Just writing here to off load really but I'm struggling and I feel like I'm walking through treacle all of the time. It's life stress and I can't see it getting easier for the next 7 years.
I work FT in a stressful job. I was placed in a location that is 45 minutes in the wrong direction for my life which means I am always late and rushing (I need to take kids to school 15 minutes in the opposite direction). I told work that this would be very difficult for me and was told that they take personal circumstances into account but they really don't. I'm spending at least 2.5 hours in the car everyday and that's not time I have to spend.
We have 4 DC. I'm constantly worried about their future. The eldest has just left school and there is so little opportunity for him around here. He could go to Uni next year but he didn't do great in his A Levels and is not motivated to study. It's a lot of debt to get into to have the experience.
My second eldest works so hard all the time at everything she does but always seems to get overlooked when it comes to be selected for things. It breaks my heart. She's just had another rejection when all of her friends got through. I want to make it better for her and shield her from the pain. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't mean much but right now she's hurting.
I worry that we don't give them enough opportunities. Then that we're giving them too many and stretching ourselves too thin. I'm constantly stressed and grumpy. They've realised that I don't actually listen to them half the time as I'm so distracted.
I have no time for myself. I leave the house at 7 30 and get home around 18 15 after picking up younger DC from after school club. Then it's straight out with one or another of them to take them to an activity. I can't even walk/do some exercise where they go as it's not safe in the dark. I've injured my knee too so the one activity I would normally do is off limits. By the time we get home and I've got everything sorted for the morning I collapse into bed where at the moment I don't really sleep.
Weekends are spent preparing for the following week. We are actually going to stay with friends tonight and instead of looking forward to it I'm massively stressed worrying about how we're going to get things done for the following week. The house is a shit tip. I can't keep on top of it.
I feel like shit in myself. My diet is poor as I have no appetite for anything so I just each crap when I'm hungry. I'm half a stone heavier than I want to be. My hair looks shit as I can't afford to have it cut regularly anymore.
The COL is biting and we just seem to pay money to people all the time. We haven't had a pay rise in years because the tax bracket makes it so inefficient for us to do so and it's not worth the extra stress for so very little.
I feel an utter lack of hope. I can't see how life can be easier. It just feels like one big drudge. I hate myself for being so miserable. I hate myself for not being a better mother to my DC. I hide in my phone because that's the easiest distraction from it all. It's all a bit shit really.