I want everyone to back off and leave us alone

[Turkeydinosaursandsmileyfaces]

I had a baby recently, my husband’s family are understandably excited and want to spend as much time with him as possible. I have no family of my own anymore.

We invited all relatives to meet our son during the first to second week. Some relatives we went to their house for an hour as they either don’t drive or have disabilities. Other relatives came for a few hours and needed prompting to leave when it got too much.

I had a horrific birth and I was discharged very quickly despite them wanting to keep me in longer they didn’t have the space and recommended I rest at home. I’m only just now able to walk without pain and use the bathroom alone. So with this in mind the constant visits made me very stressed and anxious. I hid it well as no one commented but I was upset by having people in the house when I was in pain and needed to sleep. Visitors didn’t care and completely blanked me in favour of holding our baby. No offers of help or support as many of you on here seem to have.

Finally the visits are ‘up to date’ as such and we can have some breathing space, albeit at the wrong time. I’m now feeling hurt that nobody considered how I felt and felt entitled to come to our house for their own benefit. Prior to the birth everyone assured us they’ll come when I’m recovered and they were invited. This went out the window as everyone arrived as a stream of people daily without asking first. I do feel bitter about this disregard for my health and not being ready.

I get it that everyone wants to see a baby as early as possible, this is why I let them stay and didn’t make a fuss with my husband after. However I think this has lead them all the think they can make demands and we’ll obey.

I had a bad case of mastitis recently, no one asked how I was despite the fact my fever was so bad my health visitor wanted to send me to A&E. My husband was struggling to care for me and our baby and no one offered him support. It took almost 2 weeks for me to recover and feel normal again, I needed two lots of antibiotics to clear it. This part is relevant to the fact my husband’s family only want to see our baby and get those photos to show him off and to not actually be present, helpful or supportive. With many of them now the novelty has worn off they have disappeared again. His gran even said “ that’s the risk you take having sex it doesn’t mean you can stop anyone holding the baby whenever they want to come over, just get on with it like a single mum would”. It hurt because despite what I went through I don’t complain about it and I have continued as I did before, but it’s clear to anyone I wasn’t physically in the position to want guests.

So forward to the current part, my husband’s parents, siblings and grandparents have now decided when we will visit them and that it’s easier for them if we drive instead. We are expected to visit a different relative every weekend which gives us no free time as a family (we have another child too). My husband works until 7pm so we barely see him in the week, weekends are precious.

I have made it clear to my husband we are not spending our weekends at relative’s houses so they can see our baby, that I will compromise to once a month if every relative is at the same house we will be visiting. No special arrangements for those who can’t make it and no travelling at a distance that will mean we need to stop off to take our baby out of his car seat half way. This would mean everyone goes to my in law’s house for the day and we pop in there for everyone to see the baby, occasionally. When MIL text me to ask what time we will be visiting this weekend I said we haven’t decided on our plans yet so we will let her know if we are coming. Cue an angry phone call to my husband at work that I’m considering not letting them see our baby, making it sound as if I have banned them from seeing him again.

My husband thinks I’m being unfair as his family want to watch our baby grow (and our other child of course but this didn’t happen when she was born). He doesn’t see it as unfair to spend time with his family because we will also be there, when I want private quality time sometimes. I’m relieved we don’t have an influx of uninvited guests anymore, but to expect us to visit them at their requests doesn’t seem right to me.

I feel like I’m being trapped to agree to these visits to keep everyone happy and by saying no I would cause a divide and upset them all. I don’t feel comfortable at their houses. I haven’t got everything I need to hand. Breastfeeding feels awkward so I sit on the stairs. Nappy changing I do in the dining room as everyone watches over my shoulder to see how I do it. They all want the baby even when I have asked to wait until he has fed, they take him and baby screams until they hand him back causing me to need to settle him before he’ll latch. Basically it takes away our free time and also upsets our routine while causing me distress. It’s almost becoming military style and I’m honestly sick of it and becoming angry at the sight of them all. I was being forced to eat a ham sandwich when they know I don’t eat meat, because I didn’t eat it I overheard loud comments about how my diet will damage our baby and make him lose weight until he is in hospital. (I’m not vegetarian or vegan I just don’t like meat).

I may seem irrational and like I’m holding all the cards. I don’t mind them seeing the baby and getting involved, but so often and while undermining me is starting to become frustrating. My husband doesn’t see it how I do. When we had our daughter they were more respectful despite her being their first grandchild, niece etc. they respected our free time and we visited weekly because we enjoyed it. Now they are rude and judgemental since our baby was born and I don’t know what provoked it.

