Help me be the bigger person (tween girls)

[BeTheBiggerPerson]

I’m trying to model good behaviour for my daughter and help her to rise above it all, but ARGH I am so cross. She’s in a really small Y6 class where there are even numbers of boys and girls, and whilst she is quieter and prefers not to get involved in drama, she’s a well behaved and generally popular girl, and never seems to have any particular issues with the other girls.

I’ve found out that one of the girls is having a birthday party and has invited all the other girls except my daughter. She says she is ok with it and is pretty stoic generally, but my heart is breaking for her and I am SO cross with the child and her mother for allowing this to happen. I need to not let it become a thing (school are aware and keeping a quiet eye on her), but how can I follow my brave daughter’s example and rise above it all? What I want to do is go in with all guns blazing - I won’t as I know it would just cause more problems, but it’s awakened this fierce protective instinct in me 😕. How can I let it go?!

Have a good old rant to someone away from it in real life so you've said it all out loud, then move on.

How's have invites come out?

I don't think you need to go in all guns blazing, but are the parents aware she's the only one left out? It might be worth checking. Even if you know they know. Otherwise just plan something really fun for you and her to do on the day of the day, as much for you as her!

This happened to me the other day and I did confront the parent (really gently and lightly).

He just said he hadn't realised and that of course my DD was invited it was an oversight. I asked her and she didn't want to go and we made other plans but I'm so glad I said something.

I don't know if the parent was totally truthful but it made DD feel better when she was told it was just an accident. And I hope he was a little bit thoughtful about how easy it is to make a child feel excluded.

I did do it super carefully though and approached it by asking if there had been a problem or falling out taut I wasn't aware of and it led from there.

I had this with my DD being excluded from an all class party. She was equally stoic. Just saying “oh I didn’t get invited” with a shrug. When asked by friends “why weren’t you there” she happily replied “I wasn’t invited. I don’t know why”.

I was raging!! But didn’t say anything. In fact I had to invite her DD to my DD’s party a few months later when DD really wanted her there. I expected them to decline but they actually came. I got over it eventually and I think things like that can be a useful tool for helping children learn to cope with these difficult and awkward situations. Though sounds like your DD has that down well already:

Oh the daughter and the mother are fully aware - there are literally 5 girls in the class so it’s a deliberate exclusion. I’m just so shocked they would do this - it’s always been a happy little class and this has come totally out of the blue. I only found out because one of the other parents asked what time it was happening and then my daughter said they’d all been talking about it at school. I’m going to try to not react beyond ranting on here, but OMG I want to confront the mother 🤬. Very proud of my daughter for her calm reaction though. She’s a better person than I am!

Well done your DD. Being deliberately excluded is sometimes a form of bullying. Glad that the school are monitoring this.
On the occasions my DD had similar we just had a really nice day doing something she really liked.

Do they normally play together? If not, I wouldn't get worked up about it. Why should anyone invite all the girls or all the boys? That feels so random. It makes more sense to invite whoever you are friends with.

So there's 5 girls in the class and your DD is the only girl left out? I'd be fucking raging too and of course the parents have to be aware your DD is being excluded.

I think you have it all sorted (rant away from DD, make sure school keep and eye and model a good reaction for your DD) but I'd be keeping a very close eye on this. Such a small class means it's very easy to exclude and be mean.

Yep, only 5 girls and she was the only one not invited. I totally get not being able to invite all the girls in a big class, and just picking a handful of good friends, but to exclude one when there are only 5 of them seems deliberately spiteful and as a PP has said, bullying behaviour. Thankfully the other girls and boys are all nice, and the class generally won’t tolerate bullying, but I’m sitting here fuming and plotting my revenge (obviously won’t actually do anything but I’m just so upset on her behalf).

If it's usually such a happy class are you sure there's not a mix-up? I wouldn't be able to help asking to be honest.