Starting life again- childless at 40.

[sweaterweatherplease]

I've spent the last 18 years in a bumbling relationship, not awful but not good either, which I've recently ended. It's a bit of a trend of me not taking care of myself- accepting poor treatment and not thinking I deserved any better, burying my head in the sand basically.

Now I'm starting over and beginning to think about the rest of my life. I always wanted to have a family, but my ex didn't, and I have health issues which would have made conceiving very hard anyway. I've got six nieces and nephews whom I adore, but obviously not the same as having my own.

Is there any scope for me to have a family/ child? Would I even be considered for adoption as a single woman over 40? Is there any other option? Or am I being ridiculous and should just accept that I fucked up and missed my chance?

Fostering?

Yes you can adopt at your age and being single. There are lots of Facebook groups you can find for advice.

You can also have a child via sperm donation. I personally wouldn't, but it's becoming more and more a route to motherhood for women who are financially independent and haven't met a partner they would like to have children with.

Fostering isn't a great idea I don't think. Everyone I know who fosters are older couples who have had a family themselves decades ago. It's a very specific job/role and very challenging. (Not that the 2 above options are easy, but at least the child is yours and you are their parent)

Sorry for how things have turned out. I dont know much about adoption rules but you sound like you'd be a great parent!

Take care with your next relationship that you don't sell yourself short again - I do this too, it's a hard thing to get out of.

I really hope you try for a family in any way shape of form that's best for you and the child (Children) that come into your life. 40s is definitely not to old. It's not to late. If you want a child and can offer love and a financially stable home then that's all that matters. Good luck in with next chapter of your life 🍀

Hi
You can absolutely adopt as a single person. The assessment will consider your health and circumstances; how you will be fit to care for a child. The assessment process does take time/ years and is very rigorous

My understanding is you can not adopt with more than a 45 age gap- so for example if you are 46 you can not adopt a child under 1. But please check with your local authority

Most children who have had to come into care system have had a level of trauma- so perhaps take opportunity to research and read to understand the demands of caring for a child with additional attachment needs

I would also suggest you look into fostering. Sometimes it can be a better fit for people. I know you want a family but this could perhaps help you build experience and insight. Some people begin fostering one weekend a month. Which helps you build experience, confidence and skill- but also is invaluable to the child. Often this respite support can help children remain at home with parents ( who desperately need a break/help ) or supports other foster carers.
There is no age limit for fostering from 18+, families in all different shapes, with different levels of experiences

The assessment process will ask personal questions and require you to reflect on past experiences so be prepared for that. Remember the Local authority is not seeking perfect people with perfect lives, often it is the hardest life challenges that is the best learning experience.

Many adoptions are breaking down because the children are left too long with abusive parents and are almost beyond rehabilitation. Social services will be no support whatsoever leaving the new parent completely unsupported but they are happy to omit vital information to get the child placed in a home. I wouldn't recommend it

I think you should to adopt because you want to adopt, not because you want a child IYSWIM. As people have pointed out it can be very challenging thing as many adopted children will have some additional needs (but no doubt it is very rewarding for people).

You could look at sperm donation and go it alone.

But firstly I would have a long think about what you want and why. There are many ways of having cbildren in your life without giving birth to them. I am child free by choice but have a great relationship with my step son, my niece and nephew and my god daughter.

No, you absolutely did not miss your chance. As above, adoption and IUI/IVF using donor sperm are both options for having your own child.

Fostering is very different, but is another way for you to parent a child/children. Long term fostering might be more of interest to you in your circumstances.

I had a child on my own at 40 via IVF. I've also been a foster carer. I also started the adoption process for a second child, but then changed my mind about adoption.

As mentioned above, children who are waiting to be adopted have often had very traumatic lives prior to being removed from their birth parents. I've heard adoptive parenting referred to as 'parenting plus'. Potentially far more challenging than parenting a birth child who has not experienced the same trauma and loss. Adopters I know say you have to view it as providing a child with a family, and not as providing a family with a child.

Fostering is very different again. It has a lot more to it than just caring for a child and providing them with a home. Like a PP said above, it's a job really. And a challenging one. Not without its rewards of course, but it needs thinking about differently and separately to conceiving a child just because you want a child.

There are lots of resources out there for all these things. I hope you find your way.

If u are 40 u could do sperm donor and go it alone. I know someone who did that and gave birth at 41

Started IVF at 39, daughter born at 42. Single parent by choice, donor father. It’s working for me, albeit with a lot of family support.

I met my ex just before I turned 40. I had DD when I was 41. It’s not too late.

You could look into adoption but I would say only if that is your chosen way to have children. I know a single parent who adopted two small children in her early 60s. She was an experienced adopter/foster carer though.

Fertility clinic. I know someone similar age to you who went to one and by doing so her life improved in all sorts of ways that she didn't expect