Doing things twice

[Doubletasks]

I didn't put this in AIBU as I'm feeling upset and hormonal and can't face a battering but wanted to get a bit of perspective from outside my head

DH does a lot around the house. He'll tidy and clean and go over with the hoover. BUT laundry and washing up are a nightmare
He puts things "to soak" knowing full well I'll wash them or says "can you do these with your gloves on". Meaning my rubber gloves. I bought him his own. Doesn't use them. He doesn't always put things to soak though. So I'll find crusty cereal bowls in the morning (he eats in the night ) or last night's dinner bowl with dried food on it.
Laundry- he will overfill the machine so it doesn't wash properly and needs redoing. Ignores me and puts the liquid in the drawer which doesn't clean as well as when in the drum. He takes wet washing out and dumps it on the floor for me to put on the airer as I'm "fussy" (want to use whole space not kist the easy to reach top bars - it's a Lakeland dry soon huge thing and I practically have to climb inside it to load it ). This goes musty if I don't get to it right away
He then empties dry laundry into a huge pile on my dining table meaning it's creased and mixed up and then I have to sort it all and fold it or iron it.
I'd rather do it all myself but then might explode in a rage of "it's so unfair "

Like I say he does lots and is the driver behind sorting and tidying and decluttering but these acts feel like a deliberate attempt to annoy me or at best are disrespectful. Maybe I should ask him what I do to annoy him ? And await a list. I dunno. Just feels like we will never get tidy.
He'll be defensive or go on the attack at me if I raise it so for now I'm just cracking on while seething inside.
I feel sure sometimes that I'm meant to live alone - note- I am messy but laundry and washing up I can cope with (I suspect I have ADHD which is why I think I probably really annoy him too with my haphazard approach )

get a dishwasher , and tell him to leave the laundry for you.

Got a dishwasher! It's crap though so needs rinsing and scraping very well before loading and was already on a cycle last night. We need to get a handle on emptying it promptly so it's available more often ! If this dish had gone in fresh from eating it would be like wallpaper paste by now. It's so crap and doesn't wash well unless stuff is almost clean to start with. I may just ask him to leave laundry tbh. Would be easier

Clean the filter and spray arms on your dishwasher and if it’s still rubbish, get a new one. Decent modern ones (Bosch etc) and Fairy Platinum Plus tablets clean everything.

I can’t stand half done jobs so you have my empathy entirely. It would drive me nuts.

I have also put a lot of effort into training my husband that small windows of time (eg waiting for the kettle) are when you unstack dishwasher/sort recycling etc. We can more or less keep on top of the basics in short bursts.

It took a little while but he came around - it helps that he’s a decent guy and doesn’t want me to do all the work.

I’d just do my own laundry tbh and let him sort his own out

If he leaves bowls “to soak” then leave them too. Don’t touch them at all

I could have written this about DP. I'm afraid I haven't found a solution so following with interest!

Strategic incompetence designed to get you to do the tasks in question. Don’t.

This is a Bosch one. Its surprisingly bad despite regular cleaning and cycles on with a cleaning treatment. But thank you for the empathy

I realised a few years ago there are some things I will have to accept for a less stressful life. One of these is that I will do all of the laundry because my husband is absolutely rubbish at it and I get very annoyed. He overfills the machine, doesn't sort very well, doesn't use colour catcher sheets so things get ruined sometimes, then insists on hanging it all over the house, but not on the airer. Then it gets left all over the house for days, weeks. He even puts wet washing draped over soft furnishings. We have an airer, a washing line and a tumble dryer. I just don't understand it. If he does hang things out on the line it is as though he has just thrown things on, he doesn't shake things out, or space them enough, so things take ages to dry and are very very rumpled. Nothing ever gets folded or out away if he has done it.

So, I do it, it gets done properly and that is that. We have been together over 20 years. Some things I just accept as I know mine of us are perfect and no doubt I annoy him some times.

He's doing lots but it seems to be causing you more work not less.
I agree it sounds like sabotage.

He takes wet washing out and dumps it on the floor for me to put on the airer as I'm "fussy" (want to use whole space not kist the easy to reach top bars - it's a Lakeland dry soon huge thing and I practically have to climb inside it to load it ).

This sounds like you've gone rearranged the laundry after he's done the job or complained. TBH, if someone criticised how I'd done something and had a very specific way they wanted it done I'd leave them to it too. Assuming "my way" was perfectly functional.

The rest sounds frustrating though! "Strategic incompetence" probably covers it.

If he puts things on the airer he'll use m the easy access rails at chest height meaning the underneath (not easy to use and involve bending down and a bit fiddly ) can't be used and so drying takes an age and we get into musty smelling territory.
Strategic incompetence sounds right but I don't think there's any malice or necessarily conscious decision. I'll have to ask for a conversation I guess.

This would piss me off too as the purpose seems to be to annoy you into doing all the work and he's viewing being giving advice as a criticism. Even if you were a twat explaining it, ultimately these sound basic things and fussy is making unnecessary steps like ironing underpants.
We've all had to learn how to do household tasks and accept tips in the hope will reduce our effort rather than making the errors first.

If he wants to wear creased, smelly, dirty clothes that he could have saved the effort washing at all, then suggest he does own clothes laundry and he'll eventually figure out why the suggested method works and it maybe fun watching him try to avoid you being right.

I've a Lakeland heated airer and it does need to be loaded strategically just hanging over the bars like a standard airer only works for the thin, easy dry items. Jeans/hoodies need to be laid flat for maximum heat. The cover only helps speed things up.

@Doubletasks Is he also neurodiverse?

I have sympathy. My DH will clean up after dinner and put dishwasher on/tidy away but leave the table and kitchen sides unwiped. I've mentioned it loads of times and he always apologises and says he forgot again. It's like he doesn't see it. Drives me nuts as I can't stand things half done.

I wouldn’t let anyone loose on the washing. They wouldn’t have a clue and wouldn’t care less and it’d end up making more work for me. I’d rather be in charge of that.

Get a tumble dryer - you can't be confused about how to put that on and it avoids condensation which you'll get with poor hanging

He'll be defensive or go on the attack at me if I raise it

This is bad. What sort of attack? What do those look like?

Only do your own laundry. Empty the dishwasher as soon as its finished.

@Watchkeys attack is the wrong word - o mean in the sense that rather than defending his actions will then deflect and attack one of my flaws like whizzing about doing half of loads of jobs. I'm conscious of it though and trying to improve e.g by only putting more laundry on when the airer is empty and ready for more wet washing
My tumble drier shrinks anything other than pure cotton so bedding and towels go on but that's it.
I don't think he's ND but only been questioning myself over the last 6 months or so when i realised not many people think like me and the reason I have a meat house and poor planning might be something else

I don't think it was the wrong word. That was what I thought you meant, and it is bad. You can't reason with a person who jumps to their own defence. It's really frustrating. An it's a harbinger of doom in a relationship.

Have a look at this. Ask him to read it too.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/

The four horseman is an interesting read but funnily enough I read it was me being defensive. I need to look inward as well oil as our. Maybe we both do. A bit of give and take. Playing to our strengths not moaning at weaknesses.