Im now thinking ahead about Christmas and that they will expect us to stay with them. MIL is very pushy and what she wants she bullies my husband into agreeing to, he never stands up to her and masks it as pretending he agrees. I do not want to stay at their house for Christmas, I want it at home just the four of us with no visitors on the day. We can see relatives on Boxing Day and any other day, we have several people to make time for and we can’t cram them all in a short period of time. It’s not fair on our children who deserve to be home and enjoy their presents without being passed around and being part of an adult Christmas that is never child friendly at their house. My husband agrees we need Christmas Day for ourselves but I feel that he will have his arm twisted eventually. He anticipates the influx of angry phone calls and intimidation so for a quiet life he lets them bully him.

I’ve never had issues with his family before but after all the recent events, demands and rude comments I just want to hide away and keep them at arms length. I’m regularly told to give up breastfeeding, what I should cook my husband that night and what brand of clothing to buy my children. I ignore it of course but it’s suffocating.

Sorry it’s so long, it’s the first time I’ve got it off my chest so venting may help take away the stress it’s causing me. I know I’ll be told it’s my husbands problem and he needs to say no, but that will never happen so it’s up to me to make changes that will continue. It sounds so toxic writing it down. Can anyone share their thoughts and how I can begin approaching the situation to stop this happening anymore please?

Say no and tell you spineless husband to put his wife and children first instead of his mother. My DH is rather intimidated by his mother but he'd never side with her in situations like you describe.

Thing is if he did tell her no she would know it was me who encouraged it as he’s never been allowed to say no to her before. Then there will be a witch hunt for my head so it’s best I say it myself before it gets to that point. They were never this bad before our baby was born, I don’t understand it.

Wow, I’ve very concerned about the fact they are behaving like this now you’ve had a boy but not with your first child, who is a girl! Setting your children for a lifetime of problems just in that alone.

As for your actual issue, I would just tell your husband no and learn to stop caring about what your in laws say or think - it took ,e years to get to that point but I’m much happier and wish I’d learnt not to care at their craziness and unkindness a lot sooner!n if your husband is that concerned about bowing to his mother’s wishes, he can still go and maybe take your older child whilst you stay recovering at home, bonding with your little one…

I think I would try a brutally honest approach wrt to how I am.

Because it's all well and good to say, get dh to stand up for you, but if it hasn't happened, it probably won't start happening now. And besides in some cultures moms can be very overbearing.

I wouldn't say 'uh we'd let you know.

I'd say,
Hi mil, thank you for the kind invitation, but we won't be able to make it this weekend. I am still tired and healing and feel very uncomfortable at the moment. I'm sure you understand. I've also had my 4 week check up nd the docter is considered I've not healed as I should, because we took it to fast with visitors etc.
(if you don't want dh to go on his one because you want family time, I'd cover all my bases so she cannot suggest that)
We're also really looking forward to some bonding time as dh has been working very hard.
We wish we'd be up for visits but we know there will be loads we he's older and I'm healed.

And the stick to my guns.
So whenever she ssays something 'ahh but we can hold him so you can sleep.' just keep saying no.

Haha that's kind of you, but everyone keeps saying that's and Ive barely had time to hold him myself. So thank you but I'll take you another time.
Or 'but how can you prevent us from seeing him, we're his grandparents'.

'yeah, we'd love you to have a strong bond, but we can't commit to this weekend, sorry guys. Enjoy the meal.'

Polite and breezy. Just keep going.

Tell your dh you would have so much more respect for him if he remembers he has a dw and family now. He isn't a small dc his dm can boss around. Suggest he face times his family if they want frequent views of your dc.. Suggest he sells tickets to the showings... Honestly they sound nuts op. Have they not got lives of their own?

Put your foot down now…and hard.

This will not change and you’ll only face years of stress and resentment otherwise.

Stop shielding your husband. You and the children are his priority not his mother.

Does your husband realise that his mother's a bully?

I would just tell your husband you're not going anywhere. Either for these weekend visits or for Christmas. He can do as he pleases and, when the baby is old enough to be apart from you, he can take both children on his own sometimes. But in the meantime you're not getting in a car to go and sit and be uncomfortable in someone else's house. And since you're a real person with needs and feelings, not a robot or a life-size doll, he'll just have to lump it, grow up a bit and learn how to say no to his mummy.

It’s simple, show your husband what you have written here, how is spineless attitude has made you feel

you tell him it stops now, you will visit, once a month if you are up to it, but it sounds to me as they are going to start playing favourites as your child is a son and your first a girl, that can’t be allowed to happen so again a chat about treating both kids the same , I would be insisting Christmas Day is the four of you only and mil needs to be told that, who cares if they think it’s coming from you I would also be telling him he is now doing presents cards etc for his family, you are not getting involved anymore

Attend when you want to