Grief over a pet and an 11yo

mysparkleismissing · 2023-09-12T21:40:27+00:00

So last night I took the decision to have our 14 yo cat put to sleep. (This is his first experience of loss) She's been poorly for a while, no real reason, but deteriorated badly over the weekend. She went quickly the vet said she was ready. My 11yo really isn't coping at all. Is lying on the floor next to the bed where he last saw her, isn't eating, isn't sleeping is inconsolably upset, having panic attacks due to the emotions he's feeling. Didn't make it to school today Keeps repeating the same things about not wanting her to be gone, missing her, wishing she was here, asking where she is (he knows full well), wanting her back I'm really at a loss of what to say or do. Anyone got any wise words of ideas? We're going to get her ashes back and he's gonna choose the urn, I've said we'll go get a Teddy that he can cuddle and they'll help him feel close to her. He wants a picture for a frame. I don't feel like I can deal with my own grief cos I'm so concerned about him.

Yellowdaysaregood · 12/09/2023 23:07

So sorry didn't feel like I could scroll. Without going through all the clichés, it does get better, but at the moment it hurts. Talk through it and get out the photos memories are so precious xx

Loomy · 12/09/2023 23:12

So sorry you are going through this. My DD was inconsolable for a very long time after as she has suspected ASD. It really impacted her and she used the cat as an excuse for every time she found things difficult as it was her way of expressing her feelings.

Ilovelurchers · 12/09/2023 23:27

I am sorry for your loss, and don't want to add to your distress, but I feel what I am about to say is quite important so I will try to be honest and clear.

While I know the loss of a pet can be especially upsetting for a child, his reaction does sound very extreme. I am not sure how long he has been lying on the floor and not eating, but over time that will only exacerbate his feelings of distress and inability to regulate them.

As his mom you need to do all you can to ensure that he is eating normally, going about his normal routines, GOING TO SCHOOL (last one is vital - well they all are to be honest - but school will help him do the other things). Please try to help him see that his response is disproportionate and will not serve him well as a good coping strategy going forwards.

If he genuinely refuses to get up;eat; attend school, despite you making it extremely clear to him that these are important and appropriate things to do - then this is something your family will need support with and you should contact both his school and your GP.

Difficult as it is, our job is to prepare our kids for all the ugly and awful challenges this world will throw at them, by giving them the best coping strategies possible, and always encouraging them to see things in proportion.

And in practical terms, I would get another cat. It never quite replaces the old one but it does help to have something new to focus on...
.

Original poster

mysparkleismissing · 13/09/2023 08:13

Sorry didn't wanna read and run just got to work. He's managed a few hours sleep and some toast. I've dropped him to a feiends to go to school and his nan is picking him up layer he doesn't wanna be at home without her.
I'll read the replies properly after work thanks for your kind words.
We already have another cat at home, she's a bit confused bless her.
X

OP posts:

Original poster

mysparkleismissing · 13/09/2023 21:04

Ilovelurchers · 12/09/2023 23:27

I am sorry for your loss, and don't want to add to your distress, but I feel what I am about to say is quite important so I will try to be honest and clear.

While I know the loss of a pet can be especially upsetting for a child, his reaction does sound very extreme. I am not sure how long he has been lying on the floor and not eating, but over time that will only exacerbate his feelings of distress and inability to regulate them.

As his mom you need to do all you can to ensure that he is eating normally, going about his normal routines, GOING TO SCHOOL (last one is vital - well they all are to be honest - but school will help him do the other things). Please try to help him see that his response is disproportionate and will not serve him well as a good coping strategy going forwards.

If he genuinely refuses to get up;eat; attend school, despite you making it extremely clear to him that these are important and appropriate things to do - then this is something your family will need support with and you should contact both his school and your GP.

Difficult as it is, our job is to prepare our kids for all the ugly and awful challenges this world will throw at them, by giving them the best coping strategies possible, and always encouraging them to see things in proportion.

And in practical terms, I would get another cat. It never quite replaces the old one but it does help to have something new to focus on...
.

Your honesty is totally how I feel. It's just too much!

