Why do I do this bedtime ritual

[Maplepyes]

I’m quite embarrassed posting this but I’m looking for some insight in to why I might do this bedtime ritual.

Every night, right before I go to sleep, my mind tells me that I HAVE to say a certain form of words, perfectly, in an exact order. If I don’t do it, I can’t sleep and I worry that something terrible will happen and eventually end up doing it. I don’t need to say it out loud, I say it in my head. If my partner speaks to me to say goodnight when I am doing this, I need to start over again. I’ve done this every night for years.

I’m too embarrassed to say what the form of words is but it’s essentially asking the universe to make sure certain scenarios don’t happen ie me/family members die, a terrorist incident, being diagnosed with cancer etc.

I have no history of ill mental health but I’m wondering if this could be an indicator of something?

that kind of ritualistic behaviour, with the fear something bad will happen if it's skipped, sounds like it might be a form of OCD.

This is OCD. I used to have to touch the skirting boards until it felt normal or my family would die. Sometimes jr be up till like 3am, I was only 13. It's got a lot better but sometimes jl have to twizzle the door handle a few times- luckily I found it dosent matter if my husband does it for me so that's good 😂 but In All seriousness it is horrible

Sounds like ocd. I used to do something similar as a child.

I used to do exactly the same as well. It used to happen more of there was something g I felt was out of my control (parents divorcing and then exams).

Thanks, I did wonder if it’s OCD. I would say that’s the only ritual like thing I do. However, I will have fleeting thoughts throughout the day such as ‘I’ll send that work email… no I can’t be bothered… if I don’t do it now someone will die’.

Is there anything that can help with this? Or is it a case of speaking to my GP? Even then, what can be done to help?

treatment would be cognitive behavioural therapy and/or medication (SSRIs)

This sounds like OCD, I have OCD too. Ask your GP for a referral to the mental health team in your area, I've found it's something that's best to get a grip on as early as possible as then if it gets worse/escalates you are already seeing professionals rather than waiting on an appointment once its bad (if that makes sense). There are also lots of Instagram pages that really helped me at my worst! They made me feel like I wasn't alone in what I was experiencing.. knowledge is power :) edited to add, I'm currently on SSRI's and having CBT too, ERP is another useful form of therapy for ocd x

I guess I wonder - does it matter? If it's only this one thing, you can ask your GP if you like but it feels just like a small superstitious ritual.

Can you remember when it started?

Does it worry you, is it getting worse?

Thanks for your advice @CMRF I definitely will consider this.

@MidnightOnceMore thats the thing, I’m not sure how much it actually affects my life other than affecting my sleep if I don’t ‘comply’. I don’t want to do it forever and I fear that it may escalate and get worse.

I’m not sure if this is related but I do often have quite distressing thoughts such as if I’m driving and someone cuts me up, I’ll have graphic thoughts about what would have happened if we crashed, the potential injuries sustained and so on. Could that be related?

Just like praying really?

Once you done something for so long that you believe is protecting people is it worth stopping? I feel like you just won't sleep. And is that worth it?

It would probably help to talk to someone about when a self-soothing, comforting ritual like a nighttime 'prayer' crosses into the territory of intrusive thoughts, but I think it's a stretch for posters to be jumping to the extremely serious diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

As a pp has said, forms of CBT are very useful and there are online therapies available at no cost. It's brain (re)training, really. You teach yourself to deliberately replace one thought pattern with another. I'm learning about this through the NHS Persistent Pain Service.

I understand why you're worried.

Perhaps you should spend some time researching it, with a view to having a chat with the GP, about how to sort it through self-help?

If you can't sort it through self-help, then that would mean you required more help.

The intrusive mental images may be connected, yes. These are also not uncommon.

I agree with @AutumnCrow that jumping straight to OCD label is not helpful, because if you can move on from this easily by yourself, it can't be a serious problem.

Thanks @AutumnCrow and @MidnightOnceMore I certainly don’t want to jump to the OCD label and earlier when I said I wonder if it’s OCD I should have phrased it as I wonder if it’s an OCD behaviour perhaps? I’d hate to diminish the seriousness of those who have diagnosed OCD.

I will try the suggestion of replacing this thought pattern with another and take it from there

That's OCD - CBT can help. But basically you have to stop doing the behaviour, then you'll see that nothing bad happens, and it starts to unravel from there.