Pointless lie by OH

[Changeling78]

A bizarre one. I was awake by pain on and off through the night, eventually I gave in and got up. I heard my OH wake (bedroom above living room), get up, have a shower, get dressed and come down. He bypassed the living room and went straight to the kitchen. He then came into the living room exclaiming “oh you’re up, I didn’t know”. I replied that he’d have known as he had been walking around the bedroom. He said it was dark so he couldn’t tell. Fair enough.
when I went upstairs, the bedroom light was on.
He says that he must have switched it on, on his way out of the bedroom. But seeing as he has often been up before me and has never done this before, and I already could tell by the way he was moving around the bedroom ( new build, creaky floors, he’s normally a lot quieter and quicker) that he knew I was up. Plus he’d have heard the tv as he walked past the living room.
I just don’t know why he would lie. Maybe he didn’t want to ask if I was ok. He does struggle with showing concern so maybe him pretending he didn’t know I was up was a reason not to ask how I was. I know this sounds bonkers, and you’ll say that he’s probably telling the truth but I know that he isn’t, I just don’t know why.

On the face of it this seems a pretty minor thing to be worrying about. Is it part of a bigger picture OP? I feel like there's probably some backstory. It's difficult to judge with the information you've given. Was he getting ready for work and wanted a shower first? I know you were in pain, but did you need him? I'm trying to work out if he was avoiding you or just getting himself ready.

I could easily not know if DH was in bed or not when I woke up. I'm like a zombie when I wake up and for about half an hour until I get some coffee in me and my brain wakes up. It's all just autopilot.
Alarm goes off
I roll out of bed
I stumble to the bathroom
.....

None of it actually registers as thoughts.

I had a lot of attention last year (big accident, nearly died) but I’ve been ok for 6 months, no pain (sporadic flare ups) and I think he is just fed up of people asking him how I am. So I think when he saw I was up, he knew that I’d been bad and didn’t want to ask. He didn’t ask btw.
I know I probably sound unhinged, but I can tell he’s lying and that’s the only thing I can think of why. He does like to be the centre of attention so maybe he is fed up of me hogging it (not through choice I assure you).

If he's like me, he's half asleep in the morning and not really taking things in properly. This is very easily something I could do - I would half register you not being there so turn on the light/be a bit noisier, but then when you appeared downstairs I'd still be surprised as that other half of my brain still expected the normal morning routine that you were in bed.

Even if he said "oh are you up?" actually knowing you were up, it seems like a very odd thing to get fixated about. And surely the answer to "oh you're up" is to explain that you got up because you were in pain, not wait for your OH to express concern?

He could be lying, he could have just been on autopilot and it didn't register until he saw you.

Really you need to have a proper conversation with him if you think he finds dealing with your pain awkward. Compassion fatigue is a real thing so I wouldn't start from a position of accusing him of lying about this particular incident.

I think you've got the measure of him @Changeling78 .
How are you feeling now ? Ive lived with chronic pain for a while and I know how it can be, especially when it disrupts your sleep 💐

It does seem likely that he was being deliberately obtuse.

The alternative is that he thought you were asleep so turned the light on on the way out of the bedroom? Charming!

Honestly op I read your story and it took me back to being with my ex. He used to lie about ridiculous things like this, but also much bigger things such as debt, gambling etc. He'd lie about interactions with people, what time he'd got home, everything. And he had no reason to so I was baffled half the time. Unfortunately I just couldn't deal with the compulsive lying any longer as I never knew what to believe so I kicked him out. Not saying this applies to your partner, just saying that I understand the feeling of knowing you're being lied to about something small and wondering wtf???

I think your instincts are right.

He was either half asleep and didn't notice or it was just a weird way of making conversation "Oh you're up!" when yes he did actually know but couldn't be bothered to get in to a long conversation about it e.g. "Oh I noticed you got up really early. Is everything OK? What happened?".
Either way, I couldn't get worked up about it unless he's always telling pointless lies.

Thanks. Luckily my flare ups are really few and far between. It just seemed like a pointless silly lie and he’s saying that I should believe him but to do that is going against what I actually believe. I really think he didn’t want/couldn’t be bothered to ask why I’d been up. He’s texting and being overly chatty now. I know, and he knows I know.

I sometimes say things ‘contradictory to my prior knowledge’ like this, absentmindedly ‘oh you’re up’ could mean;
‘why are you up early’
‘in a sleepy daze I didn’t notice you’d got up’ ‘I see you’re up’
‘morning’ etc-
i have no idea why I do it, it’s generally when I’m brain busy and nuances of meaning get confused.

I either; correct myself and laugh, ignore it and hope it wasn’t picked up (with lesser known people), or my OH clarifies with me what I’ve said and meant.

My first thought therefore is, he’s had a brain fart - he’s maybe half asleep, has one eye on his day ahead and one on getting ready.
But to you, as your pain is all encompassing, you’re coming at it through that lense where you centre your pain (which perhaps he’s not even registered today).

i’d be gutted if anyone thought I was being obtuse or lying. My OH wouldn’t, as he knows me and gives me the benefit of the doubt based upon that.

The fact that you feel this is an emotionally and supportive avoidant tactic, is what the issue is. This suggests that he either is avoidant, or you perceive him to be.

A conversation to clarify and ask for what you need from him is the only solution.

My dh would get up ...shower get dressed and not notice l'm up. He is extremely out of it in the morning and also very slow to make connections about things. So when he came into the living room..saying..oh your up would not be strange from him. It would never occur to me he was lying but just moving around in his own world. His lack of observation generally does drive me mad at times but it's more of a personality thing than badness. If he was younger he would possibly be diagnosed with ADD but it wasn't being done in his day.
He very often states the obvious just like that but l have grown accustomed to it.

So why don't you sit down later and have a proper chat about what's going on? It will be much better for your relationship than having a go at each other and dancing around the issue with "he knows I know" etc.