Page 2 | What to do when the best of life is over

AfterMum · 2023-09-19T10:40:17+00:00

Posted in bereavement but little traffic there and I'm desperate. It was mum's funeral last week. I feel worse as each day goes by. I get up, eat a small breakfast and then go back to bed until the afternoon. I just get through the day until I can take a sleeping pill and go back to bed. I have no motivation. I just feel so desperately sad. The best of life is over for me. I can't see a way forward. My GP just gives me pills and says time will help. I won't get through time.

Incognito991 · 19/09/2023 20:38

Couldn't read and run, I feel exactly the same if I'm honest.

My Dad passed away very suddenly last year - I was 28. I know I feel lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did, but I still feel So so young to have lost him. All my colleagues in work are way older, and still have both parents. I sway back and forth from sadness, anger, jealousy, and life will never be the same!

There's some great advice here and I will be sticking around to read x

Original poster

AfterMum · 20/09/2023 10:53

Thank everyone for all your replies 🙏. I know Mum wouldn't want me to give up. I feel so alone. I have no friends anymore. I work from home for myself mostly. One DS and OH A sister as well. But that's it. My life is so small

OP posts:

Costalife · 20/09/2023 11:01

So sorry for your loss op
You will get through this ❤️
My dad died last October in his 60s and me in my late 20s
I miss him every day but it has got easier and his memory does make me smile

Costalife · 20/09/2023 11:03

My Dad passed away very suddenly last year - I was 28. I know I feel lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did, but I still feel So so young to have lost him. All my colleagues in work are way older, and still have both parents. I sway back and forth from sadness, anger, jealousy, and life will never be the same!

Totally understand this . I was 28 when dad died to and felt relatively young to of lost him but so grateful he was my dad :)

caringcarer · 20/09/2023 11:28

Grief is the payment of pain we pay for loving so deeply. Your Mum has died but she will always be with you. You will remember the things she said and did and her smile always. In the beginning it seems unbearable to get through each day. I know that feeling well. After a week you get in the shower. After 2 weeks it is still hard but you just force yourself to go outside and sit in the garden for half an hour. You just do little things. Remember your Mum would want you to live your life. There are more wonderful things ahead of you in life. After my Mum died I couldn't see good things ahead but then my DD got pregnant and then I got a DGS. Life moves on. Over time you will be able to remember your Mum fondly and I don't know how but the difficult bad bits just before she died I don't really remember but I do remember Mum before her illness everyday.

Original poster

AfterMum · 20/09/2023 17:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Beautifully written. Thank you.

I'm massively struggling today. DS is at his girlfriend's. Just me and OH and he's not really much of a talker (well neither am I). The rain is falling and the wind is howling. I've got Mum's ashes next to me. I've never felt so hopeless.

OP posts:

Squirrelsnut · 20/09/2023 17:08

I lost my mum 2 weeks ago after a long and horrible illness, and my initial reaction was relief.
Now I'm off work, staring into space or curled up in bed. I know at a conscious level I'll get through it, but currently it just feels surreal.
Hugs OP.

Gillstuck · 20/09/2023 17:15

Try and go for a little walk or just step outside and breathe in the fresh air. Deeply. If you move a little, it will help. Feel the sun, rain and wind on your face. Do it for your Mum. Feel it for her. She would want you to live.

SOBplus · 20/09/2023 17:19

Time, but also action. Try just going for a walk for an hour in nature - it really does help. Pick something you enjoyed doing with Mum and go do it - shopping, tea, museum. I go somewhere where others are having fun and the mood rubs off a bit, enough to make things bearable another day.

toadasoda · 20/09/2023 17:23

I remember you from a few weeks ago OP. I have been there. Allowing yourself to rest is important, that's one thing I regret when I lost my Mum in my 20s. I was back to a really stressful job within a few days and hadn't accounted for the exhaustion of grief.

I'm sorry too for others who posted above who are recently bereaved. So so hard.

You will feel better OP, try not to analyse your life too much and don't make any huge decisions, just take it day by day..try to be in nature, it helps.

Growlybear83 · 20/09/2023 17:38

I'm really sorry OP. I lost my Mum in July last year and once the initial shock had worn off I expected to gradually start feeling better, but this wasn't the case. I felt progressively worse, and one of my saddest days was the day her house was sold and I realised I would never go there again. I found that the first anniversaries of everything very truly awful - Christmas, birthday, the date my Mum was admitted to hospital, the day of her stroke, and of course the day of her death. But once the first year was over, I did start to feel a bit better. Until a couple of weeks ago, I don't remember a day when I didn't cry, and I've found it hard to talk about her last few months to most people, but the tears aren't quite so constant now and I'm finding that I can think of things that have happened and look at photos of her without crying. I'm like you, with a very small family, and a relatively small circle of friends, and they've all got quite serious challenges in their lives so I haven't felt that I can unburden too much on anyone else. But it really really does eventually get better, and you will feel that your life is worth living again, and you've got a future ahead of you.

Octopus45 · 20/09/2023 18:43

@Costalife and @Incognito991 I'm so sorry that you lost a parent in your late 20s, I lost my Mum at 27 and it felt very lonely cause all my friends had two parents. Sending hugs.

Incognito991 · 20/09/2023 18:50

@Octopus45

Thank You for your kind words , I do feel very lonely! Not that I wish my pain on anyone else of course but someone to talk to in real life would be nice!

And of course help the jealousy when everyone is carrying on as normal and I have a massive gaping hole in my life x

Incognito991 · 20/09/2023 19:04

Op, what I did find useful was doing "new things". I read online that it's distracting so I enrolled my son onto swimming, karate (that didn't last) and also joined the gym myself. I find doing some things of my "old life" hard, and luckily with my son just starting school have been meeting lots of "new" people.

You may find something different works for you, as previous posters have suggested walking does really help, getting out, but also you may prefer to do old familiar things or you may prefer to do new things. I think you just have to work out what small things may bring you a little bit of joy each day , and each day build on that xx

Original poster

AfterMum · 23/09/2023 18:22

Squirrelsnut · 20/09/2023 17:08

I lost my mum 2 weeks ago after a long and horrible illness, and my initial reaction was relief.
Now I'm off work, staring into space or curled up in bed. I know at a conscious level I'll get through it, but currently it just feels surreal.
Hugs OP.

How are you doing?

I did some gardening today. Mum always loved gardening.

OP posts:

Squirrelsnut · 23/09/2023 20:26

Thanks @AfterMum .
I went to work today for a few hours and it helped to be busy. Spoke to my brother this evening, we both feel in limbo. I've developed a stomach problem and can't eat much, my clever friend was telling me about the gut-brain axis and how it's probably emotional not physical.

I hope you're feeling a little less dark today. Wasn't it beautiful? It's the equinox.