Someone I didn’t know has died

[Hippopotaperson]

I’m off work with covid and I feel so ill and depressed.

Years ago, when I was pregnant, I was so, so ill. No one took me seriously apart from one medical person who I saw regularly for more scans than normal. She was like light. She was amazing. DH and I both thought so and in one amazing moment looked at each other and said her name. That’s our child’s name. We named our child after her.

It turned out I WAS seriously ill so ended up with a lot of hospital appointments when my child was little. At one we were both in the scanning department and I popped in to show the medic her namesake and she cuddled my baby.

over the years I’ve thought of getting in touch via Linkeden but it always felt a bit odd so I didn’t.

Something exciting has happened in DC live related in a spurious way to one of the scans she took. I Googled her to think I’ll do it this time, I will contact her.

she died earlier this year. She died of the same disease that made me ill and no one believed I had, apart from her, she told me to go back and back and get seen. She obviously leaves lots of loved ones but she leaves a child. A child like mine.

I feel somehow responsible.

I think feeling responsible is really odd and making it about you. It's perfectly normal to feel sad that she's died though, she was obviously instrumental in your health and that of your baby.

Was it a long term condition? Because she might have noticed the symptoms in you because she had it herself.
You’ve taken it personally because she touched your life in a long term way through your child.
You have nothing to feel responsible for regarding her death though. Why do you feel responsible?

I'm sorry that she died. She was obviously very important to you in that period of time. Can I ask why do you feel responsible?

It's ok to feel sad, but your not responsible

Perhaps this is something akin to 'survivor guilt'?
Obviously it's not in any way your fault, but it's understandable that losing this lovely person upsets you - even though you didn't really know each other well she very much mattered to you.

It’s not ‘makong it about you’ to feel as you feel - you have complicated emotions and it’s no wonder. Sorry to hear this, it’s very sad.

Why responsible op? That's a weird choice of word.

Responsible? Because I survived ( so far) and I really shouldn’t have done. My DC has a mother and hers doesn’t. Because, who knows…

It is unlikely she had the illness when I had it but it’s possible. I never thought of that. I hope that wasn’t the case.

Yeah, it’s about me and I’m a shit person. I posted on an anonymous forum as I don’t want to tell DH. He doesn’t need to know right now and because how can I tell anyone else? It’s just weird . But I needed to tell someone that she was amazing and important and she was light.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you have had this shock when you are already feeling unwell.

I understand why you worry if you are responsible. We are human and designed to look for patterns and make sense of a chaotic world. I did a sponsored run once for a charity linked to a disease and when a loved one was later diagnosed with that disease I felt like I had let it in/tempted fate by getting involved. It doesn't make sense but it's a feeling. You need to tell yourself that nothing you have done could have made any difference. You weren't responsible.

It's lovely that you named your child in tribute to this lady. Perhaps if she has a Facebook "in memorial" page or contact information it would be nice to send a brief card/message telling her next of kin that she helped you and always held a special place in your heart - so much so you named your child in tribute to her. I'm sure it would be lovely for them to hear.

It's OK to grieve for this lady. Be grateful then try to let it go. She dedicated her life to helping people to be healthy/have a healthy baby and your best tribute to her would be to enjoy your life and family x

I have just read your further message OP,

I understand but remember your survival/recovery didn't impact her chances in anyway. It was possible you could have both recovered or both succumbed it wasn't either /or.

Grieve for her but don't feel responsible. X

It's probably the shock making you feel as you do. Finding out news like this suddenly takes time to sink in. You are certainly not responsible for this poor lady's death.
It's possible she had this condition for some time so please stop beating yourself up about it.
It's not your fault

I can understand why you feel responsible. (Obviously you're not responsible, but I understand the feeling.)

I think you kind of see yourself as a mirror image of her, or a version of her - I'm explaining this very badly, but what I mean is that you see important parallels between your life and hers. The illness, the danger, the child. The name is an additional link.

She saved you, but you didn't save her. I think that's why you feel like this.

The fact is that you literally couldn't have saved her, and in fact if anything you may have "helped" her without knowing it. She may have had more knowledge of her own illness because of yours, and been quicker to recognise the signs of it because she'd encountered symptoms of it before. So meeting you may have given her a better chance of survival, even though it didn't work out.

I think you're feeling 'survivor guilt', OP: it's a common phenomenon and if you feel it would help, you could read up on it, but you're not responsible.

You're not a 'shit person', OP, for reacting to this tragic news like this. Rather the opposite!