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Original poster

Why hasn't this man responded?

26 replies

Mountainous · 29/09/2023 16:20

He's someone I've know for years, never felt any great connection but contacted him a couple of weeks ago for a specific reason, chatted briefly and ended up going for a drink. It neither was or wasn't a date, just friendly, but I suppose if really successful could have turned into a date.

Anyway we had a pleasant enough evening, had a bit of a heart to heart/ off load (him more than me), but it was definitely friendly rather than flirtatious.

As we were saying goodbye, we didn't make any future arrangements, but he said he'd seen me doing an activity with a (mixed) group of friends on FB and he'd be interested in joining.

So when we were next due to go I invited him. He hasn't replied. Not any sort of acknowledgement. He's definitely seen it and he's been on messenger several times since.

I don't care if he comes or not, I was just doing a nice thing and the more the merrier etc. but find I am mightily pissed off that he cba to text yes or no. WTF is going through his mind?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 29/09/2023 16:30

I ghosted someone once. It wasn't intentional but he messaged me and I wasn't ready to reply so I left it a day. The following day came and I still wasn't sure what I wanted to say - wasn't a definite yes or no at that stage.

Then life happened and couple more days passed. And then a week had gone by. I hadn't felt strongly enough either way to make a definite decision but, by the time a week had passed, it felt too long and that the moment had passed.

So he might well be giving it some thought and not feel strongly enough about it either way to commit either way. He might be waiting to see if something better comes up. He might be waiting for a confirmation of an already pencilled in option. Who knows.

Anyway, he's probably just thinking about it and hasn't realised you've got a deadline in mind for him to reply.

You say yourself that you're not bothered whether he goes or not. Maybe he feels similarly.

Original poster
Mountainous · 29/09/2023 16:33

It's still polite to say thanks for the invite can I let you know, or similar?

OP posts:
ManyOwls · 29/09/2023 16:36

I think you're overthinking this. It seems clear you're more 'into him' than he is to you and it's fine to admit to yourself that you maybe are hankering for a little more

It doesn't seem like he's quite on the same page and yes, whilst it may well be polite to acknowledge your message, I'm not sure you'd feel any better if he replied saying ' thanks but I'll give it a miss'

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Original poster
Mountainous · 29/09/2023 16:39

ManyOwls · 29/09/2023 16:36

I think you're overthinking this. It seems clear you're more 'into him' than he is to you and it's fine to admit to yourself that you maybe are hankering for a little more

It doesn't seem like he's quite on the same page and yes, whilst it may well be polite to acknowledge your message, I'm not sure you'd feel any better if he replied saying ' thanks but I'll give it a miss'

I'm not into him. I might have been "into" the possibility that there could be a "him" before we had the drink, but not now.

OP posts:
ManyOwls · 29/09/2023 16:42

But if you're not into him why are you so bothered about 'WTF is going on in his mind?'

I think you protest too much Grin

Original poster
Mountainous · 29/09/2023 16:43

ManyOwls · 29/09/2023 16:42

But if you're not into him why are you so bothered about 'WTF is going on in his mind?'

I think you protest too much Grin

I'm interested in human nature and I don't know why you wouldn't acknowledge someone who tried to do a nice thing for you.

OP posts:
ManyOwls · 29/09/2023 16:44

Because you can't be bothered?
Because you don't want to encourage anything?
Because you've forgotten?

Your guess is as good as ours

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/09/2023 16:57

He probably just read it and forgot to reply?

Do you get this wound up about every message you don't get a reply to or is it just when you feel like you've been rejected by a bloke you don't even fancy?

LuluBlakey1 · 29/09/2023 17:01

He's not interested and has no manners.

PinkFrogss · 29/09/2023 17:08

Maybe he’s busy or just forgot? It’s a little rude but not the big deal you seem to think it is. I would just forget it.

Original poster
Mountainous · 29/09/2023 17:16

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/09/2023 16:57

He probably just read it and forgot to reply?

Do you get this wound up about every message you don't get a reply to or is it just when you feel like you've been rejected by a bloke you don't even fancy?

Well that's my point, it doesn't happen. I don't think I've ever invited anyone anywhere and got nothing at all back.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 29/09/2023 17:18

Mountainous · 29/09/2023 17:16

Well that's my point, it doesn't happen. I don't think I've ever invited anyone anywhere and got nothing at all back.

