How can I help my DD? 16 and still no friends

[AwesomeAutumn]

Hi,

My DD has always struggled to maintain friendships. She has the occasional friend, but it usually fizzles.

She's likely on the autistic spectrum (no diagnosis currently) and often feels like she just doesn't fit in and very much on the outside.

Recently she had to move schools, as she didn't make the grades to stay on at her old schools Sixth Form, which was her strong preference. Anyway, I know it's only been a week, but she hasn't made any friends and it sounds as though she isn't being included at all. She is trying, but by the time they get to this age they have all built up their friendships for years and DD is a complete newbie and a quirky one at that, so this was always going to be tricky.

She really threw herself into this and I was/am so proud of her courage and determination, but I have a horrible feeling she'll be spending the next couple of years completely on her own and feeling constantly not good enough. Under the circumstances, it feels like if it doesn't happen quickly, it's probably just not going to happen. I know that will sound defeatist, but I really do.

She said she'll just get her head down and work and "try not to be too sad" ☹️ but I honestly can't stand that. She has a lot of free periods now, so there's so much time potentially, for her to feel completely rejected and excluded.

She said that when she goes to sit somewhere, her classmates will sometimes stand up and move away. Again, I can't stand the thought of this. It must hurt her so much.

I'm not sure Sixth Form will be much help, as I suspect they'll just tell me they can't manufacture friendships and if she isn't actually being bullied, there's not much they can do.

Can anyone offer any advice? I know I will have to contact the school, but I don't really know what to say, which isn't like me.

TIA

Is there a sixth form college she can go to, rather than a school?

I guess her best chances will be to sign up for any of the enrichment classes in topics which interest her. She might be more likely to meet others with the same interests. Students often might be mixed up from friends so a good opportunity to meet some potential friends, especially with niche interests

@HereWeAreAtTheEdgeOfTheWorld this was the only place she could study A Levels rather than a Btech, which on balance, seemed right for her.

@lemonyellows she has joined one, but it's basically the same as her favourite subject and she hasn't met or connected with anyone there, but I'm hoping this will be different.

Just giving this a bump.

Worth talking to the head of sixth form about any opportunities to get involved across school- helping mentoring younger students, library etc? Any volunteering/ d of e type activities?
does she do out of school activities ?

Sorry to hear
Any team sports?
Or team activities? Anything you have a shared interest and have to come together often helps build relationships

I really feel for you and your DD as I'm in a similar position OP. It's heartbreaking to see isn't it. Does your DD have a diagnosis? It's something that DH and I have agonised over, but we know that a label would break DD's heart. In many ways, she is extremely high functioning, but friendships have been an issue all of her life. I don't have any answers, but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

Can I ask if you are seeking an assessment of ASD? Does your DD think she is ASD? It could be hugely beneficial for her to have a diagnosis as it can help her perceive her difficulties differently and perhaps meet more like minded girls/women. There may well be more support put in place at school, college etc. too.

Bookridden it really isn't a 'label' it is diagnosis. I have never seen a bad outcome of someone receiving the right diagnosis either. It may take a while to process and accept but ultimately it can be very important in terms of self-understanding, esteem and confidence.

I could have written this OP. I know exactly how it is.

Likewise my daughter is an introvert and I'm sure Asperger's.

It was heartbreaking watching her trying to fit in throughout her entire school life.

She's very intelligent and different, not a girlie girl, and intense.

It got a little better in 6th form where she joined a group of other "geeks".

Things improved when she went to uni, and again fell in with a geeky crowd.

But in truth she's never had a strong friendship group and is a peripheral figure.

She's now 24 and thank the lord has a boyfriend. The relief makes me tearful.

Encourage your daughter to join as many groups as may interest her.. drama, art, sport or whatever.

A shared interest will certainly help her to form friendships.

Good luck.

My ds is younger than your dd. He's much the same though, happy in his school work but doesn't make friends easily.

His school have been very good, encouraging him to join in with extra-curriculars, almost arranging something specifically to his taste at one point. It's worked, he has a small group of two or three friends and his confidence is growing.

Can you talk to the Head of Pastoral Care? Ask for suggestions. DofE? martial arts? Something other than a traditional team sport

One more thing..

She works in a cafe which has helped her come out of herself. So maybe something similar could help.

But joining groups was the breakthrough. She did drama, choir and finally a political movement was the real breakthrough about 2-3 years ago.

Sorry because this isn't an especially constructive comment but just wanted to say it's a credit to you and your relationship that she's so open about sharing this with you.

It must be so painful to see, because you know now wonderful she is. She will find who click with her, and love her. Some people just need a bigger pond to search in so it might not happen yet. I would try and make sure she's as happy in herself and as true to herself as possible. At school and sixth form everyone is falling over themselves to fit in and be as conventional as possible. It makes it hard for those with more interesting personalities to find their people. I know two years sounds an age but if she gets the grades and has the inclination to go to university then it will be so much easier to find people to get along with.

Try and reframe it for her to build up her confidence and resilience; when she meets people it doesn't matter if they like her, the question is does she like them? Kids who move away when she sits next to her sound like immature arseholes not worthy of any effort.

