How can I help DS?

[AnimalMineralVegetable]

Posting here for traffic.

My DS17 is a wonderful son. He works hard with his A level studies, helps out at home without any fuss, etc, etc. However, I'm concerned he's not seeing enough of his friends outside of school. I'm also worried he may not have any good or close friends, more acquaintances.

When we talk, he sometimes mentions the friends he speaks to during the school day. His head of year has tells me he never has lunch on his own, he always is part of a group, chatting away. So why is this not translating to him having a social life outside of school?

He started a new school for his A Levels last Sept (ie for Y12), and I assumed a social life would gradually emerge. When asked, he says he is happy at the school (and he seems happy to go in), but during times like the school holidays it is clear he could really do with friends to meet. No sign of a GF. His friends from his old school live in the same area and he'll see them occasionally during the hols but hardly ever. Never anyone from his new school. He is in touch with some of the old crowd on the socials, but none of the new. Same with xbox. In fact I'm so glad he's got his xbox as this is his most regular way of socialising.

DS seems to compensate for all this by throwing himself into his studies. He has been predicted high grades for his A levels which gives him enormous satisfaction. I'm so proud of him. However, friendships are important.

His younger sister DD14 started the same school last academic year too, and has made friends she regularly speaks to on the socials and she meets up with during holidays fairly regularly. She has kept up with her old friends too (a few girls). I do feel sorry for DS watching the ease with which his social butterfly of a sister does this.

Is it possible for me to tactfully guide and advise DS at the age of 17 with friendships? He is aiming for uni next year and I want him to know how to mix with others so he is happy once he gets there, and also for life beyond uni. It's a skill for life he needs to develop, and I see this year as my final year to be able to help him directly.

Any advice please???

My DD is the same age and does not see anyone out of college. She’s happy there and has people she meets there. I think they tend to talk via text these days, rather than meet up.
Perhaps he will just meet his people at uni, rather than sixth form.

My DS is younger, but the same. He’s perfectly happy.

Your DS sounds like a lovely lad. It’s probably not helpful comparing him to his sister in this regard.

if he is happy as he is, I would leave things be.

The thing is, I'm not sure he is 100% happy.

In fact, occasionally I can see he feels left out when he hears of a social gathering (involving who he'd have considered good friends) which happened without him.

He puts on brave face, but I'd like to help him if I can while I can.

How do I do this?

You do nothing. You can't manage or influence his relationships with his peers for goodness sake! Please don't let him see you're concerned as that will only make him feel bad about himself.

You can encourage him towards places to make friends, and they don't have to be school based.

You help by being a really solid, loving presence in his life. He has to navigate this on his own, but it's much easier doing that from a supportive home. You know how great he is, so make sure he hears that.

What kind of social life and friendships are you (and his father, if he has one in his life) modelling for him?

I'm hoping this will happen at uni, but am worried about leaving it completely to chance. I know I can now have v little input, but I don't want to just leave him to it if he hasn't got the confidence.

He's a great lad. He's intelligent, caring and has his his head screwed on amazingly well for a 17 year old. He deserves a good group of mates who care about him.

Yeah, I've reflected on your response, and I think I've always tried doing this from when he started school. He's never been keen to get immersed in anything in particular. He used to get quite agitated about being 'made' to leave his PS4 to go to one of his chosen hobbies. Maybe that's part of the problem.

He used to do another hobby (his choice) regularly at county level until he started his A Levels last September. I suggested he returned but he said he didn't want to, even though he had good friends there. He said he liked the friends, but not enough to continue with his hobby.

His happy place is being in his bed, on his phone. I feel like he's letting life, and friendships, pass him by.

Thanks. We will make the effort turn this up more regularly.
I've got a feeling he may need to do the friendship thing at his own pace, on his own terms. I just want him to be happy, and to know he's got the tools to connect with others.

I know where you’re coming from. My son’s a year younger and a bit like this. I have to remind myself that they missed a lot of natural socialising opportunities during Covid. My son is also introverted. And, when I was his age, if I wanted to talk to my friends, I had to get off the phone (or my Dad would go on about the phone bill) and actually go and see them. He doesn’t need to do that - he’s got them on text or Discord or whatever. They even do homework/ revision together in a group on screens. I find it weird but it’s his normal.
Like yours, my boy is doing well academically and plays instruments and goes running too. He’s just joined sixth form and volunteered to help at Run Club. I’m hoping some of this extra curricular stuff will result in mixing and going out with more people. He does have a best friend and though they don’t see each other much in the holidays, when they do they chat away happily. I think I just compare to my adolescence and it was a lot different, I was definitely out a lot more.
I think gentle hints and nudges are all you can do really.

Interesting question, thanks.

When we have people round DS will tend to make himself scarce. He usually won't put himself out for others who are not of his choosing. It really depends on the situation though, and the people.

He tends to like to have a clear 'function' to carry out or a thing to do in a social situation. Then, he seems most comfortable. If he's just got to 'mingle' he dislikes this.

I'll be giving more thought to your question over the weekend.

I hope I've not left it too late to help him.

Please don't do anything. My mum did and knocked my confidence to smithereens

Your DS sounds wonderful!

The gentle nudges approach with my DS seems to be accepted happily enough, but practically never acted on. I'm hoping softly planting the seed from time to time will eventually get the message home to him.

There was a boy he used to regularly have a kickabout with who lives round the corner from us. They got on brilliantly up until about a year before the pandemic. Sadly, they both stopped calling for each other. DS said he'd be happy to meet if the boy called for him. I knew from the other boy's mum that he was saying the same to her. Between us we couldn't convince them to take the first step, so that friendship just fizzled out.

I just asked because I think, especially for teenagers who don’t leave the house much, what they see around them in terms of how the other people in their families relate to friends/social life/life outside the home in general, can be key.

I grew up with extremely shy, socially-awkward parents who really didn’t have friends at all, and they taught me some very odd scripts about friendship, even as my mother was visibly always terribly anxious about my lack of friends during my school days (with no understanding that what she was modelling had an impact). It took a lot of work to unpick those childhood scripts, but I did, in early adulthood, and have strong adult friendships despite moving around a lot internationally.

I see so many people on Mn confusing misanthropy with introversion and almost priding themselves on never leaving the house if not strictly necessary, never having anyone else in the house, doing the school run eyes on the ground because of ‘cliques’, saying ‘friends are too much drama’, and they ‘don’t need anything outside my own little family’.

That’s going to produce children with some seriously skewed ideas about friendship, and deficient in the basic skills needed to make and maintain friends.

Not saying any of that applies to you, obviously, @AnimalMineralVegetable .

What ideally would you have liked to have happened? To figure it out for yourself?

There's no way, by the way, I'd muscle in and take charge of his social life!!! Horrendous 🤣 But, I'm wondering if there are any subtle ways I could gently nudge him in the right direction.