Anyone with 5 year old terrified of hobbies/ group activities?

[KronkeyCroc]

My son refused to join in any hobby we’ve tried him at apart from swimming (which took two lessons before he even got in the poo). Otherwise he is a happy boy with friends and is enjoying school.

I’ve decided to not try any activities now, most likely for the rest of the academic year as it stresses him out. I was super shy as a kid so I get it but looking back I really wanted to join in I was just too scared. I think it’s the same for him as he sounds keen but as soon as we get somewhere he refuses and is terrified. I was sad as a kid and beat myself up all the time that I wasn’t brave enough to do anything.

Anyone got experience of this and have tips on how I can get him build his confidence over the coming months so he can give activities he’s interested in a try in future?

He doesn't need hobbies and group activities at 5. Presumably, he's only just started school?

He's tired and there's a lot for him to get used to and get his head around.

I think you need to understand that you are looking back at your childhood through adult eyes with age, wisdom and experience. He is experiencing it fir the first time as a child and a very young one at that!

Give him chance to settle in at school. There maybe after school clubs run by staff he is familiar with and attended by children he already knows that will be available to him at some point.

Find something you can do together. A parent/child group might be less daunting for now.

DD was like this, very much so at 5. We're fortunate to have a work set-up such that we don't need childcare, so I was happy to wait it out. She's been to activities over the years (started at 6) where she knew she would know people; at 10 she first chose to go to a hobby-related activity where she didn't know anyone. So she's got there as far as activities go, but far from instantly.

My DS was very similar to this. We started with swimming age 5, then signed him up to Beavers aged 6. He really enjoys both of these, and Beavers especially which has a mix of kids from his school and others.
He's now 7, and we've worked up to after school clubs as well. Give it time, but also be firm that he has to give it a go.

I would love him to do a team sport but DS is not interested at all. I am not going to force this on him, if he chooses later then great. He's already got 2 things that give him a mixture of skills and experiences. Good luck!

DS2 has been very much like this from very young.
Never joined in straight away, but sat and watched until he was sure about what was going on.
With activities, we have very much let him guide what he wants to do - and when HE decided football was what he wanted, he made a really good go of it.
Yes, he has a fraction of the after school activities compared to his brother (who is an extrovert!), and a fraction of the friends, but he is happy. As he's got older (now at secondary) he has tried more new things, but with the promise from us saying yes to trying something isnt signing him up for the next year.

I'd say suggest activities. Go and watch if possible before committing. And listen to him saying no.

My son was really nervous about activities as a young child, he hated the ides of going somewhere where he didn't know others and everyone else would know each other and know what to do and he would look silly.

The 1st thing he actually went to and stayed at was football, and it was after practicing a lot with the slightly older boy who lived next door who was really sweet and encouraged him. And then to go to an actual group, he went to a new one that was just being set up and I linked up with a dad with a boy in the same year who also wanted to go and we shared lifts. I didn't actually need the lift share but it meant my son had someone else to walk in with and who he already knew a bit and could talk to. That really helped.

Later he joined beavers with a friend from school and there were other boys he knew there, and from that he found other boys who went to swimming lessons and he told me who there parents were, so I could ask them when their kids went so he could join that group.

It took a while for him to be confident in any of these but he loves the older versions of these clubs now. It always helped having someone to walk in with especially as he would put on his brave face in front of them and then realise he was actually fine when he was in there. Even now he is a fairly confident lad, he still prefers to meet someone first so they can walk in together.

My 5 year old DS is exactly the same. We've just returned from yet another birthday party where he has refused to participate in any activities (except a bit of crafting.)

It's heartbreaking watching him get upset and miss out, when all the other kids are running around having fun.

We try to gently encourage him, buts it's tricky because the more we or anyone else try to engage him, the more he pulls back. He's best left to do something quietly in a corner until he decides he wants to try something out.

We have however successfully enrolled him in martial arts classes. The first few weeks were hard work, and he sat out many sessions. Luckily the sensei's are patient and never pushed him out his comfort zone.

These days he gets a bit upset at drop off but once we're gone he participates fully. It's great for him because even though he's in a large group of kids, it's one on one practice and seems to find it less intimidating than something like soccer where everyone is running around.

We're hoping it'll help build a bit of confidence and resilience over time.

He also does swimming but we have good and bad days, sometimes he won't even get in the pool. Especially if it's not his usual teacher.

Hopefully he'll grow out of this as he gets older.

Mone cried whenever he starts a new hobby - football and swimming I persevered (because he loved playing football in garden and swimming is essential) he now loves both!

I’ve had one child who was a joiner-in and one who has been very shy and needs time to warm up. My shy one has needed a push but also teachers who have been willing to go at her pace. I’ve also had to be prepared to let things go- some lessons she just watched and didn’t join in as frustrating as it was, it helped her get used to things. She is now doing really well and focuses and loves them. All the time she was standing around not participating, she was taking things in and observing. I am glad I have persevered though as she gets a lot of enjoyment from her activities and I think it really helped her for school starting. She will always be shy and it’s important for me to try and help her get over it as she’ll need to do holiday camps etc and just crack on.

DD1 and dd2 loved activities. Dd2 in particular would have chosen to do several each evening. To her disappointment I didn't finance that. DD1 didn't do as many, but what she did, she did pretty much from 5-18yo.

Ds then came along. He did a few things, never more than a couple a week. Beavers/cubs, football, tap dancing/drums occasionally other things, but really wasn't bothered-more I wanted him to do something.
Then he was really ill for 2 terms. Afterwards he didn't to go back to what he'd been doing, and didn't really want to leave the house for anything.

So I gave him a long list of things to choose one thing. I said he had to do one thing a term, and could change if he wanted to at the end of each term. He chose a drama group on the entire basis that it was near and only an hour, so least time out.
He moaned every week for the first term, but didn't want to change at the end because "the others are worse".
He moaned every week for the next half term. Then he bounced out and asked if he could do the Saturday class as well. After I'd picked myself up and said yes, he then started that. A term and a half later he added musical theatre, and then other classes with the same group. At the height he was doing 15 hours a week with them.
He's now 16yo and many years later, he still does three evenings a week. He's stopped the Saturdays because he got too old for those classes, but if they offered them he'd be back. He moans when they finish for the term, and complains when they don't start immediately back with schools. If they'd been able to continue face to face in lockdown he'd have been perfectly happy.

I won't say drama is his major talent. However they're a really lovely social group, supportive and with a lot of banter and fun. That's what he's found and he misses them when he doesn't see them. (he'd say "like a hole in his head" because that's the sort of banter they have).

Thank you for your replies. They have been reassuring. I am in no rush to get him in a hobby or activity. I just want to help him over come the fear of group things in case he does want to do things when he is older, and help with the inevitable school holiday things he will have to do next year. We muddled through this summer as he refused to go to anything and it was tough. His sister is a joiner in and has loads of activities. He does say he wants to go to her activities but when I made red (drama) he refuses and cries.

I think, as a previous post said, finding activities with patient teachers is key. His swimming were amazing at letting him just watch and do things at his pace. The football he tried (with loads of boys from his class) was so serious and the teachers didn’t even really introduce themselves 🤨

I’ve looked around for beavers but I don’t think there is one near by due to lack of leaders which is a real shame. But understandable as it’s such a commitment, I wouldn’t have time to do something like that.

I think I do fall into the trap of comparing him to my child experience as well as to other kids in his class who are doing things left right and centre.

If you go on the Scout website, there is a group finder if you haven't tried that.