Also just in case you were worrying about her potential autism being a barrier for good friendships, one of my best friends is autistic. He wasn't popular at school but has a solid group of very friends now who think the earth of him and who thoroughly enjoy his company because he is who he is.

It could help for her to get a Saturday job, to meet people of different ages/backgrounds etc. and see that the world is bigger than school/sixth form.

Another one here @AwesomeAutumn sharing this issue. My DD is 16 and also has no friends and struggles so much with this.

She has just had a confirmed ASD diagnosis, but this wasn't a surprise! As @Grimbelina says, it hasn't been an issue for her to have the diagnosis, as it has helped make 'sense' of who she is and why she thinks/acts the way she does. @Grimbelina

But the friendship aspect is so sad. My dd finds it hard to do chit-chat, and she has low tolerance for anything she has no interest in, and despite us talking through things like social cues and norms, she just doesn't get it, which makes her an outsider. She can't feign interest or recognise that in order to make and keep friends, it's give and take; you do things that may not be a priority for you, but that may be important to others- eg going into shops you don't like when meeting in town (e.g Primark!) or talking about subjects that may be a bit boring, even just for a few minutes.

I've tried every thing to support her but I don't know if you can be taught this stuff or learn it, if you don't understand it? I guess it just is who she is. In the meantime, she spends a lot of time alone wondering what's wrong with her. And it totally breaks my heart.

If others are moving away when she sits down, this is deliberate exclusion and equates to bullying. Tell the school what’s happening - at the very least they need to feel responsible for turning out such unpleasant students.
Otherwise one should be able to expect a degree of maturity from sixth-formers. Your daughter is still very new. It might be possible for a kind member of the pastoral team to co-opt a nice group into buddying up with her to help her find her feet: there should and will be students who are genuinely shocked at the idea of a new colleague feeling so lonely and isolated.

My DD has had a summer job which has really helped and made her come out of her shell a bit. She finds interacting with adults ok and most seem to be very kind and they 'get her' because she is funny and smart. It's just the teen girl thing, which is difficult for everyone, let alone if you have ASD! .

She has 1 more year at school and then hopefully she'll find her people once she starts college. But the last few years have been so hard and it's sad to see her struggle so much, especially when there are so many other pressures during this final year.

My dd is the same and had the same experiences as your dd has. She is 19 now and things are slightly better. She has a part time job which did wonders for her confidence and she chats well with her colleagues and is friendly with them. She made several online friends through a discord server which has helped the loneliness a bit. She has a boyfriend now which I was happy about at first although now I'm not keen on him as he is a bit critical of her.

She is about to start university and I am praying she finds her tribe. I'm not hopeful to be honest but she seems confident about joining societies etc so maybe she will finally make some good friends.

I do feel for you - it's so hard for you and her and I wish I had more advice!

Can you tell us a bit more about the type of sixth form? Ie what size is it? Private or state? At my school you could definitely tell the head of sixth form and they'd do all they can to try and help her make friends, have a quiet word with kind students who could look out for her etc

Could she look for a part time job? My same age niece recently got a job in a clothes shop and has met lots of new people.

Im in the same boat with my almost 15 year old. Year 9 and still not a single friend, she eats lunch alone every day and it breaks my heart 😭. She's also autistic.

Thank you for starting this thread op, it makes me feel less alone.

That's a shame but it's early days. If it's a school 6th form then I imagine they know each other.

I would personally message head of year 12. They might be able to encourage her to take part in group activity like Young Enterprise.

My DD is similar. She changed school start of Year 9 & a friend we already knew has been kind. But she still hasn't branched out & met people to see socially.

I wonder if a part time job would help? It's sometimes easier to chat when you have something to talk about.

She sounds like me at that age. I'm now in my mid-40s and still can't name anyone as a true friend. My human contact is with work colleagues who are nice in the main but I only have superficial affection for. I hate work events or anything social. I'm happiest on my own reading a book or watching Netflix.

I did sort of find a tribe at Uni but I'm no longer in contact with any of them. I am in contact with one childhood friend by email and WhatsApp.

It's been suggested I get tested but I am not a big fan because I see myself as shy and introverted rather than having a LD. I mask my shyness at work by really trying to maintain eye contact and putting on an act (I work in face to face customer service, a poor choice of job!) to meet my manager's expectations. I also don't need or want a label. I am me, people just have to deal with it.

I suggest to your daughter to find a job or pastime that puts them in contact with people even though they are annoying and loud and time-consuming, to learn how to deal with them. I still don't understand how most people are the way they are, but I can manage my interactions with them, I'm polite, but not always warm. I am practical and helpful. People like that. It's a learning curve.

My dad is like me. He lives a social life through my mum. He doesn't have any friends really, but he loves spending time with family. If it wasn't for my mum, he'd be reading in the conservatory for days on end, not seeing a soul.

@JustKen autism isn't a learning difficulty imo. It's a processing difference.

I’d echo others in suggesting joining groups.
Also maybe volunteer work; working with younger kids maybe, or in a charity shop?

They will have pastoral care, someone who can help advise even if it's giving her somewhere she feels safe and comfortable to go to at break times.

Definitely email her form teacher and ask for some support and advice.

If she has extended breaks amd free periods could she pop home to break the day up or is too far?

Good luck op. If it's any consolation having your support will be helping enormously .