Sexual abuse as a child - trigger warning

[Dontknowwhatisgoingon]

Today my sibling told me that I touched her multiple times as a child, when she was 8 or 9 and I was 9 or 10. I feel sick, I am swinging between wanting to kill myself and wanting to turn myself into the police. I was raped as a teenager and now I feel like I deserved it, that it was karma and a punishment.
I have absolutely no memory of this, I'm sure it must have been someone else, not me, but she says she told our mum at the time who said it was normal and she knew it was happening. I don't know if she told my dad.
My sister has had so many mental health problems and I'm repulsed at myself, that I have contributed to it. I don't know what to do- she says it's not my fault but clearly it is. I want to go to the police but I don't know what happened. I want to report myself but I don't know. I know I am repulsive, and if this was someone else who had done this to her I would want to kill them.

I know what I need to do, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've never heard of a girl doing this to someone, only men. I'm just repulsed, I keep throwing up. I don't really know why I'm posting, I really don't.

You were a child, not an abuser x

Do you think you could talk to your mother about it?

I'm sorry your sister has had mental health issues stemming from it but it doesn't sound like you are an abuser.

I think you should speak to your mum
It's a delicate situation x

You have no memory of it so is it even true?
Can you speak to your mum and ask if she remembers your sister telling her this at the time, as she says she did.

You are not an abuser. If you did do what your sister has accused you of, it would have been as child exploring nothing more. My uncle (there was only 2 years between us) did something similar. Nothing sexual just pure curiosity. Go and see your gp about getting counselling and suggest that your sister does likewise. What does sue want to happen about these allegations?

I'm not able to speak to my mum, she would not like that. My sister has always said that her mental health issues are caused by my mother. I think the right thing to do is to report this, but I just don't know what happened.

My sister doesn't want anything to happen, she thought I knew and was upset that I was so upset myself when she told me, and that she wished she didn't tell me.

Please do not kill yourself; be kind to yourself. You were a child if this happened. I would talk to your mum to get the facts first before you condemn yourself.

If this is true, sometimes children do not understand what they are doing. You also sounds remorseful and shocked at the accusations.

Have name changed for obvious reasons.

I'm going through similar. My DD disclosed to school that her brother touched her repeatedly in primary school. Same ages as you described.

Police and social services are involved.

This happened about 6 years ago now and my son has very little recognition either.

He can't remember doing what she said but can remember some things.

They were both so small and I Dobt believe he was being malicious, just curious.

But my daughters MH is in the toilet.

It's the worst situation I could ever imagibe

I worry about my daughter everyday but I also worry about the guilt my son carries as he broke down and told me that it kills him to know it affected her so badly. At the time they thought it was funny.

It is normal. Not to invalidate your understandable feelings on hearing this distressing revelation, but I think you're reeling in shock and need some time, rather than doing anything right now.

You were nearly the same age and it's normal and natural for children that age to explore and play.

Your sister doesn't blame you and would feel even worse if you were to harm yourself in response to hearing about it. Give it some time then perhaps if you feel the need to act, call an organisation where experts can talk through your feelings with you, perhaps the nspcc. You were abused as a teenager and are probably conflating your feelings about that trauma with the incidents your sister's described. Someone to talk this through with is what you need right now.

What a tricky situation, I feel for both of you

Lots of children will have done similar as a natural part of curiousity/ exploration of their bodies. I can vaguely recall similar types of play amongst my peers at a similar age. Calling it abuse implies a power imbalance, someone being an abuser and someone being a victim.

If your sister doesn't feel she was harmed or exploited and you don't even remember it at all then please don't label yourselves, either of you.

I just don't know what to think. I don't even know what I did, or why I did it. I just feel awful, I am so close to my sister, and I was pretty much her parent through our teenage years, and all along she knew about this and I didn't. I feel so guilty.

This is so sad. As a pp after you said, abuse implies a power imbalance. And, I would imagine, a deliberate intent to exploit and/or harm. Is that how your DD really and truly sees the behaviour of your DS?

You can’t admit to something that you have no memory of.

I meant the above for @Hhhfs

I've spent all night trying to remember but I honestly can't. Of course I completely belive her it happened but maybe it wasn't me? Surely I would remember something like this? I am tying myself in knots trying to work out what happened.

You don’t have to believe her over yourself. Don’t be a doormat OP. I mean this in a nice way. State your truth firmly and don’t let her mess with your head.