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Original poster

Missing my mum so much tonight

38 replies

omega4ever · 28/09/2023 22:41

My beautiful mum died 4 months ago ago.
A peaceful death at home after a fight with cancer in her 80s.
I think ive been coping really well... but tomorrow is my birthday and I can't believe i won't see or speak to her ever again. I feel so alone in the world without her.

It's hit me hard today and I just wanted to write this down.

OP posts:

Siddalee · 29/09/2023 01:08

@omega4ever I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're feeling now. I think @Ifyouarehappyandyouknowit123 quote captures it beautifully grief will last as long as love does- forever

I'm currently sitting in my mums living room, listening to her breathe. She's 84 and has gone rapidly downhill in the past 10 days. This is the end for my wonderful, amazing mum. I'll not lie- part of me is hoping that it's tonight her breathing stops because seeing her suffer over the past week, losing her dignity and herself is almost a painful as losing her.

If you're lucky- as we've been, to have a mother who has brought joy and love to your life, I dont think you can ever "get over" it. After losing my equally amazing dad 14 years ago, what I do know is that whilst the pain remains, gradually you feel it less often. But when you do feel it, its like the first day again.

It's explained much better than I can explain here in the ball in a box theory.
Much love to you x

This Analogy Perfectly Explains Why You Can’t Just ‘Get Over’ Grief

"I thought this was the best description of grief I’ve heard in a long time."

https://themighty.com/topic/grief/ball-box-analogy-grief/

Butteredtoast55 · 29/09/2023 20:00

Happy Birthday @omega4ever I hope today has been ok 💐

Notlaughingalot · 29/09/2023 20:25

I'm sorry for your loss. Your mum was obviously a very special lady. Sending hugs and hoping that you can have as happy a birthday as your mum would have wished for you.

MaBellOnDaLoose · 29/09/2023 20:36

I'm so sorry for your loss, op.
After my mum passed, I used to make 2 cups of tea and set them on the table and have a chat in my head (& then drink "her" tea).

Hepzibar · 29/09/2023 20:49

It's hard sometimes isn't it. My mum died 2 years ago after a fall, she was 81 in reasonable health - definitely mentally sharp and articulate.

Never a day goes by without me thinking about her. The things she's missed, her amazing great-granddaughter she would so love.
Her legacy lives on in me, her grandchildren and great grandchildren

Original poster

omega4ever · 29/09/2023 22:27

Thank you all for the kind and thoughtfull messages...they have really helped me to accept my feelings and get through today.

It's been a very quiet birthday.. a long walk in the sunshine this morning remembering happy times with mum, getting out 2 loads of washing on the line and smiling about how much mum would of loved this... and putting some lovely birthday flowers in her favorite vase... which is now my favorite vase. My DH has been very kind and gentle and understanding. We had a nice meal and watched a film together.

I've been trying to think of positives and things to be thankfull for. My mum was a very positive force and I can hear her telling me to enjoy life and move on... I know this sounds corny but I really can.

My heart breaks and aches for everyone who is currently loosing their much loved mums to cancer, illness,dementia and old age.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 29/09/2023 23:36

There is a whole year and a bit* of firsts, some harder than others. It's tough to get through. Four months is still so very early.

(Anniversary of the funeral)

Tumbleweed101 · 30/09/2023 00:19

My mum died in Jan and the last week or so I’ve been really tearful
and missing her loads again, almost as bad as I was at the beginning. My birthday and mums birthday were only a day apart and it was very hard when I had my birthday this year (March).

I hope your birthday was lovely even without your mum there.

notnowdennis · 30/09/2023 00:25

I love the post about tea. Every cup of tea I ever made my mum was never quite right and she’d find a way to tip it down the sink without me really seeing. I might make two cups now and have a little laugh about it.

much love to you OP. It’s the worst pain and I retreat from our old celebrations now. They don’t feel the same anymore. I have made some new traditions though. In time, you might too.

ohyesohyesoh · 30/09/2023 00:26

So sorry for everyone on this thread. I lost my mum this year. Very unexpectedly. And the 'big' days are so hard but I struggle with all of the inconsequential days in between.
I miss random texts to and fro about guess who I saw in town , or guess what one of-the kids has done now.

And she would have text back with some smart comment or just a little gripe back. That's what I miss.

Malbecmama · 30/09/2023 00:27

Sending love, it's the most special relationship xxx

DyslexicPoster · 30/09/2023 00:33

My mum died in May. I picked up her death certificate on Wednesday. It's still very raw. Every first will be very painful. The seconds not much better tbh.

Grief is the price you pay for love. The more wonderful they was, the harder you hurt. Be thankful you loved her much to miss her so bad. That's your tribute to your shared love. She never is 100% gone. Every time you think 'what would mum have said about this?' You know what she would say don't you? You knew her. Every belief she had she shared with you.

Some wise poster said when my mum died to another poster. Everything they did touched you, shaped you and made who you are today. You shared her life. That will never go away or leave you or fade. You carry her, every minute of every day. So she therefore is with you. Talk to her. She doesn't need to communicate back for you to hear her wisdom or love. You know what she would say to you don't you? She loves you. You make her proud. I'm sure of that just from your words on her.

Playingintheshadow · 30/09/2023 00:37

I'm in tears reading this thread. It's so so hard! I always say that you never get over it, just learn to live with it somehow.

It will be 17 years soon since I lost my mum. My kids were very young so only have a hazy memory of her (and my dad, who died suddenly 5 months before she did). My mum died 4 days before her 63rd birthday, 2 days before my youngest's 3rd birthday. Fucking cancer.

I was talking to a work colleague whose mum is very unwell (cancer too) and she said her mum was 79. It was only after I came off the call that I realised she's the same age as mum would be, and she's been gone 17 years.

I'm glad you had a nice quiet day @omega4ever. I've always tried to tell myself that birthdays, anniversaries etc are just another day, but they're not. The first year is particularly tough with all the firsts. Sending hugs to all on this thread xx

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