Acutely stressed with life choices and direction

[davemere]

I’m in very stressful place right now. I’m a parent, two kids one in school. I’ve been acutely stressed out recently and I’ve realised how unhappy I am with my whole life. I’m lucky in many ways, my life is stable and we’re not on the breadline. Recently though I’ve been obsessing over past choices, particularly relationships that didn’t work out. This was triggered by some choices I’ve had to make about whether to move jobs, I’ve found it extremely difficult to choose and I think I kinda hate my career.

I've realised that I feel very trapped by my life, it’s all school runs, work, and jobs round the house. My kids are great and special little guys, but the responsibility of parenthood scares the shit out of me; not just right now but for their futures. I worry about absolutely everything, even the fact that they will grow at all, and not be my cuddly boys any more. I’m hundreds of miles from where I grew up though I do have a sibling and friends nearby. I’m very conflicted on moving back to my home area up North; I feel I want to be back near familiarities and my sister, but I’ve been away a long time and all my friends are here. Plus I left for a reason, I wanted out. I don’t want to go back. But I’m scared down here. I feel very alone.

I don’t like my life much. I don’t have time for anything apart from work and being a parent. I know my problems aren’t as bad as some, but I’m very unhappy and going through physical stress at all this; panic, constant knot in chest, sleeplessness. I’m not in a good place at all.

I wonder can anyone help me?

It sounds like lots of pressure.

You have job, housing, parenting all piling on plus we had a rubbish summer and now the nights are getting darker.

Could you break it down into chunks?

I find it really helpful to write notes and keep a simple diary each evening.

On my notes I write what I'd like my life to look like, from health, weight, fun, laughter through to money, career and the next 20+ years.

It helps to write..

You could do a pros and cons list on location but start with breaking areas down.

This is a knock on effect of covid and yet nobody is talking about how it's messed with our heads and we are all pretending to be ok.

I also thought if you aren't breadline, could you take a break? Do you get help with the kids?

Life can be shit can't it!! One minute you're sailing along spinning multiple plates the next everything is too much and it comes crashing down - sometimes without anything really changing - just the realisation of how much you're actually juggling!!
Have you shared this with friends? I've got a group of 6 friends and when we meet up in variably one of us is in deep anxiety about all or one of those things you mention. All we really do is listen and empathise but that's all you need sometimes - or sometimes you need counselling/medical help to get back on track. I'd always try talking to a professional if you can first though rather than looking to meds.
Do you live with the other parent? Is your relationship good/stable/kind?
Can you take a mid week day off by yourself to clean/ tidy the house to feel in control but also slow down for a day and chill with a book/tv?
How long have you felt like this?

Thank you for all your replies. I do have a partner and we live together. She’s great and she knows about all of this.

I have been here before, same issue really a few years ago. I felt sadness being here in the first year, really felt the distance at Christmas in particular.

The thing that really gets me is the permanence. My eldest is in juniors and in a few years will be in secondary school, which I don’t want to disrupt. So if I stay, we would be here for the next 15 years, and probably beyond. Forever. That terrifies me. I literally wake up scared thinking about that.

But I’m also terrified of moving. We’d have no friends, and where I’m from wasn’t great. I don’t want to go back there at all. I left to get away.

This is all since having kids. I never felt trapped by geography before. But since having kids and a house I’ve felt it so much. Even though I don’t want to go back. This is crazy.

I feel incredibly alone and scared. And all of this is taking me away from my life here and now. I’m not present, I’m panicking, and my kids deserve better than a Dad with mental health issues.

I know this might seem crazy to you all. But the feelings of anxiety and panic are real, the knot in my chest is real, the waking in terror is real. I desperately want to have a stable relaxed life. What can I do?

@davemere Have you been to the gp op , I'm wondering if you are suffering from anxiety, my friend was like this before she got some medication and she felt so much better .

*,after she got the right treatment

Definitely go to GP, OP.

Also whilst you're waiting for your gp appointment, have a look at 'Therapy in a nutshell on YouTube. She has some great videos on anxiety which might be helpful in the short term.

Do you think? Is it that clear I should see the GP? I have been like this throughout my life, not all the time but in patches, say after break ups. Now it’s more usually when I’m faced with a big decisions. I can’t decide, I go into a spiral, and I end up absolutely torn apart with anxiety. Sleeplessness compounds this and I’m a physical wreck.

The current choice is whether to leave my current, stable, stressful job. Or move to a new one for better prospects, and all the disruption that entails. That’s what’s sparked this.

Damn I think you’re right. I’m a mess. Maybe the GP is the only person who can help.

I’m a mess. Maybe the GP is the only person who can help

You're not a mess. But the fact you feel like you are suggests you would benefit from some help in getting through this patch and possibly learning some different strategies for thinking about the kind of decisions/situations that are becoming relevant to you.

So, do see your GP and see how they can help.

Also. How's your self- care? Obviously trickier if working and with 2 kids. Are you getting some time to yourself each week to exercise/get some fresh air? It's massively helpful for clearing the head and making things feel less overwhelming.

How are you doing now?
Did you go to your gp? Some can be really on it with MH while others are just- here's a prescription. Awful how much they vary but I suppose if you didn't get much help you could try someone else?
Same with counselling- you need to shop around to find one that works for you- it's about finding a personality click as much as their professional knowledge.
Also have you got male friends you can talk to about this?
Hope you're on a positive path now but if not don't give up there'll be the right support for you somewhere.

How lovely for you to check on me. Thank you.

I did go to my GP, had a good chat. I don’t want drugs so we talked about exercise, diet, and I’m being referred for therapy. I’ve also accessed counselling through work, I’m lucky to be able to do that. I do also have very good friends who I’ve opened up to and they’re coming to see me soon. I’m lucky in that way also.

I’ve been through the mill on this. I still feel awful mentally, and am exhausted. I’m so very tired and feel cold inside. I feel bleak. But I’ve reached out to as many people as I can and I’m trying my absolute best to start a recovery.

@davemere well done for reaching out to people it's the first steps in trying to get better . It will take time for things to start to feel better take each day 1 at a time .

@davemere Hi op are you getting on

Could have written your posts, OP! I think i do have major anxiety. GP has done blood tests and changed my contraceptive pill but nothing showed up and it hasnt worked so i'm going back to insist on further action. I really identity with that 'oh god im stuck HERE for 15yrs but dont know where else would be better' feeling :(