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Original poster

Temporary care of elderly parent - how would you split the workload?

14 replies

RockaLock · 27/09/2023 18:56

How would you split care of an elderly parent in these circumstances.

Parent has just had a hip replacement. They live alone, in a house (as opposed to a bungalow).

Parent has 2 children, DC1 and DC2.

DC1 lives a 5 minute walk away from their parent. They encouraged the parent to move near to them so that they could help out as they got older. DC1 has a partner and a dog, but no children.

DC2 lives 50 miles away. They have a partner, and 2 school-aged children.

In case it is relevant, both DC have full-time jobs.

DC1 and their partner have more or less equal salaries. DC1’s job is wholly WFH.

DC2’s family depend on their salary, as they are by far the main wage-earner. DC2 is meant to be in the office 3 days a week, WFH 2 days a week.

Given these circumstances, how would you expect the 2 DC to divide up looking after their parent for the next couple of weeks while they recover from their hip replacement?

OP posts:

PortalooSunset · 27/09/2023 19:20

It's pretty clear you're #2 and think #1 is trying to shirk responsibility, but WFH full time is still full time work, not able to pop in and out all day.

Unless the surgery was particularly complicated or there are significant comorbidities the parent should be encouraged to do as much for themselves as possible.
Hospital should have had parent assessed by OT/physio before discharge and they may be eligible for care visits (depends on area I think).

I think in our case siblings would take some annual leave for the first week or so and see how parent is managing.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/09/2023 19:39

I too am assuming you are #2 and pissed off with #1 not doing enough or preferably doing more than you, as you are further away and have children? You both work full time hours so both have the same commitment there. (It is irrelevant that #2 salary is the main one, presumably #1 works for the money too.) I suggest you come up with an arrangement you both can agree to. If your starting point is You Should Do More Than Me, it’s unlikely to work I would guess.

Original poster

RockaLock · 27/09/2023 19:47

DC2 is my DH, and quite frankly, yes, I do think that his sibling is trying to shirk responsibility.

DH has stayed at his parent's house all this week and has been working from a laptop in the kitchen. DC1 said they couldn't possibly work from their parent's house, because (a) the broadband might not be quick enough and (b) they needed 2 screens. They went a bit quiet when DH pointed out that both of those points applied to his job as well...

DH is encouraging his parent to do as much as possible themselves, but stairs are difficult (to do safely) at the moment with 2 crutches, as is preparing meals.

DC1 has popped in to see the parent once this week, for 10mins this morning evening (parent left hospital on Monday). (DC1 was away over the weekend, so hadn't been able to visit while they were in hospital - so since the op they have seen their parent for 10mins).

DC1 is not interested in helping at all. When DH said he would be coming home this weekend, and so DC1 would have to spend some time helping (not move in - but just pop in a few times a day and help with meals), DC1 made it clear that they were not happy about this at all.

The worst thing is that the parent has seen how little DC1 can be bothered with them, and it is quite upsetting for them. And no, DH was not the "favourite child", so that's not this issue at play here.

OP posts:

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Soontobe60 · 27/09/2023 20:03

It’s not a competition to see which sibling puts the most hours in to helping a parent! What should have happened is that the siblings should have ensured that professional support was put in place before their parent was discharged from hospital.
I’m surprised that they were discharged to a home that is not all on one level. Could they not have spent a couple of weeks in rehab?

Freddiefox · 27/09/2023 20:09

All you can do is say what you are happy to do and fill the rest of the time with carers. Yes dc1 is an as arse but you can’t force them

Bloatstoat · 27/09/2023 20:12

Could they afford a care home rehab stay for a couple of weeks? My aunt did this last year after an op as her DC live a long way away and have young families, it worked well for her.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 27/09/2023 20:16

Was there no plan decided before the op? Or plan on release from hospital?

It difficult because it would seem “fair” to split the load 50/50. However reality is that people have different relationships with their parents, different levels of willingness to care for others and different boudaries.

Original poster

RockaLock · 27/09/2023 20:19

I know it's not a competition! We were just shocked at DC1 expecting DH to do absolutely everything.

The hospital physio said they were fine to go home. The orange would probably be fine with someone making sure they could get up and down the stairs in the morning and evening, and then helping with lunch and dinner. But as we live 50miles away, DH obviously can't just pop in to do that - he either has to stay, or someone else does it. And DC1 was adamant it couldn't be them, so...

But I don't think it's unreasonable of DH to expect DC1 to put in some effort this weekend, so that he can come home at least for a couple of days 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Original poster

RockaLock · 27/09/2023 20:20

RockaLock · 27/09/2023 20:19

I know it's not a competition! We were just shocked at DC1 expecting DH to do absolutely everything.

But I don't think it's unreasonable of DH to expect DC1 to put in some effort this weekend, so that he can come home at least for a couple of days 🤷‍♀️

Parent, not orange! (Thanks, autocorrect. I'm on the app, so I can't edit the post).

OP posts:

Springingintosummer · 27/09/2023 20:21

Can you contact AGE Uk fo advice, we found them really helpful. Paying also for care several times a day, the parent that is, might be helpful.

Original poster

RockaLock · 27/09/2023 20:24

Thank you, I will tell DH to look into trying to arrange some outside care.

Although by this weekend it'll be a week post-op, and so I would hope that not much more care would really be needed (and therefore that DC1 could do some!)

OP posts:

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/09/2023 20:30

I think they are both being unrealistic. Your husband is doing too much but that doesn't mean his sibling should do more than they are comfortable with. Paid care was needed from discharge and discharge is not supposed to happen until they can manage stairs.

cptartapp · 27/09/2023 20:35

Parent has chosen to grow old in current property so should be paying for outside private care and leaving busy adult DC free of the burden. Good practice for the future as they become increasingly old and frail.
Paid respite care if necessary.

ohtowinthelottery · 27/09/2023 20:36

As others have said, this should have been addressed before discharge. Both my DM and my MIL lived alone when they had hip replacements - MIL also in a house. Both were transferred into a rehab unit from the hospital. MIL was then fine to cope once she went home. DM had 6 weeks of care visits funded until she could manage by herself. In MILs case she had 1 DC living 1 mile away and retired. DM had no one within 75 miles so we could only visit once a week.

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