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Original poster

Nobody ever picks me

23 replies

Butwhynotmethough · 22/09/2023 21:41

Self pitying post incoming...

I'm 43. Been divorced 5 years, 1 DD. I've tried online dating, I changed jobs and moved house last year to shake things up a bit. I joined a fitness class. But no matter what I do, nobody ever picks me.

DD is off to her dad's this weekend, and I have nothing to do. All my friends are in couples and wrapped up in their own lives. Nobody ever chooses to get in touch amd suggest to do something. If I'm the one to reach out to anyone it seems to have to be planned weeks in advance, and they want their weekends to be family time. So do I, but I got the short straw with a crappy exDH that cheated so I'm alone. .

I've just been reading the "what are you doing tonight" thread and I hate how upset it makes me reading about everyone's lovely plans when I won't speak to another person all weekend other than shop staff etc. I'm genuinely nice, bubbly, optimistic in real life, but its just grinding me down and I don't know how to change it. Someone tell me they've been here and it all just magically worked out...

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 22/09/2023 21:47

If you’re weekends are free op, I’d try a club or a class. You could go regularly and get to to know ppl.

I’ve just joined a local group/class where everyone gets on and goes for a drink afterwards. Plus I’m enjoying learning a new thing. I would highly recommend.

Original poster
Butwhynotmethough · 22/09/2023 21:51

Should have said, I have every other weekend free only, rest of the time I'm home with DD, and funds are a bit tight...

Can I ask what club you joined? I don't even know where to start! I joined a choir a couple of years ago but everyone was about 20 years older than me and nobody even spoke to me in the break 😂🙈

OP posts:
DomesticElf · 22/09/2023 21:51

Hey lovely, I've been there before I met my DH. It didn't help that social interaction was a learned skill for me, but it doesn't sound like it's a problem for you. I found that trying to do things for just me helped. Plan something this weekend for just yourself to do, with no expectations of making any friends. I found that when I shifted the focus to just pleasing and entertaining myself, that's when I started to meet new people who then became my friends, and one of them - DH.

defi · 22/09/2023 21:54

I really enjoy my child free weekends op. I get out on hikes or swimming with friends weather depending. Recently took up roller blading and made friends. Local walks, visit my local library. Sit in a cafe and read ect.hopefully if you take something up your social circle will grow.

DomesticElf · 22/09/2023 21:54

I don't think I am expressing myself correctly, I mean go and make plans to do things you enjoy doing or want to try, not with the goal of 'finding new friends', but of course be open to interaction 😬 you will find your tribe.

MaraScottie · 22/09/2023 21:55

Do you like sports? A walking club? Badminton club? Tennis? Hiking? Something to get you out and about with a group is a great way to get involved. Volunteering either if you're not outdoorsy? It must be really hard for you OP but get stuck into something you enjoy with a group and the friends will come.

Nameandgamechange123 · 22/09/2023 22:07

Definitely have had this in my early 30s and couldn't imagine things ever getting better. But they did! I don't really know how I've managed to turn things around but I think sometimes there are difficult phases that you do through as a single parent and perhaps this is one of them. Good luck op things will get better x

frozendaisy · 22/09/2023 22:12

Why don't you buy a paper tomorrow and take it to your local, buy a drink it doesn't have to be alcoholic, read paper see who's around. Do it every other weekend you just don't know who you will end up talking to.

It might take time

I am part of a creative group I am by far the youngest there it's brilliant. They boss me around I do lifts, I set up put down, it's hilarious, but we socially gather, they have stories, invites.

If you stay in you won't meet anyone.

Strawberrypicnic · 22/09/2023 22:13

Are you in a position to get a dog? That's a brill way to meet people.

Original poster
Butwhynotmethough · 22/09/2023 22:19

Thanks everyone. I really wouldn't say I'm a boring person, but I don't really have any big interests. I enjoy live sport but don't play any... I may go along to my local teams football match tomorrow on my own, I just don't want to feel like a dick standing there alone when theyre expecting a big crowd. Or maybe I'll try the pub with a book and see if anyone chats. I at least know one of the bar staff. It's so bloody difficult isn't it. Sometimes it just gets me down, most of the time I potter about on my own and it doesn't bother me but loneliness is a real bastard.

OP posts:
ActDottie · 22/09/2023 22:27

In your shoes I’d book a spa day - my ideal thing to do when alone. Obviously can’t be a regular thing cuz they can be pricey but 3 times a year or so I try to have a day like that.

Try find a club, my yoga class is quite social and also my gym group. On Saturdays after Boot camp they all go for a coffee. Tbh I think most sports clubs like to have a coffee after. My husbands sport group do and my dads running group do.

Lovesacake · 22/09/2023 22:28

I second the idea of a dog, dog walkers often include very chatty and sociable people. And local political/ campaign groups are a good way to meet interesting people.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 22/09/2023 22:31

@@Butwhynotmethough how about your local parkrun? I’ve never been to an unfriendly one. Doesn’t matter if you’re not a speedy runner - you can run jog walk. It’s a really lovely community 😊

easilydistracted1 · 22/09/2023 22:43

I had a period like this in my life when I was single for a while for the first time and working through sone grief and loss. People are often busy with longstanding friends from childhood or uni. And life is exhausting sometimes. More as you get older.

