16 year old addicted to weed … I feel helpless

[Feelingnojoy]

My 16 year old son has started to smoke weed nearly every day. I’m so worried and feel powerless. He has just started at 6th form college but is already not attending lessons so I suspect he will be thrown off his course soon. I can’t track his movement's all the time and even when I think he has gone to college I suspect he has gone elsewhere. I try to engage him with things to do to try and break the cycle but he is not interested in doing anything or going anywhere . We are not giving him any money so I make all his food for college etc so I’m extremely worried where he is actually getting his money from for tobacco and weed. We are being really careful not to leave any money around. I’m having daily discussions about how worried I am but he doesn’t care. He is aggressive to everyone in the house and seems quite depressed. He refuses to do anything with the family. I’m reluctant to cancel his phone as he then won’t be contactable and I’m not sure how to handle this situation. Anyone been through similar who has managed to turn things around? I would try anything. Please don’t say stop him going out as I physically can’t stop him.

You need to find out the source of his money

Could he be involved in county lines?

Does he have find my friends or similiar on his phone?

Can you check his phone for people you don't recognise? You need to find the source of his income.

I wouldn't try to control him, it will only push him away. Trying to control his money won't help either- he likely doesn't need to buy anything as weed is a very social thing and friends share. Be a safe place for him to come and not be judged or lectured. When he realizes he needs help, hopefully he will ask you for it. He has to come to terms with it first. He likely has no idea what he's doing and wouldn't be able to verbalize it yet. He has to want help, you can't force it. It isn't great to use weed at a young age but it isn't necessarily going to hurt him long term either. When I was young I didn't know what to do with my life and nothing I tried seemed right, so for awhile all I did was smoke weed with my friends. I didn't have a drug problem and I was never addicted. I just needed guidance for my life and didn't have that.

Your son might be feeling a lot of pressure, hormones likely at play, of course the brain isn't fully developed until 25 and boys take longer to mature anyway, and who knows what else.

My advice is to relax first. You cannot control this. Talk to him and let him know you accept him completely no matter what and he can talk to you about his worries and issues. Maybe another family member would be better suited, someone he doesn't feel awkward talking to? Just be there for him and eventually everything will come to light and be sorted out.

Thanks for your messages. He refuses to have a tracker on his phone. Today he refuses to get up or help in the house. Just gets very abusive if we try and talk to him. Said he doesn’t need us for anything. I feel by just ignoring it I’m condoning his behaviour. I never thought it could get this bad.

There's clearly something going on

Anyone he WILL talk to?

Feelingnojoy I would focus on finding your connection with your son first.

junbean gives great advice, it's spot on. Im not going to repeat what was said but could do, its all right. I work with children like your son.

You are focusing on the weed and 'making' him stop. Fact is, he's got to want to stop for that to successfully happen. The way to get him to understand why you want him to stop, is him caring about your opinion. By being authoritarian and judgmental, it will further cement to him that your opinions are irrelevent and dont matter.

When you say smoking weed every day, is this socially with friends? If so, that's not a concern in terms of how he's paying for it. They'll likely be sharing. (Which incidentally cements their connection in a way that his connection with you might be lacking).

As a parent, I'd continue to condone it, but not be judgmental about weed smoking. Don't make it easy or encourage it, but equally I wouldn't be sanctioning or punishing for the weed smoking in itself. I'll caveat that with, I would place a hard rule on no weed in the house but not for (for example) smelling of weed when coming home. Its about choosing your battles. You won't be able to make him stop just because you want him to, but you can place rules and boundaries around where the line is.

Regarding phone tracking, personally that's important to me with my teens (I know others disagree). But by sixth form, it comes with negotiating. Since I know my older teens could refuse if they wanted, the negotiation is that I agree not to comment on, judge or tell them off about their location, as long as the location is on. If you've been using Life360 as a metaphorical stick to beat him with, no wonder he refuses to have it on.

Thanks @junbean and @Woush. Tonight I went to say goodnight to him and told him I only want him to be happy as he clearly isn’t. I asked him if he has a work for college.He screamed loads of swear words at me threw something at me. It’s clearly the weed making him like this. I’m so fearful of him and for him. He has refused to speak to me all day and not got dressed or left his room.

Because he's been in his room all day, does thst mean he hasn't smoked any weed today? Or us he smoking weed in there?

If he's smoking weed in your house, I'd be getting the police out. That's the level of hard no to it being in the house that I have.