I get it's the first time he's lost anyone/anything but his feelings are a lot

He went to school today I dropped him to a friend's and my ex MIL picked him up so he's not been at home alone without her.

We do have another cat, she's not as lap-cat like very much on her own terms

He barely ate yesterday but has eaten a bit more today- if he can get to sleep before midnight tonight I'll take that as a win.

OP posts:

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 13/09/2023 21:17

Our 19 year old cat passed away peacefully at home on my bed. He just looked like he was asleep. 🥺

It helped my 10 year old boy to be able to see him on the bed and say goodbye (his choice)

We took our cat for cremation as my son wanted him at home still. My son was adamant that he wanted to take him and collect his ashes.
This really helped him process our loss and made him feel as he had honoured his passing.

So sorry for the loss of your beloved cat OP, it truly is heartbreaking.
I hope you, your son and the remaining cat heal. X

MidnightOnceMore · 13/09/2023 21:26

Ilovelurchers · 12/09/2023 23:27

I am sorry for your loss, and don't want to add to your distress, but I feel what I am about to say is quite important so I will try to be honest and clear.

While I know the loss of a pet can be especially upsetting for a child, his reaction does sound very extreme. I am not sure how long he has been lying on the floor and not eating, but over time that will only exacerbate his feelings of distress and inability to regulate them.

As his mom you need to do all you can to ensure that he is eating normally, going about his normal routines, GOING TO SCHOOL (last one is vital - well they all are to be honest - but school will help him do the other things). Please try to help him see that his response is disproportionate and will not serve him well as a good coping strategy going forwards.

If he genuinely refuses to get up;eat; attend school, despite you making it extremely clear to him that these are important and appropriate things to do - then this is something your family will need support with and you should contact both his school and your GP.

Difficult as it is, our job is to prepare our kids for all the ugly and awful challenges this world will throw at them, by giving them the best coping strategies possible, and always encouraging them to see things in proportion.

And in practical terms, I would get another cat. It never quite replaces the old one but it does help to have something new to focus on...
.

Massive over-dramatic reply here, ironic given the talk of 'inability to regulate' - taking someone to the GP immediately is ridiculous.

This is how kids end up with serious issues - parents who freak out at any sign of an emotion.

Give the kid a couple of days.

MidnightOnceMore · 13/09/2023 21:31

Plus the first death is when a child first fully understands that dead means DEAD. That their parents will die and they will die.

It's not a small thing, death.

A kid needs a bit of kindness and a bit of time.

Boomboom22 · 13/09/2023 21:33

Usually people send an email to the form tutor, I don't think it is a reason to miss school.

Oioicaptain · 13/09/2023 21:42

My son was pretty distraught when our dog died. I'm pretty sure that he's on the edge of the spectrum. He wasn't even that close to the dog. He definitely used the dog's death as an excuse or outlet for other emotions over the following few weeks. It took a few weeks for him to be fully over it. We got a puppy to help him move on. Ironically he doesn't interact much with the puppy. He is and always has been much more of a cat person. Gawd helps us when something ever happens to his cat. She's 10 and I am dreading it. Kids are all different and my son is a bit of an emotional enigma. I was also a bit of a mess though when we had our dog out to sleep and I think that it helped my son see me have a good cry over it too as he knew that he wasn't alone in his feelings and that losing a pet is actually a really sad event. Best if luck, but kids do bounce back quicker than you think. I guarantee that this is actually worse for you than it is for him.

Mortimermay · 13/09/2023 21:51

I actually don't think his reaction is that extreme. At the time he wasn't eating, going to school etc it had been less than 24 hours (if I'm reading your posts correctly) since your cat died. I think his reaction is quite normal! Especially as you've said he is now eating a bit more today, so he's processing it more. I know people who've taken a day off work because their pet died so I don't see an issue with a child missing a day of school. When our cat died I think we all cried for most of that day!
Three years on and my dd will still use the cat dying as a reason to be sad when she's sad about something else. We know there's something bothering her when she starts talking about the cat.
I wouldn't worry, it sounds as though he is getting better anyway.

BFmumttc · 13/09/2023 21:54

Try the charities blue cross (animal loss) and winston’s wishes (for parental or sibling grief but generally might have good grief resources), sending love!

