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Why are people so competitive about kids?!

21 replies

PenLidsOnTheFloor · 12/09/2023 12:59

I have seen so much bragging about people’s children doing things ‘early’ or ‘better’ since DC were born. I saw a video a while back of a woman bragging that their child had never had a tantrum. A year or so ago I saw a Facebook post from a dad bragging about how his child ‘slept the whole night’, ‘ate anything they offered her’ and was ‘always smiling’ and people responding about how she is a miracle child etc.

But why? I don’t go for a job and say ‘well I started walking at 8 months old and I used to eat all my vegetables’. It doesn’t have an effect on life, just because your child starts talking a month before the national average doesn’t mean they’re going to become something special? I did loads earlier than my siblings (youngest child syndrome) and they’re all much more accomplished than me 😂. Why are parents so competitive about who does what when? Who sleeps through the night, who doesn’t tantrum? All of those things are perfectly normal for children, I don’t get the competition? By the time they start school, who gives a toss when they started sleeping through the night? Do some parents genuinely think they have better genetics because their kid will eat broccoli and prawns? Or because they pulled themselves up at four months instead of five?

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 12/09/2023 13:41

Are they actually bragging? Neither of my two DDs ever had a tantrum. Not once. I had to keep my mouth shut when friends were all talking about toddler tantrums as I'd genuinely never experienced that with mine. But if I'd told them that I'm sure I'd have been accused of being smug or bragging.

I suppose it depends on whether the parents are just saying their child did X, Y, Z because they're proud of them or whether they are actually showing off and being boastful.

PenLidsOnTheFloor · 12/09/2023 13:45

ThreeRingCircus · 12/09/2023 13:41

Are they actually bragging? Neither of my two DDs ever had a tantrum. Not once. I had to keep my mouth shut when friends were all talking about toddler tantrums as I'd genuinely never experienced that with mine. But if I'd told them that I'm sure I'd have been accused of being smug or bragging.

I suppose it depends on whether the parents are just saying their child did X, Y, Z because they're proud of them or whether they are actually showing off and being boastful.

I’ve seen and heard a lot of bragging! There is a woman on Instagram who made a whole show off video about how her child has never been angry and how amazing they were.

But I don’t see why this is a positive thing? Surely it’s not positive or negative, it’s just…a difference in personality?

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 12/09/2023 13:46

I think everyone wants to be the best parent they can be but despite your (my!) best efforts, the sense that you're not doing everything perfectly (and by extension, are ruining this beautiful, perfect little life with your stupidity and incompetence) can be powerful. So people are always looking for that reassurance that they're doing fine, the child is wonderful and all is well.

It's deep insecurity and huge pressure, I think.

So when people boast about their kids to me, I say that's marvellous, your child is wonderful and I'm always so glad to hear lovely stories (even if I don't always feel like that). Both parties tend to feel good about that interaction.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

frozendaisy · 12/09/2023 13:47

Because everything is a competition with some people.

Christmas tree decorations
Beach holiday photos
Valentine's presents
Cars
Gardens
Fireplaces
Mugs of tea
Nails

With some people they can't even grow a carrot privately.

Why you think their children would be any different?

SallyWD · 12/09/2023 13:52

This is the second thread I've seen about competitive parenting this week. I can honestly say I've never experienced it. None of my friends with babies or children bragged about when they started talking or walking etc. Yes, they might mention it in passing "Oh Isla started walking last week!" but not in a competitive sense at all.
I suppose I'm just lucky that I don't know parents like this. I think some people might want to brag but know to keep their mouths shut!

ibizaLover85 · 12/09/2023 13:53

People like this usually havent acheieved anything themselves

Eg the tacky woman who lives through her husbands job

People that actually acheieve success in business or professionally or personally eg modelling are generally not like this as they have nothing to prove & are confident their DC will be the same

Inadequate people compete over any old crap as the big proper successes elude them IMO

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 13:55

This is the second thread today claiming that loads of parents are competitive.

Sure some people are competitive, but there's also a lot of very insecure people who is suspect think anyone talking about something good their child has done must be bragging or being competitive.

PenelopeTheShroudWeaver · 12/09/2023 13:56

I know what you mean OP

It used to make me feel a bit shit when I was a new mum with PND. I tried going to a couple of local baby groups and it was all "oh is yours not doing X by now? Mine has been doing it for weeks!"