If he's not smoked, then bring in his room all day is normal for the age. What's he doing? Scrolling on his phone or gaming is the usual.

Swearing at you and throwing stuff, that's unacceptable. It's interesting to me that you've made a direct link to doing that and weed. I'd just deal with that behaviour as it presents, rather than adding any sub-context. So what did you (and his Dad) do when he spoke to you disrespectfully and threw something?

What did he throw? And as it thrown to hurt you?

Have you spoken to college safeguarding about this @Feelingnojoy? I work in secondary school safeguarding (I'm a DSL).

I think you would benefit from sn Early Help referral. This could get you access to some teen parenting support. Plus him some extra drugs education and maybe even a community redirection package, to get him interested in something else. Plus college may be able to do some PSHE work with him, maybe a mentor.

Sounds like you hit a nerve! Have you ever used weed though? It makes you super chill and happy. It will give you the giggles. Some kinds make you sleepy. The only negative effects are on brain development in youngsters, and lung damage if you smoke. (Both of these are reversible so don't worry). It doesn't make you angry or verbally abusive. It sounds more like he's having emotional issues or has a beef with you? Something is definitely going on. Just be patient and keep up the unconditional love & understanding. Keep reaching out- it might take some time for him to trust you. And relax relax relax!! Take some time to pamper yourself so you are your best self when he's acting so awful. It is really really normal for teenagers to be like this. My 13yo was hiding some stuff she was doing online and turned into a hateful monster last year. I'd just had a baby so I thought it was my fault. I finally found out and we had a heart to heart and now she's back to normal. I didn't know who she was for a great while though! It's different with girls for sure- it's not comparable. I just wanted to show you're not alone at all- I'm pretty sure every parent can relate to you. I wouldn't focus on the weed aspect though, as of course it can be a terrible problem for some, most people use it for medicinal purposes. I would analyze the dynamics in the home, and ask him what he would like to be different. Maybe he's down on himself for not living up to some standard. Maybe he's having social issues. Sounds like he's angry about something. Anger is probably the main symptom of being a teenage male, so incredibly normal. ("I don't need you" sounds like "Stop treating me like a child" perhaps) IMO asking them directly is the easiest course. When I talk to my older teenagers (15 and 17) I focus my language on them. What do YOU want? What will make YOU happy? I try to keep myself and my opinions out of it, unless they ask. Their world is all about them, and their friends. It's developmentally correct. They aren't adults but they want us to pretend they are. So act like he's a mature person but be supportive as is age appropriate. If you show him you support his social life and his goals or desires in life he will trust you a lot more. Do some kind things that show that support. Act like you're okay with the weed even though it freaks you out. He's not going to turn into a junkie because you're not freaking out. Just keep it up until he thaws out! I'm sure it will take time.

My son is 16 as well,it's ok with people with people saying call the police,but they will not keep them forever and when they return home the house could get smashed up and you be physically attacked.
My son does not go to college,thinks work is for losers , and idolises road men.
Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do.
He stays awake at night and sleeps in, they have to want to change, violence can escalate very quickly if you are not careful.

Did you ever manage to help your son? How are things now? I’m going through this with my son.
The weed is one thing but the getting kicked out of college (in my son’s case). Laying around doing nothing making mess and then disappearing every evening to smoke. This is disrespectful and I really struggle to deal with this. The anger and talk to me like crap is unacceptable but I feel hopeless as to what to do. I’ve tried talking, I’ve arranged meetings with support on addiction but he won’t go. Please tell me there is hope because right now I want to pack his things and throw him out.

@Justamumofteenboys . Things got a lot worse for a while after I wrote this. In October we had to call the police when he became very aggressive and picked up a kitchen knife and although he didn’t directly threaten us he wouldn’t let us near him and was holding the knife in front of him and shouting at us. At the end of the year things improved slightly and although he was still smoking his mood swings were not so severe. He started to engage with a counsellor and at Christmas he told me he was going to stop smoking. In January this year my husband was diagnosed with cancer and this obviously has been the hardest year of our lives. My son started smoking weed again to cope and again and i found it so hard to juggle caring for my husband and trying to help my son. He still smokes but he is attending college regularly and will hopefully finish his A levels next year. I have promised him driving lessons if he stops smoking but at the moment he won’t. He has a girlfriend and is much calmer on the whole but I really believe that weed is an evil drug. I have at times over the last year wanted to throw my son out but it is truly not the answer. Has he got dad in his life?