I’ve been oddly impacted by childhood bullying this week I think as dd is starting nursery attached fri school so just written this to trygsnd help me
It doesn’t bring me joy to see you cry,
But I want to know how you sleep at night
For twenty years my life has been fight,
That’s not to say I haven’t been bright
A serious mental illness I’ve had on my hands, and by and large I’ve been a one man band.
The golden girls in junior school,
I’d never met people be so cruel,
How can you be gaslit by a nine year old?
How can grown ups be so cold?
Scared to have the same lunchbox,
or have them say you stole their watch.
I tiptoed round trying not to be seen,
But I had ADHD so that was obscene.
Anything different they could pick up, act totally natural. Don’t dare mess up.
Gentle hands I certainly did see.
Little miss A, an Angel was she
Warmth in her face,
Her gaze a safe place
Bold and brave, she didn’t cave.
But one kind child in a torrent of abuse wasn’t likely to lead to a truce.
I first wanted to die, when I was nine years old.
They made me feel I’d infected lives like a mould.
I had a twin sister, who was different to me,
If I left, a Princess she’d be.
I thought about taking my life, at nine and a half
What a path
To stand on alone,
Hearing a background of Catholic drone
About not being buried on sacrosanct land
All the while wishing your body was hanged.
Grown ups again, let me down,
Separated me like a clown
Allowed strange parents in to scream in my face,
made me realise what an unsafe place,
My school had been,
But it couldn’t be seen.
Children would brush by me, by now I was ten
Wipe off there clothes and they then,
Would find the nearest gel or soap
And scrub away in the vain hope
That No trace of the leper
Would be on the clothes and make them lesser.
Now I’m at high school, it’s my time to shine,
There are new people here, I’m sure I’ll be fine.
I met some more angels my C & My E.
The light in the dark, whatever it may be.
But once again, having something nice doesn’t mean it isn’t strife.
To get up in the morning and face the world
When your sense of self is being unfurled.
I thought maybe I was in a better place; but turns out hormonal teenagers rarely have space,
To think of others or the things they do
And the impact their words have on you.
By the time I was fourteen I was making myself sick
Partly for control, and for a way I could fit.
But by the end of year nine, I was feeling really shit.
I went on a trip away with my church
And a girl there said so much that hurt.
i took a wire to my neck and Praid it worked.
She’d been a golden girl at junior school, but this wasn’t even the extent of her cruel
I got engaged at the age of sixteen
To someone cold and calculated and very mean.
Golden girl saw this as game set match, and slept with him all summer in my mums house.
It wasn’t just girls that made me feel shit
The lads made it clear my face didn’t fit.
Lord of the rings nicknames in the name of fun,
my heart beating fast I was constantly on the run
I couldn’t concentrate always waiting the next attack, my grades suffered and I was held back.
I never stopped really wanting to die from the age of 15 until 25
It felt like my destiny that I must go, because of the inconvenience I caused you,
I wonder if you know that I feel like this,
I know for most of you your life’s not the Pitt’s
Teachers in Australia
Dancers on boats
Biomedical sciences
England sports people
People who look happy.
When my soul feels crappy
I’m getting to a point where I am ok,
But I want to know do you acknowledge my pain
Do you feel that feeling of wanting to die, dragging on through a decade of time.
Do you see my serious mental illness
that because of your behaviour is not mental wellness.
Do you realise that whilst you didn’t say, you stood allegiance to evil when it was at play.
That makes you as bad every day.
So no matter what it means to you, I’m sitting DD down to always know.
Those who stand neutral in situations of injustice side with the oppressor
No pressure.