Do I explain to my friend?

[Gabiabbi]

Me and a friend had our daughters very close together, and for much of their lives they were close friends. As they've went into the teenage years they've become very different people. My friend is extremely worried about her daughter - says she has no friends at school, people are often outspoken about how they dont like her etc. Which is awful. Friend is fretting to the point she worries that her daughter will end up with severe mental health issues. I love this girl, im her godmother and have known her since the day she was born and she has many lovely qualities. However, I know her and I think my friend tends to blank out anything negative her daughter does. Question is, do I explain this to mu friend so she can help her? Or leave it? She's often quite passive aggressive that my DD doesn't invite her anywhere, but there are reasons.

Her DD has a habit (I'm pretty sure it's out of low self-esteem) of patronising others, and also picking up on what annoys them, then doing that exact thing. For example my daughter got her first boyfriend 6 months ago. Most of her friends were super-excited for her - however friend's DD's first words were how he originally fancied her and everybody knew it. She sniggers whenever my DD talks about science class - my DD is in 2nd set for science, but DD's child is in top for everything so she makes it known she feels superior to others who aren't.

Those are just some examples. Like I say, I really feel for friend's DD, but I really don't know how to deal with friends interrogation (sometimes directly to my DD) over why she isn't invited anywhere. Friend is worrying to the point it's affecting her life. But I also worry if I point out where the problems are she needs to work on and why she sometimes gets left out, if I'll be lynched for it. What would you prefer, if this was your young teenage DD? some honest truths, or for me to keep my observations to myself?

Tell her. But be prepared for a negative reaction.

And please never say this I'll be lynched for it again.

Just say ‘It’s not fair to interrogate my daughter about your daughter’s lack of friends’, point out that your DD is old enough to choose her company, that former friends growing apart is entirely normal, and change the subject.

You're right - and you've made me feel better about my daughter's part, thank you! Though this lady is one of my closest friends, do I tell her some home truths about her daughter or not? She doesn't seem to realise why other kids don't want to be friends with her

I think I would probably ask her if she wants to know. I'd say that your DD or her friends that have been to your house have explained why they don't invite her places and you can pass that information on, but explain it could feel hurtful and you are just the messenger. Be supportive throughout and hope, if she chooses to hear it, that she takes the feedback well and can support her daughter to make changes to her attitude

do I tell her some home truths about her daughter or not?

Only if you are happy to lose the friendship.
I had a similar situation, our DC were best friends from age 4. By the time they got to 14/15 my DC was more mature and friend was a PITA that no one in their friendship group wanted to spend time with. I felt for them, and my friend, and tried to encourage my DC to still include them -which was wrong of me. There is absolutely no way our friendship would have survived if I had told her why.

Your the godmother ? Part of your role there is to support the child, gently.

I'd be making a stronger connection to the daughter to make sure she's got another adult her life she can talk to. Take her out for coffee and cake, establish regular light tough communication. It sounds like she's really struggling with self esteem (classic bullying / putting other people down behaviour often signals this). Do what you can to support her.

You can't change a personality. Nor fore your own DD to include herm but you can create your own lasting, supportive relationship with her. I have lovely godchildren who I spend time with and give support and guidance to when they need it. It's very rewarding 😊

She's asking, so tell her 🤷‍♀️

Next time she starts to interrogate your daughter, ask your daughter to leave the room for a minute.

"Friend, let's leave my daughter out of it....but I can help here, if you want? I love you both, but I can see what's happening."

Then just explain about how the daughter is behaving, how people are reacting to it, and suggest ways to help the girl to change.

If your friend doesn't like it....not much you can do. But I think you're doing the right thing by telling her, particularly as the girls god daughter.

(For what it's worth, I had a pretty comfortable upbringing - nice house, extra curricular activities etc. But my mum was very disinterested in me. Not sure why, she was just a bit vacant. I was also an only child so was on my own a lot and didn't really have any guidance. I can remember doing things like telling lies, being sneery to people (probably to make myself look better) and just generally doing things that now make me cringe. I would have loved a bit of guidance. I was very jealous of those who had involved mothers / siblings / aunties / grans etc because I had none of that. Don't underestimate the power that you some well-meant, kind, constructive advice and guidance could have on this girl.)

You've all given me some real food for thought, thank you for the responses.

The one about just me and her spending time, seems so obvious now you've said it! But I guess because DDs hadn't been close it never occurred to me. I'm going to try think of something soon, maybe a gig or even just a walk somewhere.