How to stop taking it all for granted? Why is everything not enough?

[JadeLeaves]

I have anxiety and never have found medication that works for me, and on a more woo note I don't really believe pharmaceuticals are the way for me to be my best self, so it's not something I want to consider, just before it's mentioned.

Life could be better, my job is meh and badly paid, money can be tight at times, one of my kids can be challenging sometimes, I've a family fall out I need to resolve and don't know how, and it feels like all of this stuff takes up so much of my brain. Before these issues there were others. I feel like my mind is always on what I need to do, what I haven't got etc.

When on the bright side I'm in good health, have a happy marriage, two healthy children, own a lovely home, both my parents still around and in good health, money can be tight but we earn enough to pay our mortgage, our bills, eat nice food, go on holidays. I have such amazing friends, and two dear best friends that have supported me through so much and I have so much fun with. I have good relationships with my siblings.

I read some threads on here where people seem to want just half of that and I think to myself give your head a wobble, you've got it good and you need to enjoy your hand and not want for more more more.

But I slip back into it almost immediately?! Is that just anxiety, not being able to focus on the good? Or are we all guilty of not realising the privileges we do have sometimes?

I'm not bragging, my life is astonishingly ordinary but I can obviously see that I have a lot of the conventional things people want for. Why does it not feel enough to be happy with that?

I have no answers as I'm the same, like I always have to be worrying/dissatisfied with something.

I think you feel like this because the world around you keeps telling you must have xxxx because if you don't you'll be failing in some way. It's the old advertising trick, force people to buy stuff they don't need. Over the last couple of years I've been financially curtailed big time! For the first 6 months I was in despair that I couldn't afford my expensive moisturizers, clothes, etc. etc. Now I am pretty happy with cheaper stuff, and charity shops. I am furious at the money I have wasted in the past. You know that you are doing fine. Learn to be satisfied with it.

Would you consider CBT? You would be able to identify, challenge and change your thinking patterns.

I think it’s part of the human condition but you are absolutely right in that we have to strive to not be ungrateful.

writing down what you have - and yes you ARE blessed - is a start.

I know what you mean it happens at work too I feel pressure to go for that bigger job but actually I’m relatively happy doing what I do without the huge stress added in but every now & then I entertain the thought and put it back in its box. Sometimes you need a health scare to make you actually value what you have & what’s important to you. You could try doing some mindfulness or simple yoga, I love cold water swimming so I do that regularly it really grounds you back into reality again. Simple reflection stuff like writing 3 good things about today may help. Anxiety & lack of control in our lives often trigger some of this and social media really ramps that up.

I also agree that it would be a very bad idea to medicalise and take chemicals for what is not now depression, but if you were not on the ball could slip into it.

There’s an interesting documentary on Netflix atm which is ostensibly about longevity, but actually it’s more about the things that make for good quality of life.
I will look up the name of it.

It’s a known condition called Chronic Dissatisfaction, also called the ‘modern disease’ https://www.drdebracampbell.com/chronic-dissatisfaction/

There’s a lot of information on line about it if you want to delve into it further.

Have you tried stopping looking at social media?

I read an interesting theory that the reason social media is so bad for our mental health is that we are comparing ourselves constantly with vast groups of people when previously we only had smaller more similar groups of people to compare ourselves to & therefore we now constantly consider ourselves to be "below" many many people which is really stressful because if we're of low value maybe we'll get kicked out of the cave/not get food in a famine etc etc

I genuinely think this is habit as much as anything. you can break it by keeping a gratitude journal. start by writing a list of everything you are thankful for in the present moment (as you just did) and then everything you can be thankful for from the past.

After that, write in it every day and list very specific things. Don't reiterate generic things like 'I'm thankful for my good health" or "I'm thankful for my good marriage/two kids" but specifics from the day e.g. for health: "I loved running down the country lanes today - the blackberries were ripening and I saw a hare" - For your marriage it could be, "DH made me laugh so hard today when he did that impression of Donald Trump in the kitchen. And the garden looks great now he's replanted that border." DC could be: "Had a really interesting discussion with DS today about Buddhism - he's studying it at school and he was telling me how to reach the state of nirvana."

It's important if you're feeling bad not to think you have to pretend everything is fine by telling yourself you ought to feel grateful because you are solvent and have healthy children etc. you use it more as a comforter. e.g. " Shitty, miserable day today but I did feel momentarily excited when those goldfinches landed on the lawn. So beautiful. And J got invited me to that show I wanted to see because she has a spare ticket. So a couple of nice things happened today."

If you do that every single day you start to build a habit of focusing on small good things to appreciate and enjoy. It might take a while and feel artificial at first but after a while it becomes second nature and you start to feel pleasure more in small details of everyday life than hankering for massive change and improvements all the time.

@Awaywiththewhisk

I think it’s part of the human condition but you are absolutely right in that we have to strive to not be ungrateful.

writing down what you have - and yes you ARE blessed - is a start.

**

THIS

as humans there is a real need for inner growth.
If we don't grow , we stagnate.
I find pleasure in developing my gardening skills.
Gratitude list are great but can only take you so far.
What helped me was to figure out what I truly wanted and then start to head in that direction.
The phrase 'you're never satisfied' used to ring in my ears - thanks mum.
But actually, if we were 'satisfied' we'd still be living in caves.
Yes , my life is great and I am very grateful, but I'm not stood still.
I've got a lot going off - eg. Planning my garden for Spring, the new art work to bring fresh energy into the house, which Saturday to have Christmas party on this year for the most fun, how best to support a friend going through a tough time.... new books I want to read , different wine I want to try - and a new course I'm going on. Funding the right car, at the right price for DH.
Life is ever changing and so are we.
Somethings are big, some are small.
Something are easy , somethings are more difficult. It all takes effort, but it's worth it.
Will I ever be satisfied? Momentarily and I'm always grateful and celebrate the wins, pick myself up when I fail, but I'll always want more.
I no longer feel guilty about wanting stuff, experiences. But I don't hold myself to it. If it happens great, if not, well there's always something else.

@JadeLeaves

Before these issues there were others. I feel like my mind is always on what I need to do, what I haven't got etc.

With regards to this - have you seen the short vid on you tube 'The Nothing Box' ?
Basically men have boxes - they can only think about one thing at once. Eg. The Work Box.
The Gaming Box.
The Sex Box.
The Hobby Box.
But their favourite Box is -
The Nothing Box - when they actually think about NOTHING!!!
(Usually when watching TV / Fishing etc. )
Now we as women we think about
EVERYTHING all of the time ....,,
You are completely normal.
( I like to walk to clear my head or garden- you may find meditation helps or yoga).

Perhaps CBT would work! Might be good to talk this out? Good luck 👍