How do I break this habit.

[TravellingWife]

In Lockdown I got into a habit of praying that I would die every night. Eventually as lockdown eased it stopped.
Over the last year my mind started repeating variations of wanting to die while I was trying to get to sleep. As time has gone on it has got worse and worse to the point that anytime I am not distracted by something my mind is reciting about wanting to die. This can happen when I'm at work, with my kids, on a night out to give a few examples.
At the moment I do have suicidal ideations which obviously doesn't help. I am on sertraline. My partner is not at all supportive so cannot speak to him about it.

If it helps Op during Lockdown I found I was fine in the day but once in bed my mind just went into overdrive, strange obsessive thoughts, things from years ago, my mind seemed to dig up everything negative. If your MH is fragile at the moment then it's easy to get stuck in a loop but it doesn't mean you really want to die, in a strange way it's become a way of coping, a familiar thing. It might help if you could replace the thought with something else, it can be anything positive, a happy memory. I hope you'll be feeling better very soon

I started doing exactly the same thing during lockdown too - had never done it before and I found it strangely calming, and like you say, like a habit.

Honestly I saw this joke meme a while ago that said "don't wish you were dead now. You'll die one day. Trust the process!" and it's stupid but that's what honestly broke my habit.

Just remind yourself that you've only got one life and it will end one day on its own, so may as well enjoy it, even if that just means watching TV you like and eating food you love