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Anyone up?! Just found out out I was cheated on by my ex.

9 replies

Riseandfall30 · 26/09/2023 05:03

Pretty much as the title says. To give some context. Had a really horrific experience with an ex and probably still suffering from post-traumatic stress if I'm being honest.I posted a thread on here over a year ago titled 'Did he hack my phone?'. (Sorry, using a different phone, so apologies can't post link, but easy to find doing a Google search).

I was in Asia at the time and when I returned to the UK a couple of months later, I had to start my life again. There were still no many unanswered questions though. When I got home, I opened up an old Skype, and it started to randomly change information to dox me. It sent my ex a load of stuff and he told me that his email was blocked full of horrible stuff. Bearing in mind, this stuff has been going on for almost 3 years and was STILL happening even though I had smashed up my old phone which I always thought that was the reason for it all.

Anyway, since I've been back in the UK, I still can't put everything out of my mind. I can't go to sleep without the light off because I'm genuinely scared someone is out to get me. Every little noise, I flinch.I know it's so stupid because I know it was very likely him who hacked me, stalked me, manipulated me but he was so so convincing when I finally accused him of everything. He's even gone to the police over it and got a crime number. It's almost like I need closure, but never going to get it. It keeps me up at night. My daughter's life is ruined, but of course that's all my fault too according to him. The final message I received from him he had the audacity to call me a narcissist (he's the biggest narc going!) and then placed all the blame onto me.

I thought about writing a letter to his ex or contacting her. I just really thought gaining some kind of closure would give me peace, regardless of the truth. It's just the not knowing. He has said she used to do xyz to him and I just want to hear her side. Again, in my mind gaining the truth without any room for questioning would give me peace.

Anyway, tonight I finally find her on Facebook. Her profile picture is of them together in bed (keeping it classy!). The date is March 2021, just after we had got out of lockdown. He definitely cheated and it's from that date, not recently. There are some comments from people dated 2 years ago to.

Don't know what I'm looking for here. Just felt really low. He used to bang on so much about being faithful, he could never do it etc. It's just been all lies...lies and more lies.

A part of me wants to message and ask a ton of stuff. To know the truth and move on. I'm so fucking angry but at the same time, I'm happy because I know deep down I've had a lucky escape.

WWYD in my situation? I still haven't gone to the police about anything...I'm thinking I should but nothing they would do anyway.

Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
karakchai · 26/09/2023 05:30

Step back, leave it in the past and walk away. Focus on your daughter.

CrazyHamsterLady · 26/09/2023 05:43

You need to let this go, it sounds like it was ages ago.

SillySausagez · 26/09/2023 05:50

Get some therapy and cut ties

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HerMammy · 26/09/2023 05:53

I found this quite hard to figure out, but this stood out My daughter's life is ruined, but of course that's all my fault too according to him.
very worrying, work on your DD not waste time fixating on your ex.

yogasaurus · 26/09/2023 06:03

Did you send the horrible stuff to your ex, or you think Skype did it? Or you think he hacked you and sent it to himself?

None of this makes sense, as PP have said, get some help for your DD’s sake.

Riseandfall30 · 26/09/2023 06:24

I didn't send anything to him. Everything magically appeared to his phone, email, socials etc.

My DD and I are both healing. We are happy to be away from.him. I am just still dealing with the trauma of abuse and manipulation (can't sleep without light off etc). It's hard when you have believed someone has been after you, and out to destroy your life for 3 years.

I am going to see a therapist next week.

OP posts:
junbean · 26/09/2023 08:15

You'll never get truth from him, he's a liar. He was projecting when he accused you of what he was doing. He's a really effed up person and the sooner you can get rid of him from your mind the better.

My ex was like this as far as the lies and all that. I don't know what he was trying so hard to hide- I do know he cheated but this guy made lying and manipulating his whole life purpose. We had a baby together and he did everything he could to hide the baby's existence from his friends and family before completely abandoning us. It was a total mindfuck and hard to forget because we have a child, and because I just don't understand. I don't want to, I don't care, he is a horrible person! But it's hard to just forget when there's trauma or when you were invested innocently and they manipulated you.

Therapy helps of course. Learning mindfulness techniques can help you feel safe again. I have been trying to get out more, trying new things and meeting new people. New things help my mind establish a clear "that was then this is now" kind of feeling. I learned how to make handmade soaps and started a little business selling them. I'm planning a trip for this winter, and I'm very tentatively thinking about maybe dating again possibly lol. I once had a therapist tell me to pay attention to what I'm thinking about, and if intrusive thoughts about past trauma come up, visualize a big sign that says "STOP" and then redirect my thoughts to something healthy. I've practiced it a lot and it really does work. I recognize the way my body feels when my mind goes that direction too. When you work it out with the therapist and then gain some skills to help you move on, you gain control over what happened. It will be an amazing feeling to have that control over your life that you've been missing. He's gone and now you're able to get rid of the damage he left. He doesn't get to live on in your head or through fears. You can be proud of yourself for surviving that, getting out, and now taking steps to get healthy again. 💜

HerMammy · 26/09/2023 09:52

Things don't magically appear, they can be traced to their origin.

Riseandfall30 · 26/09/2023 11:17

@junbean . Thanks for this lovely post. I did need it today x

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