How to stop ruminating on the past?

[usbfinder]

I have a bad mental habit of ruminating on the past. I have done this since I've been old enough to have a past and it just seems to be where my mind goes when it has a free moment! I kind of hate it I know it isn't helpful, it takes up headspace that would be better spent on other, more present things. I think I do it to try and make sense of the past, why I failed or was rejected, sometimes to relive parts of my life where I had little agency or to wonder what it would have been like if I had taken a different path. Often I think of old boyfriends which is frustrating because I don't actually want to get back with any of them and know each break up was for the best and that I am in a good relationship now.

It really is just a bad mental habit but I don't know how to break it, sometimes it can be quite pleasant initially to daydream but it usually ends up with me ruminating in a pretty unhealthy way.

Has anyone else got this bad habit and more to the point does anyone have any tips on how to stop doing it!

So do I OP I can so relate .

The only way I've got over this in the past is a genuine sense of hope for the future and something to work for

I have found it impossible to change , personally. These thoughts are always hovering and slide easily back into the forefront of my mind. They pop up whatever I’m doing and I also have conversations I should have had with the people in question.
it’s exhausting and such a waste of head space

Can you carry a book and read a couple of pages when these moments pop up?

@SoupTerribe I think you are spot on, having goals and plans and hope as you say is important in overcoming this and I don't always have that in my life but I have recently joined the Gym and exercising for the first time in ages so that is something!

@Celticdawn5 I really sympathise as have been struggling with this for so long but I cannot go on like this and have to believe I can stop or at least stop doing it so much. I know it is possible because one particular thing I used to fixate on I did manage to stop thinking about but other equally negative things filled that place.

@frozendaisy That is a good idea, I do listen to podcasts to try and keep my mind occupied but then I often feel overwhelmed or over stimulated by always being entertained so perhaps reading would be better.

Someone said that we get stuck in life, we tend to think about points in life that stick. I suppose to resolve some sort of mental inertia that keep us stuck.

Any distractions avalible?

Usually something that takes us out of rumination, a very immersive film or even a video game if you like that.

From your last post sounds like you're on the right lines OP!

Can you identify triggers? Do the thoughts come when you are anxious or stressed, perhaps about something g else? Could it be hormonal, is it worse at certain times of the month? I had similar unwanted intrusive thoughts and narrowed it down to a mix of both hormones and general stress triggering rumination of the same damaging thoughts over and over. What helped me was reading the book Why has nobody told me this before by dr Julie smith, self care (magnesium spray for aches, face serums, passionflower tablets herbal remedy and Hrt (almost immediate effect), also keeping a diary of good days and bad narrows down triggers and also helps you feel like you’re taking control. Remember they are only thoughts they are not real and you have control over them, keep a list on your phone of things that make you smile, make you proud, songs you like and refer to it when you feel thoughts brewing. Good luck!

@cassiatwenty I think I do just need to find diversions, perhaps meditation would help? I do like to think and introspect but not go round in circles, perhaps journaling is better than getting stuck in the thought loop?

@SoupTerribe Thanks, I hope so!

@Getdowngetdown Thank you for that practical advice! I will check out that book too. Finding triggers and integrating self care seems like a good way forward.

I totally get where you're coming from, I used to do the same.

I would go over every detail - Could I have done more? Did I do something wrong? It must have been something I said, right? It must have been me, it couldn't have been anyone else.

What I have learnt is to accept me for who I am. I would bend over backwards to please other people. Then I would over-analyse when my people-pleasing didn't work out. You might often over concern yourself with the 5% of things you do wrong and therefore consistently fail to acknowledge the 95% of things you do right.

Give yourself a bit more room, stop worrying about other people and what you 'might have done' in the past. Believe me, the people on your mind aren't sitting there thinking 'if only they took this path instead'.

Although you have to unpick the bad for a while, it gives you the answers to appreciate the good. It's okay to have chosen the paths you did, you can't change them, but you can learn from them and accept them.

OP, you have it within you to be who you want without any guilt in decisions you made, are making or plan to make.

Love yourself, be kind to yourself and focus on your happiness and enjoy the presence of people who love you for you. Don't waste time on those who are never satisfied and make you question your own worth.

Have you tried counselling?

@justanothermummma Thank you that is good advice, integrating it though is another matter. I do need to work on self acceptance though.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I have had short bursts of counselling in the past but it was always too short to get anywhere. I really can't afford it now, it is £35 minimum to see someone here and I can't afford that for the length of time I think I'd need.

I get that totally. It took me two years to integrate that mentality into my life.

