40 looming and not feeling great

[NextDecadeLooming]

I’m not sure whether how I’m feeling is totally normal and I just need to get on with it. I turn 40 next month and am just feeling quite…down for want of a better word.

I have two kids and about to return to work post mat leave. The children are fantastic and my DH is also supportive, so I don’t feel like I have a place to feel as low as I do.

Finances are rocky, between mortgage fix rate rise and childcare it’s going to be extremely tight for a couple of years. I’m feeling a lot like I’m paddling frantically between parents getting older, young kids, work stress looming and for some reason this big birthday is really making me feel quite anxious and blue. We’ve had some tough times recently, a family member passed away and there’s a lot of illness in extended family which is an ongoing worry/concern.

Is it okay to feel this down? Just part of getting older, life stress, money, two young kids, tough general times in the UK? I just don’t normally have blue periods and I’m struggling a bit with how to pull myself out of it.

Any tips would be welcome, I’m going to start switching off the news and trying to be off my phone and doing basic things like reading a book or having some down time instead of doom scrolling or mindlessly watching TV. Lack of sleep probably isn’t helping as my DD2 is only eight months and whilst a good sleeper isn’t sleeping through by any stretch. And I’m not loving how I look post partum so hoping that maybe doing something about that might help.

Just wondering if anyone else has struggled with forty, as I’m hoping it’ll pass once I’m the other side of the big day!

I got over 40 grand, i was supposed to have a lovely weekend with friends that they booked for me as a surprise.and then covid happened. But it was fine. 42 tomorrow, nothing planned. If you continue to feel down, please see your GP. Don't get into a spiral.

I think when these big ages loom we tend to feel down but once the actual day passes you realise you feel exactly the same. I remember feeling really down when 30 was looming and now I think what the heck was I worried about!

I honestly think embrace it, as the decades start to fly and you'll blink and you are 50. But totally know what you mean about life at the moment interest rate rises, seems to be bad news everywhere, doom scrolling, life is hard at times Do see the GP if you don't feel any better.

You have a lot going on in your life and if you continue to feel down then do seek help.

However, we are conditioned to focus on big birthdays as a marker.
It's another day - you are still here, you have a family, a career etc Focus on the positives of your life.

As the years pass I find it hard to believe what age I am now and realise it is passing quickly. I think about the people I have lost along the way ( not all of them to old age) I have experienced close friends having serious medical issues. It makes me focus upon the blessing that is life and live it to the full. This is hard at this stage of your life with young children - I sometimes wish I could time travel back to when my children were small so I could pick them up and snuggle them again. They are now late twenties and tall enough to lift me up.
Celebrate being 40 - make some plans and yes they may be dictated by the age if your children. Nobody has got this life sorted or managed to get through without some challenges- take time to appreciate what you have, make some plans and as my 80 year old neighbour said when I fretted about being 40 'you're a youngster'
Happy Birthday - deep breath and keep going

I get it OP. I am a few years older and lost some important people around 40. I decided making holiday plans is the best way to avoid existential depression. I spend a lot of time thinking about where I want to go, even if it’s just on my wishlist. It’s made me feel like me again.

Some of how you're feeling might be (subconscious) anxiety about returning to work after mat leave. You might feel a bit better once you've been back at work a bit

You’ve got a lot going on, never mind a birthday coming up. Two young kids is bloody hard work on its own. Juggling that with adjusting to the idea of going back to work, plus you may be sad about leaving your little one and that’s a lot of emotion right there. It’s proven that 40s for women are the time when life satisfaction dips for many of the reasons you’ve mentioned.

However - I always look at big birthdays as a great thing because rather than being at the end of something, you are now at the start. You’ll be a youngster in the 40s. I’m older than you and life was very very tough for a few years. Still has many of the challenges as before but I feel like a different person now so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Worth keeping an eye on general health too and symptoms of perimenopause - it starts much younger than people think.

Good luck OP.

It's the young kids! I am 40 next month and my two are almost 17 and 13 so I can sleep!
I must admit, 40 definitely seems to signify the end of youth.....I was dreading it for a bit but I'm over it now, we are hoping to move house soon so that's given me something to focus on and look forward to. Do you have anything you want to do that you could start organising and looking forward to OP?

I don't know how to link threads but hopefully someone will come along who can. There was a great thread a few weeks ago about "Things I wish I'd known at 40". Lots of wisdom from older Mumsnetters.
Good luck OP

Thank you for taking time to send such thoughtful replies. It’s reassuring to feel less alone grappling with this, it’s a real change from my usual way of thought.

I actually had a celebration a couple of weeks ago and it didn’t go as I’d hoped or envisaged so I think that might be adding to my general feeling of disappointment.

And I think there is something in the return to work anxiety, leaving LO at nursery is making me feel guilty as she’s going earlier than her elder sibling did but we simply can’t afford for me to take any more time on mat pay or no pay at all.

I also feel I’m entering the chapter of life where there is simply more sadness, and worry. Family and friends will age and pass, friends are getting divorced, responsibilities will shift more and more as parents get older. Every week I feel another relative or family friend is unwell or passes away. It at times all feels a bit overwhelming. So thank you for the thought and kindness in your responses. It was a big help today.

Embrace being 40 and enjoy it! I remember being stressed at 40, with young kids and all the craziness that brings plus worrying about getting older. But looking back I wish I had enjoyed it more and made the most of everything at that time because life was pretty good.

By my 50th birthday I was newly separated, heartbroken, with two teenagers to worry about. 50 was miserable for proper reasons so I looked back at 40 then and wished I hadn't fretted about it.
From where I am now 40 seems young. And as for 30, well, I can't believe the fuss my girlfriends and I made about that - we were mere youngsters with it all to play for!

I just wanted to return to this thread as I want to give updates when people have taken time out to post replies and advice.

It was my 40th this week. My youngest started nursery and LOVES it. Plus I had a really lovely, very low-key day to celebrate with close family. Lots of people made the effort with messages and cards etc which was lovely and very unexpected! All in all I feel much more level, now I’m past the milestone it actually feels quite good! And having spent time with close friends who have a lot going on with illness and other burdens I feel like ageing is actually a bit of a privilege rather than a problem.

Thank you to all of you who posted with advice and empathy. It was a massive help when I really needed it.

That's lovely OP, glad your LO is loving nursery! It's a massive weight off your shoulders when you realise they actually enjoy it 😊
It's my 40th very very soon, my eldest has started college and seems to be enjoying it and my youngest has a part time job on Saturday's.....she hasn't quite decided if she enjoys that yet though!
I am in the thick of getting the house up for sale (why did no one remind me how much of a ball ache dealing with estate agents would be 🤣) and generally speaking I haven't got time to turn 40!
I think that means I legitimately get another year to be 39!

Glad you’re feeling a little better - you’re still a young pup!

40 something is young these days - hell I’m still young and I’m 51 😂