Inverted snobbery

[Sfuandtired]

I have some close friends who I’ve known for many years, we get on very well, same sense of humour, morals etc. We have very different backgrounds and financial situations, this has no bearing on anything as far as I’m concerned however from time to time I’ll be referred to as the rich friend or the posh friend (I’m neither) which really bothers me, I hate it being brought up, it makes me feel as though I’m making them feel like I think I’m somehow better?! I really don’t, in fact I often feel I’m less than they are as I don’t have to work as hard as they do, and then that makes me feel guilty, has anyone experienced anything similar?

Anyone?

Just tell them you don't like those comments, please stop.

It amazes me that this seems to be an acceptable discrimination still. It's not something that really affects me, but I notice little digs at work about people being "posh" and attitudes which if you said the same thing about someone being poor would horrify people. There seems to be an assumption that "posh" people aren't very nice, and look down on everyone. You regularly see that attitude on Mumsnet. Sorry it's something your friends do, I guess facing it head on and asking them not to is the only option.

I've had similar comments throughout my life, though not usually from actual friends, more from schoolmates, work colleagues, neighbours etc. I'm sick of it.

It seems to be because I'm generally fairly quiet around people, but articulate when I do talk. This combination apparently means I'm stuck up, judgemental and looking down on people.

It's usually other women who make such comments and, no, I'm not exhibiting internalised misogyny by saying that - it's just the truth. Ironically it's often people who are actually more well-off and from "better" backgrounds than me who use the "posh" slur.

There was a long thread about this a few months ago, with many people denying that it's a slur. Nonsense - it's always said in a sneering way so is clearly not well-intentioned.

I'm in the same boat. The COL issue has made it worse. I try and forgive them as it much be really shit, and we can all end up on our arse.

I do get the sinking feeling that the wealth difference will throw itself up more as we get older.

I try and complement and praise them subtly without patronising them and gently refer to things that they have that I don't - family close by, naturally slim, well mannered kids, flexible working etc.

I do feel that I can't complain with them when I'm having a bit of a shit time.

I don't feel guilty though as some of the reason for the wealth gap has been their choice - prefer to work locally rather than chase the bigger job etc, and some spend their money on things we just don't fell the need for.

This really describes how I feel. I’d never dream of describing anyone as poor or similar but it seems acceptable the other way around?!

Thank you for the replies, I’ve thought about speaking to them and asking them to stop but I think they’d be bothered that they’re upsetting me. I think perhaps it will come to that though as it’s getting to the stage where I’ve avoided some events where it’s likely to come up.

You have different backgrounds and financial situations, you have said that you don’t have to work as hard as them. So you sound like you are financially better off and probably had more advantages in your childhood. You might not like it, but it appears you are wealthier than they are. It might be envy. It might also be things you’re doing that you don’t realise are tone deaf. DH has friends who are from wealthy families - mum and dad paid their student loans, parents were looking after their daughter. They’ve just put their daughter into nursery 2 days a week and are complaining about the cost (which is for 3 months before the funded hours kick in). He’s complaining to us, who have no family support, use nursery 4 days a week (our nursery bill is double theirs and DD has used nursery from 9 months) and go over the tax free childcare limit and are paying hundreds in student loan repayments each month. Not to mention their mortgage is significantly lower than ours due to sizeable donations from family, even though their house is worth significantly more. DH’s friends won’t consider themselves rich but they have a lot more disposable income than we do, that income can be used to generate more wealth for them.

I have this with my line manager. From the start she seemed to be assessing my wealth. We’re both foreign nationals so don’t prescribe to the British class system. But she has asked me if a bracelet I was wearing is expensive, told me I live in a posh neighborhood and that my perfume was obviously expensive. When I recently said something about a very successful Caribbean pop star she made a show of surprise that I knew who this is. It’s all done with an air of me being ‘not one of us’ and it feels bullying.

I so understand this. It's similar to the "it's alright for some" comments people make when they hear about something nice you've bought, some success you've had etc. They don't have it within themselves to offer praise or congratulations or say something nice.

If the converse was the case - you were saying how you'd fallen on hard times, lost the roof over your head, for example - they wouldn't pass comment on your poverty; why do they have to be so jealously negative about your "successes"?

I change my car every three years, new but same model every time, I have the same colour and keep my cherised number plate, because I don't want people to notice I've changed my car. I'm told this is inverted snobbery.

I especially enjoy posting inflamatory untrue shite about Comprehensive schools in reponse to any sweeping generalisations about Private Schools on here.

Me and DH get a lot of these comments from his family.

His upbringing was very working class. Between us now we earn ok, nothing amazing. We live a pretty average life. His family regularly make comments about us being “rich” or assume we won’t like certain things because we’re “posh”, apparently.

I’m not sure why it’s an acceptable form of discrimination.

If they are really close friends with the same morals just talk to them saving it's getting a bit old now this "you're the posh one" and be honest, tell them about the times you have ducked out. You would want to know I presume if comments you were making would make one of them feel so uncomfortable they thought they couldn't meet up. And as you say they have the same morals and humour.

You should be able to sort this out over a drink, two max, or half hour on WhatsApp.

I don’t think this is a hugely concerning hidden ‘discrimination’, sorry. The fact anyone thinks it is speaks volumes about the lack of actual problems in their life

Rich/posh doesn’t equal better, are you sure it isn’t just you who thinks that?

Why on earth don't you want anyone to notice you've bought a new car??

My grannie told me, they were children playing in the street, when a Rolls pulled up and parked. The boys started showing off their knowledge and saying to the girls - if you press that button, the figure will go down on the bonnet. So they all went up to the car and were trying to find the button and push the figure on the bonnet down for a while without success. Then the owner appeared and said 'It does not go down, I am afraid. This is one of the cheaper models'.

I’ve experienced this too OP. As I’ve aged, I care a whole lot was about what others think of me. Sometimes though it’s aimed to hurt and that says more about them than it does about me. Barbed comments usually always stem from jealousy.

If it feels like bullying it probably is