I feel so stupid - living situation

[feelaneffingidiot]

Been posting on mumsnet for years.

I’m at uni, mature student. Cared for my mum for years at home, and my younger sister for years before that. Went back to uni as an adult at 26. Originally at 26, the cheapest and best option was to go into halls. At 26 I didn’t stand out too much, all good.

That was in 2017. My mum got progressively more unwell and was effectively gaslit by the NHS for a long time who said nothing wrong. As she got worse and pressure piled onto me I had a breakdown and went home to my mum’s. One year out turned into two; then I went back to uni as it was online only in 2021. So could balance caring for mum and exams etc.

Then course went back semi face to face in Sept 2021. I was assisted by GP mum would be fine. Moved away again, as it was a bit last minute and housing crisis in the area I went for private halls.

Within 48 hours we realised my mum couldn’t live alone anymore. By January I was back home with her. Failed most of my exams. Mum diagnosed with dementia, had to pack up her house. Two weeks later my granny died out of the blue.

At that point whatever good mental health I had left decided it was packing up and leaving too. I had no other home to go to, except for uni halls - couldn’t afford a deposit on private rental - I couldn’t work looking after mum, and I couldn’t claim benefits due to still being at uni albeit not always able to study.

My uni are extremely supportive and have worked with me to guarantee my flat until I graduate - this has given me stability, same GP surgery, support on site if I need it, etc. Plus it means I can keep some of my/my mum’s stuff.

But on the other hand, I’m 32, and in student accommodation. Been told by uni staff I’m not the oldest, and not to worry - support worker said there’s far more complex situations, but it’s difficult not to feel stupid.

I like my flat … the only issue - noise aside -& is that each year in halls every other room changes tenant and I’ve four new flatmates.

I should have graduated in 2021 - instead I was retaking my third year exams this summer. By some miracle I passed them with good results (first/upper second). I’m now going into my final year - first classes tomorrow - two years after I should have graduated.

I can completely understand that it would be strange if you were 18 and your roommate was 32. But I feel so bloody stupid. It’s all en-suite, we only share a kitchen, but when I go through, I’m completely blanked. I’ve got anxiety issues but said hi, introduce myself, smile, etc - nothing back. They’re all sitting in the kitchen laughing and I can’t even go through and make myself toast.

I’ve got enough going on at uni that I don’t need to be at home a lot during the week at least, I’ve got placement, classes, society stuff I’m involved with - but I’m feeling so bloody alone and isolated tonight.

I can't believe you've persevered with uni thru all of that to be honest. You should be bloody proud of yourself.

I don't have any solutions but I just wanted to offer my online support and understanding. They are 18 and just kids but they should show a little friendliness. Maybe -putting the best spin on it- they feel awkward and shy because you are older?
I have no idea what you can do to break the ice. Maybe choose one who seems more approachable and offer a cup of tea/coffee sometime. Try to get to know one of them and hopefully they will be able to show the others you just want to be a friendly flatmate.
18 year olds can be fickle and self-absorbed but they are mostly friendly. I'm sure they aren't aware how they come across to you.
You have achieved so much to get through to this final year, you have been so strong, don't let them stop you from completing your course.
Have you met any friends at university?
I wish you all the very best this year. I hope the flatmates are just young and unaware.

I'm sorry you feel so down. You've had a very difficult few years and yet - AND YET - you've kept going. And you're doing well. You are amazing.

Your flatmates are young, presumably away from home for the first time, and a bit giddy & keyed up. They may be too immature to cope with your experience, or they may turn out brilliantly. It's too early to tell.

It'll all be worth it.

I'm sorry you've been dealt a shitty hand, but it sounds like you've done the absolute best you can and as much as anyone else could do. Best of luck for your final year!

Your dedication and perseverance is incredible, so impressive. It’s really hard to feel like an outsider, particularly in your own home BUT after all the challenges you’ve been through try to remember that this is for a very temporary period and you have gone through much worse than this. It’s horrible that they’re not being at least friendly to you, I don’t think there’s much excuse for that. They need to grow up

You're heroic, not stupid. Hang in there, it will be worth it. The living situation isn't ideal for you obviously, but just focus on the fact it will be a distant memory soon enough.

You are amazing!

Make most of studies, in time u might connect with others on the course, u probably haven't got much in common with much younger students anyway. Think forward and best of luck

It's probably a bit strange for them, particularly if they have young parents (under 40, say), it might feel as though you're a parental figure.

As someone posted earlier, approach each of them on their own. Offer them a drink if you're making one for yourself, or toast, whatever.