Primary school was the same. "oh your DD plays a computer game? I'm so glad that mine doesn't like screen time, it's just so bad for their development " etc.

The funny thing is, DD is in secondary school now and is doing much better academically and with her behaviour than many of the kids whose parents used to brag. The one who was supposedly too advanced for computer games is (according to the child herself) one transgression away from permanent exclusion from the school (no SN, just badly behaved, bunks off, swears at teachers and at her parents, etc). She's only 12

So in answer to your question OP, I really don't get why people brag like this, but in my own experience the kids in question are not necessarily better off in the long term!

xogossipgirlxo · 12/09/2023 13:58

No idea, but you’re so damn right. Same with breastfeeding/formula feeding. Who cares.

PenLidsOnTheFloor · 12/09/2023 13:58

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 13:55

This is the second thread today claiming that loads of parents are competitive.

Sure some people are competitive, but there's also a lot of very insecure people who is suspect think anyone talking about something good their child has done must be bragging or being competitive.

You don’t need to be unpleasant to me, if you don’t want to comment on the subject you can scroll past rather than being passive aggressive and trying to make me out to be insecure.

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 12/09/2023 14:00

it carries on throughout childhood, well beyond tantrums etc.

If I hear one more thing about my colleagues daughters brilliant achievements at GCSE and A'Level, I might punch her

DivingForLove · 12/09/2023 14:01

“With some people they can't even grow a carrot privately.”

My quote of the day 😂😂😂😂

Xmasbabyxmas · 12/09/2023 14:02

Let's all take a moment to appreciate how@frozendaisyhas summed up the narrative of our times perfectly "With some people they can't even grow a carrot privately". I cannot stop laughing.

DivingForLove · 12/09/2023 14:02

@Xmasbabyxmas cross posted 😂

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 14:02

You don’t need to be unpleasant to me, if you don’t want to comment on the subject you can scroll past rather than being passive aggressive and trying to make me out to be insecure.
I wasn't saying anything to you.

I do think there are some people out there who are competitive, and I also think there are people out there who look for ulterior motives and competition where there aren't any.

There's some people who want to talk non-stop about how amazingly advanced their little bundle is, but there's also people who will take any discussion that a child slept through the night or a parent shares they're happy with a child's accomplishment and leap straight to assuming the other parent is entering a competition.

Discoconut · 12/09/2023 14:03

I started the other thread about this very same subject yesterday and I’m glad I’m not alone in feeling this way - your thoughts mirror mine exactly. I suspect the people commenting that it’s just normal chatter are the bragging type 😉

PenLidsOnTheFloor · 12/09/2023 14:05

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 14:02

You don’t need to be unpleasant to me, if you don’t want to comment on the subject you can scroll past rather than being passive aggressive and trying to make me out to be insecure.
I wasn't saying anything to you.

I do think there are some people out there who are competitive, and I also think there are people out there who look for ulterior motives and competition where there aren't any.

There's some people who want to talk non-stop about how amazingly advanced their little bundle is, but there's also people who will take any discussion that a child slept through the night or a parent shares they're happy with a child's accomplishment and leap straight to assuming the other parent is entering a competition.

Sorry, I thought you were digging me out - maybe I am insecure 😂

OP posts:
Scruffington · 12/09/2023 14:10

because by bragging about their kid they get to brag about themselves by proxy. because they see their child as a reflection of themselves and their superior parenting

Tlolljs · 12/09/2023 14:10

I’ve been looking for a new job. I’m going to be growing carrots privately from now on.

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2023 14:11

Definitely not digging you out. 😀

When mine were younger I found it helpful to take what people said at face value and only conclude competition if there was a track record.

One of my friends had babies who slept through quite early on. She wasn't bragging, but did express that she felt very lucky she didn't have the experience another friend did. Hearing friends talk about their children meant I felt empowered to get support for one of mine. I'd have missed out on some great friends if I'd written them off as braggy or competitive.

DryIce · 12/09/2023 14:23

There's precious little other feedback available on mat leave! If you're a nervous or somewhat insecure new parent, having your child meet/exceed arbitrary guidelines can be reassuring.

Even if I don't consider the achievement I question very notable, it isn't hard to smile and nod and say well done jf the parent is pleased about it

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