When people ruin your hopes

[PurpleSky300]

So I’m a bit upset tonight and am just wondering why some people feel compelled to ruin any glimmer of happiness or hope thst other people might have. I know someone who is like this about absolutely everything.

New car – “you won’t be able to drive it, it will cost a bomb, don’t like the colour”
New job – “it’s too far away, doesn’t pay enough, you’ll have a long commute, you might hate it, it won't go down well”
New house – “too small, cramped, you’ll be bored, you won’t have enough money to furnish it”

On and on and on. Some people just seem to live to shit on any chance of happiness that might come into your life, like they want you to just sit in a hole in the dark. My DM is like this and can’t seem to stop this stuff coming out of her mouth. I don't understand.

Be less available... See your happiness rise..

Stop telling her anything.

My DM can be like this so I sympathise OP! Even if I say “I’m doing xxx on xxx day” she will say something like “oh the weather is meant to be awful” I’m not sure why she does it and I’ve never called her out on it as she’s always been like it and as I’ve only realised.

It seems like something they can't help, like it just comes out?

It's like someone telling you they were going on holiday and you saying "Oh well let's hope the plane doesn't crash" or something, totally and utterly tone-deaf and inappropriate but it's like they don't see it?

Yeah I know someone who can’t seem to be happy when good things happen to others. Very sad!

I have a relative like that. Always negative about anything I feel happy about. I also have a toxic neighbour upstairs who makes noise when I am trying to work to get my attention. Some people just can’t seem to let you enjoy being content with your life.

We aren't all like that thankfully. I can see why you'd be annoyed though. Like another poster said, lower contact. Surround yourself with people who are positive. I know very few people who are happy for others. My auntie for example is a gorgeous person, in that, she sees the good in every situation, even when it's really quite challenging. I love going to see her and always come away feeling amazing. I hope you have some people like that in your life 💐

Yes. When we got a summerhouse for the garden so many people sneered at us, saying that we'd never use it, that it would just become an extra storage space etc that I was determined to put them wrong. I use it as often as it's warm enough to do so.

I hate when people do this .. I can remember a friend 'bullied' me, after a fashion, for having the temerity to lose weight while she was still fat!!

It comes from anxiety, people who have had bad luck or a hard life struggle to see the positive in things. They try and insulate themselves against disappointment by bracing themselves for the worst, and by extension they try to protect you and shield you in the same way. It comes from a place of concern for you, perverse as it seems. I wouldn't go low contact over something like this, it's just misguided concern for your welfare and isn't at all neglectful.

It's a rather knee jerk reaction to suggest OP should cut important family members out of her life for such a trivial thing. How about OP actually tries to speak to them and ask them to tone it down first? Good grief, no wonder modern families are so fractured if people can't even have a discussion about their issues before flouncing.

A family member and a good friend do this to me. It’s how I know if I am doing well.

With people like this, the best way is just to distance yourself and not tell them things.

I agree with your take on their motivation, but nonetheless it can be very depressing to be around, especially if these people brought you up! My mother is exactly like this, and it took me well into adulthood to get beyond her ‘Don’t try anything ever, because you’ll only be disappointed’, because it was the main childhood script I was raised with — so I do find it enraging!

As I'm now in my 40s I can look back and see times where I was put off things that would have majorly improved my life (or were intended to) by a "friend" who is always like this. If anyone's younger, take my advice and avoid these people and their negativity, especially if you know yourself to be sensitive and open to influence. Your friends should build you up and encourage you.

Edit: I re-read and saw one of the culprits is your mother. Well, maybe not low contact, then, but I would address it directly with her. "I'm trying to make positive changes, please don't pour cold water on my ideas" etc. or even speak with a therapist about strategies. Don't let it put you off as I was 😟

Yeah, mainly from my siblings' ex-spouses and from my dh's bil. In fact, we didn't get any of the lovely responses that you got until we started using it as intended. It put a dampener on our excitement, certainly, but forced us to prove them wrong at the same time. I love it in there; in the summer it's my favourite place to be.

My dm has always done this and I suspect it's anxiety, not wanting me to be unhappy but also she cares about what others think too. I also have wondered if part of it is jealousy? Not wanting me to have more opportunities as she had so few?

It's draining isn't it?

I have worked out how to stop it though, I just say "it's what I have decided" and it stops the conversation. I then feel like I have remained in control of it. Try it, it's life-changing!

Fun suckers op! A lot of people from my hometown are like this, I was ina supermarket lift once chatting to a friend about my holiday to Crete. A random man chimed in: ‘Crete? Worst place I’ve ever been’. Some people just can’t stop themselves.

My Dad can be like that however I suspect he’s has suffered with depression and anxiety all of his life so I rise above it and also don’t tell him much now.

Why not tell her to stop raining on your parade?

Or just hang up or walk away next time she does it?

I have never experienced that tbh. Do you perhaps overshare so they feel over-invested in your purchases and feel entitled to an opinion?

You could close them down by stating that you didn't ask for their opinion

Isn't your husband's brother-in-law your brother-in-law too?

I had a feeling it was going to be your mother when I started reading it OP, mine is exactly the same.

I love her, but my god it's draining and depressing. Always negative, always finding the problem with something - never just able to be happy for other people. I sort of think it's instinctual at this stage, she is never able to look past the problems with things.

I find it's best to just spend a bit less time with her, or don't tell her much.
Thankfully my friends are positive people who are supportive and lovely, so I have people to share things with.

Judy ignore it. Why does someone else's view matter more to you than your own? If you're happy then that's what matters.