You've done amazingly so far and this is such a minor blip with everything you've already been through.

You are amazing.
Really strong to persevere through all the difficulties and challenges you have faced. And brave to go back to studying as a 'grown up'
So you are not going to let a few freshfaced teengers intimidate you.
They are all excited and noisy and only brave in packs.. you have handled more hassle than they have had hot dinners.
You can do this...
Go make your toast.. ask what they have been up to this weekend.. tell them you are out on ??.. but maybe can catch for a chat on ?? if they are around...
Smile and nod... it will get easier with practice.
You have got this.
Just be you!

Sounds like you've done brilliantly keeping going through all that. I know you said you like your flat and the uni are supporting you to stay in it which is great. But are there any other flats for post-grad students who would probably be a bit older? Could you consider a move to one of them? I hope things work out OK and I'm sure it will once the freshers settle in. But don't be afraid to speak to the uni about a move if you think it'd be better for you. Your final year is important. All the best.

Could you perhaps talk to your uni to see if you could move to a flat with other mature students? (I don’t know if this is possible it’s just a thought). As a pp said this is temporary and will pass, they may well warm up as time goes on. Also - you are amazing!

Go and make your toast!!

You've overcome so much, don't let them stop you from eating! They are likely just unthinking rather then intentionally being unkind.

I agree though a better set up with mature students might be better longer term for you if that's an option.

Oh thank you all so much, am a bit tearful reading messages. I don’t feel very amazing or heroic all the time but thank you so so so much . Living with other mature students was discussed over the summer however the accommodation belongs to three different providers now I think - and as far as I know they were having enough of a crisis that they just had to throw everyone in wherever they could - I was allowed to keep my room to prevent having to pack up everything up and move it.

There is accommodation further into town that’s more suited to postgrad/PGCE students yes - if after a couple of week it doesn’t improve I’ll ask about a move and see what they say; if not I can cope, but I’ll persevere just now with trying to get a conversation going and offer a drink etc.

Yep re age gap it did occur to me that I’m probably closer in age to their parents.

Hopefully it’s first week excitement for them, and a bit of nerves on my part too, and it’ll settle. I’ve got enough with my final year that I should be kept fairly busy, and have thankfully got friends on the course that I usually sit with too, so that side of things is OK thank goodness.

Wow OP you are doing so well! Please don’t let this bunch of immature teenagers put you off your final year; the end of a very tough road is in sight and you’ve totally got this!

I appreciate it’s miserable living with strangers though. Have you asked if you can change for this year? Failing that, I would just spend more time in the kitchen in your shoes. I know that sounds like an awful idea, but you live there too, you are totally entitled to make and eat your toast there. Plus if you pleasantly say hello and smile every time you walk in, it just makes them look like fools if they blank you. Take a book with you so you can have something to do so you don’t feel awkward but put it down to say hi if anyone walks in. Then if they don’t answer pick it back up and carry on eating. In your shoes I’d also make some sort of peace offering if you can afford it - make a big vat of chilli and say they can help themselves or bake a cake or buy a pack of bourbons. They at least surely have to say “yes please” or “no thank you” to that?!

When I was at uni they put mature and foreign students into their own building. I understand it worked better than having mature students in with 18 year old Brits as typically the foreign students were less likely to party and more into quiet socialisation. Could you ask if your uni offer something similar

They are all young and clueless, but I would recommend just chatting with them, introducing yourself, asking about them. Explaining you are a mature student and what that means. Uni life is completely new to them and things that are obvious to you, won’t be to them. Unless you do this how do they even know you are a fellow student and not the apartment boss or something?

I was a mature student at 30 and just did not fit in with the 21 year olds at all. It was so awkward and uncomfortable. At some universities the mature students can access the graduate bar. Could you ask?

you’re going into this with the wrong mindset.

Whilst you have your own struggles, just bear in mind that your flatmates may have things on their mind too as opposed to just writing them off as ignoring you.

It’s probably the first time they have lived away from home and with flatmates. They’re likely feeling scared a bit, missing their families, feeling overwhelmed etc rather than just being horrible by blanking you. I think as the proper adult, make a point to say hello to them when you go into the kitchen even if they’re not receptive. Maybe they don’t have the best social skills and don’t have enough initiative, but it doesn’t mean you can’t develop a friendship with them in time.

They likely know how to bond with people their own age, but not someone a decade older. You might be the only 30+ year old they know. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it might mean that they haven’t properly developed their social skills or how to approach you because they’ve been in a bubble. Mature students are common at uni, and in time they’ll see you as just another student. But I guess it’s breaking through that initial awkwardness, which will happen