Please help with nursery dilemma??

[mummymama81]

Posted this on another board but got no replies so trying again here.

My 3 yo moved up to the final room at nursery 6 weeks ago but still hasn't settled. He hates the new room, misses his old carers, and says it's "scary". On the days he attends he cries when he realises what day it is. He asks not to go and getting him into the nursery is a battle every day and horrible for him and me, and his Dad. All over the weekend he is so happy to be at home.

I was hoping it might improve once the oldest children left to start primary school but it doesn't seem to have helped. The carers always say "he's had a lovely day", but someone I know who works at the nursery said they've seen him sitting by himself in the corner not wanting to join in, and looking sad on a number of occasions.

I have tried to ask him about how he feels and all he says is he doesn't like it Abs it's scary. He said the bigger children are scary but as I said, this doesn't seem to have improved now that most if those have left.

Should we remove him or keep trying? There's obviously one year till reception. Do we try him with a new nursery for a year or would the upheaval of trying afresh with all new faces and new settling be too much? And what if he said he hated the new nursery and missed the old one? Is it "better the devil you know"?

Also, yesterday DS said "nobody likes me" which was horrible to hear and when I told him everyone likes / loves him he said a vehement "no". Very upsetting to hear but assume it's connected to nursery situation / maybe how he feels about being dropped off there??

I'm so sorry to hear this - I would perhaps try another nursery. He's clearly not happy there and a fresh change might be a good learning experience for him too.

I would speak to the room leader and say everything you've said here. Their response should decide whether you keep him there or move him.

How are nursery helping him settle?

I always say give it time but if someone has told you he's sitting sad on his own that would break my heart.
I'd look to possibly move.

This is so sad 😢 does the primary school that you are hoping to send your son to have a pre school? Could be worth looking into moving him there if so. My oldest daughter didn't settle at nursery, we moved her to the preschool at the primary and she loved it so much, she asked go an extra day, now in year 1 she still says how much she disliked nursery but loves school.

I would remove him.

What are nursery doing to help him with this?

I'd probably move him OP. It's a whole year, not just for his sake but also your sake as I'm sure you are stressed about it. Maybe be prepared though that he might respond the same to the new setting, it may be just a phase he is going through and not due to the new room at all. But it could go really well and you don't know until you take that chance.

I completely agree with this.

I'd speak to nursery and see what they are doing/suggesting to improve things. I will say that I think the transition to the preschool bit can be tricky. DD1 had a phase just after she moved into the 3-5s from the 2s section where she said she didn't want to go to nursery and got really upset, even though she had loved nursery since starting at 18mo (and her nursery is all a big open space so it's not like she was even moving rooms physically). I think just the transition unsettled her and perhaps the change of pace from the more 'baby' side of things and being with the bigger kids. It took a few weeks to resolve, then it stopped as suddenly as it had started and she's happily gone in ever since (she's 4.5 now).

Having said all that, the nursery should be offering more assistance than 'he's had a lovely day', especially if there's reason to believe that isn't the case. Our nursery were very good at helping when we had those few difficult weeks.

It’s troubling that the staff are giving you the generic ‘had a great day’ when you know from your friend that it’s not true. Based on that I would likely look for somewhere else but I would definitely speak to the manager and see what they say before making a final decision.

Agree you need to talk to the room leader properly. If they acknowledge the problem and have strategies, then give those a go. If not, consider a move. Maybe see if a potential new nursery would let him do a trial day or two and see how he reacts? Or at least let you take him on a tour or to an open day.

I would speak to the nursery and come up with a plan. I think 6 weeks is still very much in the settling in time and I don't think this is necessarily unusual, but it isn't something you'd want to see another 6-8 weeks down the line. I think I would approach it as, change is difficult and it takes time to get used to new experiences, and what can you/nursery do to support him adapting?

Next year, he'll be going to school and that will also be a big change. What would you do if he struggles in a similar way with starting school? Whatever that is, I would take that approach now.

I don't think kids benefit from lots of big changes. He's already had a big change. A new nursery will be another big change, as will school next year. I'd try to keep things as familiar as possible, but also set him up to minimise the disruption at the start of school. Will he be going to school with the children from nursery? Could you reach out to another parent to see if they'd like to set up a playdate? Who were his good friends before the move up? Could you reach out for a playdate with them to help him re-connect? Could be bring a comfort item with him each day? What else could the nursery suggest?

Thanks, helpful comments. @mindutopia I think your comment resonates particularly as that's what I've been thinking - that another change to all new nursery might be too unsettling. Despite being a lovely bubbly boy he is also sensitive.

Weirdly his friends moved up with him so it's not like he doesn't know any of the children. His 3 main friends are all in there. The staff ratio has increased to 1:8 from 1:4 though so that might be overwhelming and the carers in the old room were particularly lovely (and two of them had a soft spot for him I think - they said as much - very kind and playful with him).

I think I'll speak to the nursery. I've already done so but we mainly focussed on the drop off. The fact he's still not settling means I need to speak to them again, plus the intel from the person I know. However I can't tell them how I know that he's sitting alone in the corner, or I'll get the person into trouble as they are employed by the nursery and have told me on a friendship basis.

Not sure how to navigate the conversation. Last time they reminded me of the ratio and that staff are busy and can't always come over and engage DS etc.

The primary does have a nursery but it's full and oversubscribed.

I could have written this post in January when DS moved up. He was so settled and loved his key worker in the toddler room, but when he moved up, we had tears every morning, and I cried if I hate nursery. However we stuck with it and he now loves it and tells me all the fun things he did. It did take a few months for him to start remotely enjoying it, but week by week there was improvement. His nursery and new key worker were amazing, and they were honest with me when he had a rough day, or any other issues.

have a chat with them. If they continue to say that he is fine and having a great day. But I wouldn’t move him straight away just because he isn’t settled now. It can take a while, and like you said, moving them my make it even worse as they would lose all familiarity of the setting he knew

We had this with our son, though at a younger age and in the transition from the bigger babies room to the toddler room.

Drop off was awful, he'd scream and cry for an hour after I left him. I used to hear him all the way out in the car park and it was devastating.

Nursery were great when I raised concerns, they let him go back into his old room for a couple more weeks for the start of the day, then moved him into the bigger room during the day but on his own terms. Agree a few weeks, he eventually was fine going into the bigger room at the beginning of the day. His previous room's key worker really worked with him to support the transition.

I suspect the issue was new staff and an u familiar routine, versus the older kids being scary.

I'd definitely ask your nursery for support rather than taking him out. Kids are resilient and they will adapt, you just have to find a way to get there.

Children know best …. I was fobbed off by nursery teachers for several years - listen to your child. If a child has the correct environment / people then they will go in running …. If they don’t wonder why …. And trust your child