Show quote history

Really? Well aren't you special! I forget to reply to people all the time, and people do the same to me. It's a text message, if you actually want an answer you give them a ring

Original poster
Mountainous · 29/09/2023 17:22

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/09/2023 17:18

Really? Well aren't you special! I forget to reply to people all the time, and people do the same to me. It's a text message, if you actually want an answer you give them a ring

Show quote history

When it's an invitation to a specific event? It's not obvious a response is needed? I obviously mostly know people with some manners.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 29/09/2023 17:30

Mountainous · 29/09/2023 17:22

When it's an invitation to a specific event? It's not obvious a response is needed? I obviously mostly know people with some manners.

Show quote history

That's what a phone call is for. If I need to have an actual answer for something, why would I send a message that can easily read and forgotten about. This bloke might have been driving when he received it, or in the middle of a conversation, and thought he'll reply later. It just seems like such a small thing to get wound up by, especially if you don't even have any interest in this guy.

Nagado · 29/09/2023 23:56

Was he under the impression that you were on a date when you met up?

I suspect he thinks you fancy him and this is why you’ve invited him to join your hobby. He doesn’t fancy you, which is why he hasn’t responded. I suspect it hasn’t occurred to him that you invited him on a platonic basis.

WandaWonder · 29/09/2023 23:59

An official invite even electronically sure a general mention I would have no issues presumably if they wanted to contact me they would, if not why think this deeply if I am not bothered in the first place?

egowise · 30/09/2023 00:03

LuluBlakey1 · 29/09/2023 17:01

He's not interested and has no manners.

This.

CallieQ · 30/09/2023 00:46

Agree it's annoying but not enough to post on MN about it Grin

Ladyj84 · 30/09/2023 00:48

I also forget to reply to people all the time will take a quick glance in the middle of being busy with kids then totally forget for a few days

lucyhadness1996 · 30/09/2023 01:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FraidyPuss · 30/09/2023 01:53

I thought OP meant mixed as in males and females?

Anyway you can either give him a call or shrug and leave it.

peakedatseven · 30/09/2023 03:02

I think I remember your previous thread where you were wondering if it was a date or not? If that was you, and the mention of off loading from him on this thread, then it sounds like he is going through a stressful time at the minute. He probably just isn’t in the head space to be as thoughtful as normal if he has a lot going on.

CoughingMajoress · 30/09/2023 03:28

Mountainous · 29/09/2023 17:22

When it's an invitation to a specific event? It's not obvious a response is needed? I obviously mostly know people with some manners.

Show quote history

Really?

You've literally never in your entire life known a person with a mental illness? Never ever known a neurodivergent person? Never met someone who's ever undergone a major personal tragedy, or an illness? You don't know anyone with busy and chaotic lives where they're having to juggle workloads, kids, and other commitments and occasionally things fall through the cracks?

I'm not suggesting that this man is any of those things, but real people have real lives, and most people's lives are extremely busy and things fall through the cracks. What will you think if in a week this guy comes back and says his mum died, or he had Covid, or had a stressful work deadline?

It's very very unlikely that this man is doing this deliberately. He's not non-replying AT you. He's most likely just completely forgotten that you mentioned it because he's busy or stressed with other stuff, and other things or other people distracted him. Honestly people act like they're the centre of the world and every action is deliberate and aimed at them, when most people are just thinking about themselves and trying to get through the day as best they can.

I get probably 200 whatsapp messages on an average day (as well as endless emails and phone calls with all manner of invitations and meetings and work things and all sorts of things to juggle), and it's impossible not to accidentally overlook stuff sometimes. My best friend whatsapped me a few days ago, I opened her message then the phone rang before I could read it properly, and it turned into a tricky and stressful work call, and the message just fell out of my head completely. The next time I looked at whatsapp I had so many new messages that hers was alllllll the way down (so I would have had to scroll really far down to even see it) so because it wasn't visible I didn't have any kind of memory prompt that I even had a message I needed to reply to. I'd never intentionally ignore my best friend, it just that forgetting stuff is normal human behaviour.

You can't expect people to be perfect 24/7.

AceofPentacles · 30/09/2023 07:46

I usually find that no answer means no. Done people don't know how to politely decline so they don't say anything

NutellaNut · 30/09/2023 08:33

Maybe he thinks you fancy him but he’s not interested, so is ghosting you?