What advice for DD struggling with weight

[JeremiahTheBullfrog]

When she asks. Or when she raises the subject.

She is 22 and in university about 5 hours from home so only comes back for the big breaks.

She was always thin and fit but 2ish years ago she got depressed and in the course of dealing with that she began over eating and gained several stone over a short period which she has kept.

In her head she is still a thin girl so whenever she sees herself she gets upset and despairs. She is still actively dealing with depression and is doing brilliantly in spite of her mental health struggles.

She often says "I can't lose weight", "I'm hungry all the time" and I don't know what to say in response.

I've tried the positive comments and focus on other things. I've suggested quick and easy healthy food. At home I always cook healthy vegetarian food but I think she raids the cupboards between meals (probably healthy food, just too much of it and no exercise)

What are good, constructive and non harmful things to say in response to weight woes?

ask her what she wants you to say? Is she looking to offload? Does she want reassurance? How is her health? I always say your weight is NOT your worth… you are you and your body is just a thing that houses you… BUT there is no denying that obesity and excess weight carries significant health risks and consequences…

She could join slimming world? or download my fitness pal app or similar?

Don't push slimming world, weight watchers or any other fad diets. Research mindful eating and help her to discover it. Also focus on exercise to stabilise blood sugar levels. Treatment for binge eating focuses on keeping blood sugar in the medium range as this helps to control hunger urges. This is a pivotal point in her relationship with food and it's your chance to make it a healthy one. Don't fall for the Mumsnet obsession, many people on here have disordered eating issues and their advice will make her binge in the long term.

The reason I suggest slimming world is due to the comments about always feeling hungry and can’t lose weight mentioned in the OP.
SW is basically a calorie controlled diet but with a lot of the counting taken out and simplified to you can eat x and y in larger quantities but not ab and c. It’s focussed on healthy foods now too and not processed stuff so much… though I’d say there is too much fake sweetener etc for my liking still. But all in all it’s one of the lesser evils.

Yes ask her what kind of support she'd find helpful, but fundamentally the priority is to address the depression. Exercise is an important tool in that and should be seen as a way of improving her general physical and mental health, and connecting with her body (rather than primarily as a way of paying for what she eats).

Her struggle to handle her emotions has prompted the overeating, so that's what needs to be addressed first. She's gone through a big adjustment and will be starting to face into becoming a fully-fledged adult and the pressures and expectations on her (including from herself).

Agree you have an important role to play in reassuring her that weight doesn't equal worth.

I put on a lot of weight when I went to uni (talking 20 years ago) also as a result of mental health problems - undiagnosed at the time. University living isn't conducive to healthy eating, and there is still lots of toxic body stuff around which she may well be experiencing.

(No I didn't and don't have a lovely mum such as you OP who I felt I could talk to or wanted to offload to - the fact she's talking to you is really good. And you're probably hearing the absolute worst of what she feels - and perhaps that isn't the reality all the time).

IF she wants to lose weight and is struggling, then ask her to identify what her goal is (getting back into an item of clothing? Feeling ok in her skin? Being physically fitter?) and maybe go from there. If it's about feeling ok in herself then the answer probably isn't about weight at all - but about just slowly trying to rebuild that confidence. .

If she's kind of in a place where her weight depresses her but she isn't able to do anything about it because she making a huge effort to manage depression then - genuinely - I think it's useful to reflect that: 'there's a season for everything'. Right now is the season for her focusing on her MH and enjoying uni, whatever that looks like. Maybe in the future it'll be the time to focus on really wanting to change body shape or do exercise . But that doesn't need to be now or ever. She is enough, as she is (and always will be£

I'd agree with PP about weight not being reflection of anything. We live in a hyper obsessed slim culture - it's shitty shit and messes everyone up. Remind her of all the things that are beautiful and wonderful about her. Tell her that no one will notice or care (they don't and won't). Let her rant and be a safe space for her to feel angry about whatever. Many many people who are depressed put on weight (and many anti depressants have that effect as well). Perhaps it may be useful to reflect thay - if you feel you are able to say 'yes you are a different shape to what you were a few years ago'.

I Don't want to go on even longer, but I suppose the one thing that might usefully help both depression and her feelings towards her body is trying to get active (she may already be in which case ignore me). There are so many different things - groups, individual stuff, different sports etc. could that be something you support financially or otherwise? (Eg a weekly swim session).