Visiting very ill relative

[BlueJellycat]

Sorry namechanged as I have a few posts on this but paranoid I dont want my relatives family to work out its me.

Dh relative has cancer. It's spreading with treatment. He has asked their relatives who all live together if we can visit. The reply was 'yes but we are extremely stressed and you must not outstay your welcome'. I think this is a no. Relative isnt near eol but i think might be end of treatment or will be soon. Message to me is, No its not OK to visit. Dh disagrees. After hearing this, I'm not going. I think maybe dh could visit on his own for maybe 45 minutes 1 hour max. Long enough for a coffee but no longer than the time it takes to drink it. We are not local to put it mildly. Even then I think he's got a thick skin not to read between the lines.

However I secretly think all signs point to this being the final chance to check in with them.

I don't know how to word it, but I'm not going. I don't think it's fair. I won't ever see them again now, I know that in my gut. However in the scale of things I think it's irrelevant. I also think dh going wouldn't benefit them in anyway. So it's incredibly sad and I can't express how sad I feel but it's not about me or dh.

Should I let dh make his own desision or put him off? Am I doing the right thing by not visiting? I think the reply is pretty clearly saying they could do without seeing us. Or him. It would be all about us wanting to see them i feel. What we want isn't important. Dh I feel is in total denial about how serious this is.

But is the reply from the terminally ill relative themselves, or someone else?

No, their parents, via mil. I feel the parents wishes possibly come forefront. It wasn't pitched at seeing the sick relative, just a catch up with all of them. The parents own the house so they say who comes and goes firstly.

I'm not comfortable visiting now whether it's been lost in translation a bit or not. I can feel their stress.

It's hard because as much as it's easy to say - I'd want to see everyone if it was me - plenty of people who are terminal don't want people to visit them because they don't want to be seen unwell and consequently remembered that way. You want last memories of them being well/happy/free, not bed-bound, in pain and not 'as themselves'.

Everyone is different, but my closest friend works in EOL care and most patients refuse visitors as they don't want to be seen ill and that they know each 'visit' is a goodbye, without the words ever actually being spoken.

Lots of love, it's never easy. X

Totally understand the response we looked after my hubby's terminal mum and it toally exhausted her so we did that because there's so many wanted to see her before she went. Everybody understood and also she was in so many pain meds she slept lots also so had to be around that best we could for her. I think your being petty tbh

Relative is up, about, looking very healthy but of course looks deceive and I'm sure they aren't feeling good.

Interesting that it's going to be an goodbye weather that's said outloud or not. I would love to see them. I just don't think it's the right thing.

I think dh should go. I think he's to scared to go without me. It will become real. My mums recently died. I can trust myself to be bubbly and bright for a start. But I'd just simply feel unwelcome too. I just dontvwont to add to any pain.

But then I'm not sure I could show my face at the funeral after that. Minefield. Might base my excuse around looking after the kids and germs etc. In the bigger picture, I don't figure. Not sure dh does either. Mil is very much inner circle. I dont think she is thinking logically any more. This will almost certainly be her last visit. On that basis too I think dh needs to go.

I think I'd be inclined to take the message on face value. If the answer was no, they'd say no. However, they've said yes, while asking for you to be considerate. In your shoes I'd simply check the best time, turn up as arranged and keep it very brief.

When my FIL was receiving end of life care, we had contact from many people wanting to say goodbye. This was genuinely absolutely fine and my FIL said he was happy to see them, however he tired very easily and it was clear that many people didn't know how to read the room. Communication/socialising was very tiring for him (although very much welcome - but there was a balance to be found - he needed regular breaks and naps). There were also some visitors who turned into unwelcome "nurses", thinking they knew best, or who turned visits into an open ended "day trip" and would make themselves at home, expecting hosting (often multiple cups of tea and biscuits followed by lunch and/or supper, etc... often we hadn't even had a chance to think about what we were eating, let alone hosting anyone else). In the end we had to get firm and state "short visits no longer than an hour" (which could always be extended ad hoc if FIL desired).

I suspect the family may be open to receiving visitors but simply trying to avoid the situation(s) that I've described, hence bluntly stating that you're welcome but you're not to outstay your welcome (in hindsight, I wish we'd been that frank!).

@Ladyj84 why do you think I'm being petty? Geniune question. There is no good outcome here. I dontvwantvto be petty so I need to remove myself from.the equation.

Whatever I do it will be wrong. I think I have to go with my gut. And my guts says its a stressful time and whether I was there or not won't figure in a weeks time on anyones radar. It would be for my benefit. To see them possibly for a last time. My sick relative hasn't got headspace for me right now or anyone except immediate family and friends I'm sure

Good advice. Dh needs to check the time to go over and say it will be a hour unless that's too long. We've got 3 kids. I can't see how six visitors at once is a good idea. Dh said leave the kids with our 15 year old. I think I will sleep on it.

My relative isn't eol so not in bed or anything like that. They are up about and active but very very unwell. I was hoping it was going to be a breezy popping in while passing but something I feel has shifted and its made things very raw right now. There is never going to be a better time.

God I dont want to fuck this up. Its so bloody unfair. Life is so cruel.