Give me a good shake please.

[Pantspangles]

I don't think any of the other topics fit so I'm posting here because I would really welcome some views. Or advice. Or just observations/a good verbal shake down/someone to tell me to pull myself together if that's what you think I need. I don't bloody know. It's a bit long. Sorry.

I’m a really positive person who loves to laugh and be silly and kind and I’m interested in so much of the world- but I just feel like life is passing me by and I haven’t got anything to look forward to. I have so much to be grateful for and I truly am- secure home and work with healthy happy children and lovely friends- but something is missing.

My life:

3 children, 18, 15 and 9.
I'm 47 and a single parent.

Well paying full time job for a big corporation that is a good employer but the work I do doesn’t fulfil me and the nature of the company means that it is unlikely it ever will. It’s just there to make money after all which feels hollow. I’ve been there since I graduated at 21. I’m not a high performer, achieving at work doesn’t mean anything to me and whilst the work I do is good enough, I’m only there for the pay and pension. The idea of really pushing myself to excel at work is empty as the reward (people I don’t really care for being pleased with me) is totally meaningless and doesn't motivate me in the slightest- although I don't want to piss them off of course.

The pay is good enough for me to be able to provide for my family but we’re not rolling in it and things are still tight, we have a holiday each year which is normally camping in the UK although I did manage to save enough to take them to Cyprus for a week just before Covid. No savings at the moment and it’s always a bit tense for last week of the month but things should get a bit better after April 2024 when I get a small inflationary payrise. More money would of course be lovely but we aren't a materialistic bunch so whilst we would be able to afford more luxurious x, y and z we don't hanker for this anyway. Would love to travel though (not holidays as such but seeing more of the world than I have)

We have a comfortable home, needs bits and pieces doing to it although nothing out of reach or worrying, but I bought it in a bit of a hurry when exh and I split 7 years ago after being together for 18. Whilst it is home and I love it in that sense, it isn’t a source of joy either. It's just somewhere where the children and I can be together (which is lovely and my favourite thing to do. But they are getting older and need me less and less every day! )

I have a wonderful circle of close friends, and a few new ones recently too through putting myself out there and getting involved in the fringes of new hobbies and interests. I get out and “do” things- but don’t really have the time to commit to anything regular in terms of fun.

Nothing in my life fills me with excitement or delight- I’m just coasting along and all the days blur into one another. It’s all so flat and boring and without meaning or goals or aspiration. I'm certain that I'm not depressed, just bored with the never ending monotomy of my life I think. Work in particular is just so awful I dread it.

Do I just need to give myself a shake and soldier on? I think I probably do. I might need someone to tell me this before I disappear into my own navel.

You're normal! Yesterday when I was working, I listened to a BBC show about happiness. To my surprise, the most unhappy people aren't teens or those who are elderly and dealing with health and financial issues, they're middle-aged!

It probably feels like everything is coasting along because it is. Your kids are old enough that you don't have to spend every minute supervising them. You can do your job blind-folded at this point because you're so used to it. You have stable housing.

I'm in a very competitive and much less stable (but fun) position and notice that I don't have the issues with depression and dissatisfaction that many friends do because I'm always very stressed! You may be feeling that you have no reason to feel a bit bleh but from my perspective, it's happening because you're not constantly at risk of losing your reputation, housing, and livelihood like I am.

I don't mean at all to imply that you don't have a right to feel as you do. Of course you do. I'm just trying to communicate that it probably isn't anything to worry about. You just need a new challenge.

I guess the decision you have is whether to do something drastic, like sell the house and move the family to a lighthouse on a Scottish island, or find purpose in a new hobby!

Your kids are older but they are young enough that they'll need financial help and housing for a while. Also, you talked about friends and hobbies, and I know from my own experience that starting a new job often means spending a lot of time on getting up to speed with it. So you probably shouldn't give up your stable job just yet.

Maybe, though, you could start keeping an eye out for jobs that pay well and that would be a bit more interesting. It sounds like you don't even know what you want to do yet, so use this time, while you have the luxury of a stable job, to think about it. If you're in something like management, are there positions at interesting organizations (like the UN or EU or government) that you could apply for later on? Bet you'd feel more engaged if you were doing the same work (work that you're very capable of doing) but with a goal of helping disadvantaged people or whatever. What training could you get now to improve your chances? Maybe there's training available at your current company that you could take advantage of.

The easiest thing to do would probably be to get involved with a new hobby. What's your fitness like? With three kids and a full-time job, I bet there are ways it could improve so that you feel better. Exercise makes me feel brighter and more engaged. A decent programme consists of strength training, cardio, and stretching (like yoga). Could you afford to join a decent gym with classes and training available?

I bet there's Meetup.com in your area too for cheap/free activities and hobbies. You could join a hiking group (the Ramblers are another option) or art class.

If it's purpose you're looking for though, why not sign up for a half marathon or volunteer at the local food bank or women's shelter? Or volunteer to tutor disadvantaged kids? Good luck.

You're perfectly normal. It's an odd thing about humans that we seem to get dissatisfied with life as we become more comfortable - perhaps because we are not battling something we have time to think "is this it?".....

Look for the everyday simple things that give inner joy. Nature is a biggie. Gardening is proved to be very beneficial to MH.

Don't try and buy it - it can't be bought, it must be found.

@Antst and @BMW6 thank you so much for taking the time to post. It is (I think) reassuring to know that this middle aged malaise is not uncommon!

I absolutely need purpose. I need to find myself something that makes me feel useful, other than raising my lovely children. I would like to make a difference somewhere. So much to think about.

@Pantspangles, figuring out the problem is the most important step.

This is what I tell students who are agonizing over which courses to take or which major to choose. Don't expect to feel you've found something perfect immediately. We often have to become used to things (people too!) and have small successes with them before developing a strong interest.

So try things out without feeling you have to commit. If you start off by feeling like you're doing something wrong if you don't immediately click with an activity or can't access the one thing you'd love to do, the change may never happen. I have found, when I have moved to a new areas for work and have had to start from scratch, that if I try out anything that's available, I eventually (can take a while!) find people and activities I'm comfortable with. Have a policy of giving anything a go. Maybe you can even involve the kids.

Good luck and good on you. So many people I know go through life with a sense of dissatisfaction and that's no way to live.