I'm so easily triggered.... new mum edition

[toodledo]

(Only) DC just turned 1. I have struggled hugely with intrusive thoughts related to my childhood trauma. I picture abuse and neglect coming to him but also picturing awful things happening to other children too, when I pass them on the street or just hear about horrible things in the news. All to do with me having to look after younger siblings from a very early age in an abusive childhood.

Today, as a mum, I'm so EASILY triggered and it frustrates me... my mummy protective hormones/responses are SO strong all the time and anything big or small can set me off - for me it's been this way since I was pregnant. It's like I'm suddenly aware of all the awful suffering in the wider world now that I'm a mother.

I'm getting therapy for the intrusive thoughts, it's helped a lot but the thoughts have not gone away completely, far from it.

Just now I was listening to LBC, they were talking about stories of being shamed and screamed at for bed wetting as a child... it just broke my heart all over again and I'm in tears. This has happened many times with external triggers.

I know my reaction is probably disproportionately strong and related to my own childhood - just wondering if there's others experiencing super strong maternal responses to horrible things you hear about? And does it ever leave you?

Should add that I'm still breastfeeding and maybe partly to do with it...

Your descriptions sound like PTSD flashbacks which I suffer from too. There is a thread discussing the fears (which seem to affect most mothers) in Chat called 'What is wrong with me?’ I can’t copy the link on this laptop. Sorry.

Becoming a parent, especially a mother, can really dig up childhood traumas. It totally did open my old wounds.
And yes, breastfeeding can definitely affect your body chemistry - I am also still BF my 2 year old and I do feel like it's made me a bit more prone to mood swings and outbursts😅

You sound like an empathetic, sensitive person. It is a true gift but at times - like these early stages of motherhood - can be really overwhelming.

It's great you're getting therapy. I hope it gives you the tools to deal with the triggering reality. We're constantly bombarded with awful news and it's really hard to tune it out. What helps me is very slow and easy yoga and simple breathing exercises. Just stopping for a second and focusing on breathing. It creates a feeling of safety and grounding in my body. Maybe try that if you haven't already?

You're safe now, you're doing great. And you're not going to protect your LO from ever being hurt by this world, but you can be his safe haven. That is something you have not been given when you needed it and deserved it. But it's not too late. You can give it to yourself.

Solidarity ❤️

I know my reaction is probably disproportionately strong and related to my own childhood - just wondering if there's others experiencing super strong maternal responses to horrible things you hear about? And does it ever leave you?

It sounds more like a trauma response than a maternal one, if that makes sense? In my experience nothing triggers childhood trauma like having children - it hits a number of different buttons all at the same time.

Therapy will help in that you can separate out what is about responding to real risk, and what is a reaction to things gone by - generally speaking if there’s a strong or disproportionate response there’s something else fuelling the fire. Taking space in therapy to talk about your own experience of being parented and the impact it’s hard on you then and now lets you repackage it and lay it to rest.

It can leave you, but it takes work to really recognise and challenge your own reactions. Every single time. Just noticing you’ve had a strong reaction and reminding yourself that your experience is in the past, you’re safe now and giving your child a very different life is a good starting point.

This is why I love MN sometimes - people you don't even know offering empathetic, detailed helpful responses. Thank you. I'll check out that thread @theescapeladder. The only thing I can put it down to is childhood trauma + having a baby = opening my eyes and soul to horrible things everywhere and feeling it so bloody intensely...

@Jellycatspyjamas that's really profound actually that you say it's more a trauma response than a maternal one. Puts it in perspective