & it finished - it's not happening any more? Sometimes the part of us which gives us back these memories, still believes it's happening right now. It's as though the memories get buried in an active state IYKWIM - when they come back it's as though you're right back where you were.

Saying this is not to say that what happened in the past doesn't matter, or that you're wrong to be thinking about it now. What happened is important, & the fact that you're now in a place where you can heal from it is wonderful. And you can heal, & things will get better. You may find all sorts of benefits from the healing which you can't even imagine now. Healing isn't easy: it takes courage & work but it's so, so worth it.

Tell yourself how long ago it happened (drawing a timeline can help), & think of how different things are now. Accept the part of yourself who brings you the enormous gift of trusting you with these memories & make a promise to work on your healing as well as you can. Accept the times when you can't, too. We all have fears, & lives to get on with.

PS It was never your fault.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of and it's so brave that you facing this.

Be kind to yourself and I can recommend reaching out to National Association of People Abused in Childhood. They really understand and have fantastic support and signposting. napac.org.uk/

(Helpline closed 6pm Friday u til Monday morning)

Trauma is complicated. There’s no rhyme or reason to the way the brain copes with it. Get your teddy, a warm drink and a blanket and take it a minute at a time if you need to. You’re safe and nobody can hurt you.

Thank you . It helped hearing CPN’s voice earlier, definitely. Felt a little
bit safer. I feel guilty for saying these things about my parents but I can’t not. I rang NAPAC earlier and said to her I’m not sure it was abuse - her answer was, ‘would you do that to a child’ and I said no, never - ‘then it wasn’t OK.’

It’s guilt I can’t get over. I feel dirty and I can’t get rid of that feeling. I don’t know how I would even begin to tell my CPN these things. I’m utterly terrified that she would think there was something wrong with me.

She said when they come back just try to accept; say to myself it’s OK, it’s just my brain thinking, it’s just memories and to use the safety stuff she gave me to do. Sat and binge watched the last series of Ghosts which helped a bit.

Hope you're having a good weekend. I'm glad you have such a supportive CPN & that you will see her again soon.

All the best.💐

Thanks, weekend wasn’t too too bad. Managed to cope. Had another session with CPN today which was horrendously hard. I end up feeling physically ill, and I had to try to dust myself off after and go back to my normal day, I managed when I had normal stuff to keep me busy and was with friends and then as soon as I got home it was like panic attack central. I’ve forced myself to eat something and I’m supposed to do some work before tomorrow.

CPN said at the moment they aren’t telling me not to talk, but they don’t want to explore the past in detail, she said they are concerned I don’t have the skills to cope with what she said will be an extremely hard process. So she said it wouldn’t be helpful to spend sessions focusing in on abuse in detail as it would be too overwhelming to cope with and I’d end up more unwell.

So I’m meant to try and understand/ talk about my emotional response in the meantime good and bad and try to understand/label emotions and understand them mindfully.

My CPN isn’t in next week - holidays. Hopefully I can cope until I see her next time.

That sounds sensible, and like they’ve really got your long term health and best interests as a priority. I hope that has given you some extra confidence in them that they’re really doing it the safest way, rather than trying to rush you through it.

Have they given you any help to cope with the panic attacks? I mean like the thinking of five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. It sounds bonkers, but the thinking behind it is that the brain can’t think about going into panic mode when you’re directing it to think about how your toes feel on the carpet, or smelling your laundry.

Again, you’re being so brave. Just get yourself through a minute at a time, if that’s all you can cope with. You’ll get there 💐

Would it help to “talk” to your tiny self from your adult perspective? Tell the child you that you ARE safe in your home. You are on your sofa, about to enjoy a lovely meal, etc… I know from experience that I needed to do this for a long time when my memories flooded back. It helped me remain grounded.