Struggling to support my friend through long term infertility and loss (upsetting)

[backintowinter]

I feel like she only wants me to tell her she's doing the right thing, and I get that.... but she's not. Her DH is upset by the whole thing too.

She will not take any time off work ever (I know for a fact she is entitled to far better sick leave than I am). She has started to be really judgemental and horrible about women who take time off during pregnancy, and loudly goes on about how she was in work all throughout her miscarriages. It's upsetting to listen to and she's quite graphic about it.

I think it's obvious that she is really struggling just now with it all. I met her during lunch one day and was quite shocked because she looked so down and ill. I get that she needs work to keep her in a routine, but her DH messaged me asking if I can help convince her to take some time off. We're both so worried about her. She's obsessed with starting a new round of IVF but she's not well enough.

I need really wise advice on this one.

Oh that's so sad. I've been through IVF and miscarriages (now have my miracle boy) and work was the last thing I wanted. Though I did have managers ask if it would help take my mind off things...

Everyone is different though and perhaps she sees going to work as her being strong, or maybe she physically can't bare the thought of sitting on her sofa with nothing to do but think. Grief and trauma can do incredible things to one's behaviour and thought processes. I don't think I understood the immense strain I was under until my baby was born.

It's very good that she has a friend like you who wants to be the right support and help her in the right way.

Have they had any counselling? That was a big help for me and my DH. It is very hard though to acknowledge and say out loud just how awful it all is. She might not be able to do so yet. Her talking about her miscarriages could be how she is processing it all. Very difficult though for you to listen and not know how to respond. Make sure you don't take on her grief. It's ok to say when it's too much for you (if you feel it is).

Hopefully someone helpful will be along. I didn't have a friend I felt I could talk to like that, so I'm not sure how I would respond in your place 💐

maybe she physically can't bare the thought of sitting on her sofa with nothing to do but think.
I think this is it for her.

It's awful watching it happen and feeling so helpless. She has had counselling through her IVF provider but actually I haven't heard her talk about in a while.

Thank you for being so kind. I'm so glad it worked for you.

@backintowinter it's so hard, the hardest thing I've ever been through. You could ask MNHQ to move this to the Infertility board to get more replies 💐