BFmumttc · 13/09/2023 21:55

Blue cross bereavement service

Pet bereavement and pet loss

If you are grieving for a pet, or facing loss, our free and confidential Pet Bereavement Support Service (PBSS) is here for you by phone, email or webchat.

https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

PaintYourPrettyPicture · 13/09/2023 22:07

I lost my beloved cat around that age and it affected me alot. I remember writing a story about him in my English class and my teacher read it out loud to the class and she became very emotional.
I am 54 now and still have very fond memories of that cat, in fact l purposely chose one last year that reminded me of him, black and fluffy.
Remind your son when he's older he will forget a lot of things about his childhood, but he won't ever forget his beloved cat and the lovely memories.
I hope he's feeling better soon.

FrangipaniBlue · 13/09/2023 22:27

I don't think his reaction is disproportionate at all!

He has only ever known life with the cat in it.

As another poster said, the first time a child has to deal with death it makes it very real and no longer just a thing that they hear people talk about.

It is the first time he's had to deal with that very specific emotion, so in essence his brain doesn't know what to do or how to process it.

It's not just about the cat.

If it goes on longer that 48hrs then MAYBE posters wild have a point, but t already sounds like he is starting to come out the other side.

Original poster

mysparkleismissing · 14/09/2023 23:16

Boomboom22 · 13/09/2023 21:33

Usually people send an email to the form tutor, I don't think it is a reason to miss school.

Glad you feel that way.
Certainly wasn't my choice to have him miss school but there's only sp much I can do as a human.
Sorry you don't approve.

OP posts:

Original poster

mysparkleismissing · 14/09/2023 23:20

Thanks again for all the support and compassion you've shown an Internet stranger.

He's definitely on the up. Sleeping better and eating more. Did nearly cry at school today when his teacher spoke about her pet crying

I've ordered a Teddy and we've spoken about the "stages of grief" tonight.

He's away to his dad's for a few nights on Saturday so that might help give him some space

Shame his dad can't manage to text him and see how he is. Nor my parents.

Thanks again everything your words have really helped.

OP posts:

WetBandits · 14/09/2023 23:22

Oh bless him 🥺 losing a pet is awful, no matter how old you are! He sounds a lovely, sensitive little boy who is experiencing his first ever realisation that his loved ones won’t be around forever. His reactions and feelings are valid and normal ❤️

Dillane · 14/09/2023 23:31

Ilovelurchers · 12/09/2023 23:27

I am sorry for your loss, and don't want to add to your distress, but I feel what I am about to say is quite important so I will try to be honest and clear.

While I know the loss of a pet can be especially upsetting for a child, his reaction does sound very extreme. I am not sure how long he has been lying on the floor and not eating, but over time that will only exacerbate his feelings of distress and inability to regulate them.

As his mom you need to do all you can to ensure that he is eating normally, going about his normal routines, GOING TO SCHOOL (last one is vital - well they all are to be honest - but school will help him do the other things). Please try to help him see that his response is disproportionate and will not serve him well as a good coping strategy going forwards.

If he genuinely refuses to get up;eat; attend school, despite you making it extremely clear to him that these are important and appropriate things to do - then this is something your family will need support with and you should contact both his school and your GP.

Difficult as it is, our job is to prepare our kids for all the ugly and awful challenges this world will throw at them, by giving them the best coping strategies possible, and always encouraging them to see things in proportion.

And in practical terms, I would get another cat. It never quite replaces the old one but it does help to have something new to focus on...
.

What nonsense.

The OP’s son has lost a beloved cat that has been part of his family for his whole life. Of course he will feel bereft and struggle with his emotions.

Time is a healer OP, encourage him back into a normal routine, without minimising his feelings. Sorry for your loss 💐

Mortimermay · 15/09/2023 14:56

I'm glad to hear he's doing better. Losing a pet is so difficult let alone if you're a child. Our dd helped choose the urn for our cat too and we got one with a picture frame attached. It now sits in the cats favourite place. A few weeks after we got the urn home we noticed that she had made a little decoration to sit beside it. She was still just working through things. It's still there now 3 years later and to be honest we all still talk to the urn occasionally!