Psychotherapy/Therapy/Counselling is incredibly helpful in breaking the cycle of anxieties and overthinking. It's no quick fix but when it all 'clicks', it's life-changing.

God, me too. I think about the past all the time and it makes me feel so sad! Like I'm reliving past hurts.

Write about it. Get it down on paper by literal paper or on your e-notebook.

I have learnt this over many years. It empties my head and helps me breathe emotionally and think easier. Wash and repeat as needed.

The pen is mightier than the sword. No one needs to see it. It's very cathartic.

I write the problem, thoughts, emotions, and what I can do about it even if the other person is wrong. I can't change anyone else but me

I ruminate far too much, often about unpleasant things from the past... usually these thoughts come into my mind just as I am trying to fall asleep. I'm not sure what I gain from remembering child abuse that I witnessed over 60 years ago.

@Littlemissalone It really sucks doesn't it?

@CanadianJohn How awful, I'm so sorry you experienced that. I know what you mean about the thoughts that pop in just as you go to sleep and wake you up again but I did not experience anything as bad as what you have 💐

@keffie12 I think in the absence of therapy writing is probably my best option! I will look into some diary software that I can password protect!

Excellent book

Women Who Think Too Much: How to break free of overthinking and reclaim your life amzn.eu/d/9Ni96XR

I got rid of hundreds of photos from my twenties/ thirties which brought back negative memories. Made a huge difference

Remember that at the time you made the decisions you were working on the information you had at that time, not the hindsight you have today. No-one wakes up and decides to take a route in life that's signposted "this is going to be a fuck up". We do what we think/believe/hope is going to be good for us, sometimes based on nothing more than hope.

Looking back from your position of maturity, experience and wisdom it's easy to berate your younger self for the mistakes that seem so obvious now but those mistakes are part of who you are, who you've become so they had a value and are part of your personal journey.

Accept that you are human, fallible, and fumbling your way through life just like everyone else. You're you and that's quite good enough.

I'm glad you are taking up this as an option. It really helps me. I did a whole of life story writing alongside my writings, which really helpful too.

It has helped me get a lot of perspective on my life. It has also helped guide me to therapies I have needed in various areas.

I don't know your life story, and it's none of my business. However, if I can signpost you to anywhere personal message me of you wish too.

I have one of these life stories you read in a book. Fortunately, my story has led me to many specialist areas I've needed to cover.

I have found over the years that a lot of my thinking leads back to old association and undealth with trauma.

I wish you well

Here is a list of generic books that have helped me over the years

The Language of Letting Go. Marriane Williamson

Family secrets - what you don't know can hurt you. John Bradshaw.

The Kyron Parables - The Journey Home The Story of Michael Thomas and the Secen Angels

My background basis on these is that I'm in a 12 step program, so I have many others.

If anyone wants any other info, ask me.

I also watched Jim Carey in The Trueman Show with a different set of eyes in recovery re my childhood

This is a really interesting thread op. Thank you

You could try a therapy book. I saw a psychologist recently, could only afford a couple sessions, but I really got into what she taught me in that time. She recommended "The Happiness Trap" as a good way to continue therapy. It's acceptance and commitment therapy not CBT. I've found ACT more helpful than CBT ever was. Just need to make myself do the book till it becomes part of my routine.

You might find grounding exercises useful, 5 senses one can be good. https://www.yourtherapysource.com/blog1/2020/07/03/5-senses-grounding-exercise-pdf-freebie/

There are techniques that can help release thoughts, blowing them into a balloon then releasing (not outside) or popping it. Writing them down can be really good, sometimes it might help to burn what you've written and imagine all the connected thoughts and worries disappearing as the paper burns.

Doing things mindfully, really focusing on what you're doing and the sensations of that, allowing the thoughts just to float across your mind unexamined. Focusing on breath as a form of mindfulness. There's a lot of mindfulness, mediation and breathing techniques you can find online. If you find something helpful practice it when you're calm so that you know the technique well enough to use it when you're overwhelmed. I was always found running and tasks that required physical effort like scrubbing something useful before I got sick.

If I need a really good distraction I've found having something on TV I've watched many times so don't have to pay much attention to, plus reading a book useful. Something about it that works, I think because if my mind wanders it's grabbed by the TV rather than my thoughts.

@Getdowngetdown That is an excellent book, as is the rest of your advice. I found it easy to read yet practical easy to understand.

@usbfinder Thank you for this. Yes, meditation might help just to slow down and slow down my racing mind, and journaling to give thoughts an outlet rather them being circular.