I went on meetup.com and just searched on events in my area and started booking onto random events. This rather randomly ended up with me getting involved in improv comedy for a while. I also met one of my best friends on bumble bff (friendship section of bumble app). Like Internet dating there were conversations that didn't go anywhere and people I didn't click with or who thought I was a bit much. Then there were people who really got me.

To begin with I was just going through the motions and felt lonely and uncomfortable but eventually I started feeling better.

Some of those friendships have become longstanding. When I really stopped caring about relationships (and stopped dating men 🤣) I was much happier. Then I met my wife and after rather a roller coaster life is good.

It's a terrible cliche but the more you start enjoying your own company the more you draw in other people.

I'm sure it will work out for you. My wife made a similar support network through getting involved in the scouting world

anon12345anon · 22/09/2023 22:49

easilydistracted1 · 22/09/2023 22:43

I had a period like this in my life when I was single for a while for the first time and working through sone grief and loss. People are often busy with longstanding friends from childhood or uni. And life is exhausting sometimes. More as you get older.

I went on meetup.com and just searched on events in my area and started booking onto random events. This rather randomly ended up with me getting involved in improv comedy for a while. I also met one of my best friends on bumble bff (friendship section of bumble app). Like Internet dating there were conversations that didn't go anywhere and people I didn't click with or who thought I was a bit much. Then there were people who really got me.

To begin with I was just going through the motions and felt lonely and uncomfortable but eventually I started feeling better.

Some of those friendships have become longstanding. When I really stopped caring about relationships (and stopped dating men 🤣) I was much happier. Then I met my wife and after rather a roller coaster life is good.

It's a terrible cliche but the more you start enjoying your own company the more you draw in other people.

I'm sure it will work out for you. My wife made a similar support network through getting involved in the scouting world

Really lovely comment .... 100% agree to all that Smile

And I'd definitely second trying the meetup app x

sillyuniforms · 22/09/2023 23:42

Butwhynotmethough · 22/09/2023 22:19

Thanks everyone. I really wouldn't say I'm a boring person, but I don't really have any big interests. I enjoy live sport but don't play any... I may go along to my local teams football match tomorrow on my own, I just don't want to feel like a dick standing there alone when theyre expecting a big crowd. Or maybe I'll try the pub with a book and see if anyone chats. I at least know one of the bar staff. It's so bloody difficult isn't it. Sometimes it just gets me down, most of the time I potter about on my own and it doesn't bother me but loneliness is a real bastard.

Join the club supporters club. Most have them. Always welcome others

sillyuniforms · 22/09/2023 23:45

I'd also say volunteering for something you enjoy can open up new worlds. Meet up stuff too.

S910441 · 22/09/2023 23:48

Yep, I hear you. I just went to bed this afternoon as I didn't have anything better to do. No plans to see anyone at all this weekend. It sucks.

HolidayBurden · 22/09/2023 23:51

Get a job in the pub @Butwhynotmethough. Hospitality is very sociable if you've got a good local, and you said funds were tight.

spookehtooth · 23/09/2023 00:07

The hardest part I'm seeing there is that you say funds are tight. I split up with my ex and was pretty much entirely alone as I'd moved cities to be with her and family and her wider family was basically 99% of my life. So, I literally built up a network from scratch but, and it's a big but, I'm very comfortable financially. I used social groups like meetup and others to go out and do whatever it took. It would've been much harder on less money. I think you need to do the same, but you'll have to work harder to find enough things within your budget. I put relationships bottom of my priorities, I looked a bit but my main interest was being happy with my life and friendship network locally. I felt it's absence was bad for the relationship I'd ended, so building it had to come first.

The number of opportunities varies widely too! I'm in Norwich & some people come from the wider county due to lack of options closer. A friend of mine living on the coast has just started a group closer to home to improve things where she lives

Consider looking for options to start your own group to do activities you like, affordable for you, that nobody else is doing. Or speak to organisers of an existing one about arranging those kinds of events or activities. I do that for groups I'm part of.

It's not necessarily easy or quick, I can only suggest to keep plugging away at it to work on expanding your options and number of people you know. I wish you the best of luck

Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/09/2023 00:13

Its a balance between trying things for long enough that you really get to know people and trying lots of different things to try and find people you gel with. Its hard and this is a tough age - earlier and later in life people are more amenable to being met. Try stuff through the library. Or volunteering? It sucks, but it really is a numbers game - the more people you meet, the more likely you are to hit it off with people.

Colinorpercy · 23/09/2023 00:19

I’d maybe try a hobby where talking to each other is part of the activity like a book group, walking group or something like that. I have a fitness class that i absolutely love but sometimes it’s hard to chat and make friends as people are there to do the class then go home so it’s hard to actually get to know people.

Nellieellefant · 23/09/2023 00:26

Look up the Frolo app for single parents. There will be meet ups and hopefully people to connect with in your local area.

I know how you feel completely.

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