What is wrong with me?

[somethingschanged]

I was never maternal. I vowed up until my current partner/late 20s that I'd never have children - too selfish, no experience with kids (especially babies).

18 months ago I had DD. Since then I've gone from someone who has dealt with being able to deal with the most horrific things you could ever imagine as a parent without it affecting me (I work in emergency services) to being unable to even watch a programme whereby a baby is crying/child is hurt, etc. I start crying, I can feel my whole body tense, I feel so uncomfortable.

The severity of this reaction isn't normal, is it? Not 18 months PP at least? I haven't gone back to work yet but I genuinely don't know how I'm going to cope when I need to deal with children again now.

I read literature at uni, but when I got pregnant I couldn’t even read a book which referred to child abuse or cruelty. I assumed it was due to the hormonal changes of the pregnancy. I don’t really know if this is normal as I have never asked tbh.

Mine are older teens and I’m still like that now! I can also no longer fly without being terrified but before DC I’d flow to the Southern Hemisphere, the States (alone) all absolutely fine. I now feel we will plunge to the depths of the ocean and my poor babies (teens!) will die an awful death. Becoming a mother does strange things to your brain. I know my colleagues with children are the same.
I can’t watch news stories about kids where they warn ‘some viewers may find these details distressing’. I can still cry now thinking about some children in the news from years ago 😢
I think once you are back in work though, knowing you are helping these children, your professionalism will just kick in so that you can do your best for them.

I completely get that and wouldn't have questioned it if currently pregnant or newly post partum. 18 months just feels excessive 😕

My DC is 6 years old and I still actively avoid programmes with storylines where children are harmed. I've also stopped watching the news.

Before becoming a parent I could watch pretty much anything..I don't know if I'll ever get back to that.

I am still like that now, 30 years on from having my first child! I absolutely can not stand hearing or seeing any news about children being abused or neglected, it makes my stomach churn and causes me so much anger. I think, also, it's normal.

You’ll deal at work because you’re a trained professional.

That sounds completely normal to me.
Things you deal with in your every day and don't have kids, sometimes it happens that when you do you have a completely different reaction!

I'm the exact same OP! I directly worked with abused children and could read horrific histories without it impacting me. I read research and watched documentaries about abuse. Also, any crime type stuff involving kids, I was all over it. When I had my son 4 years ago all of that changed.

To this day (in my personal life) I cannot read, watch or discuss anything to do with harm to a child. I am no longer emotionally resilient enough to cope with it. I feel like becoming a mum unlocked something inside of me and my emotional capacity just expanded so much that it blindsided me!

Like you, I work in a field where I cannot avoid children being in a vulnerable position and I had the same fears after mat leave. I didn't think I could cope / face it. But, weirdly, I can cope in a professional capacity. I would say it does 'affect' me more, in that I'm perhaps not as detached as I once was. But, not to an extent that it impairs my ability to do my job. I definitely feel things more deeply and use this as more motivation to get things right and advocate for others.

You'll be fine!