Cannot cope at work, don't know what to do

[FFSparenting]

I hope someone can help. I recently started a secondment which is a step up but having been doing it for 3 months but I just feel it is beyond me and making me feel so low.

I think I should be able to do it. I am 44 and have been working in my field for years but I don't have any confidence in my abilities. The role calls on me to solve lots of problems and come up with a strategy but it's so complicated I don't know where to start. Everyday I just do the more straight forward bits as I don't have the headspace, confidence or experience to do it. I cry often at work, anxiety all the time and just try and get through the days. It is sapping the joy in my life because even in free time I am thinking about it.

I have a 2 year old son and doing this job 4 days a week I find exhausting. But I know others seem to hold down high profile jobs full time, 3 kids etc. so why can't I do this?

I have always found jobs really hard, and have a pattern of letting work overtake me and make me miserable. I often wonder if there is a job I can do which doesn't make me anxious but don't know what that would be. Careers seem to be set up for people who are outgoing and confident and harder for introverts.

I just want it all to stop so I can think.

The only ideas I have are to ask to end the secondment early - but that will come with a huge feeling of failure and lower my confidence further.

I feel your pain.
i am sorry you are going through this.
I was in your place with one particular job a few years ago. I felt I couldn’t breathe properly and my life had no colour left. I was not present for my kids and it took a terrible toll on me physically (I stopped eating).
i managed for 4 months.
i just upped and left.
No regret.
Life is too short. If I were you I would request an early end. Just say it isn’t for you.
Or if it is for you and there are training possibilities to make up where you feel the stress, then do request it.

The thing is you’ve been given this role as they feel you can do it. Only you know if you can. And you’ve a right to say ‚actually I don’t like this role. My life is short. Someone else would be better for it. And that is fine.‘
You mustn’t regret not finishing stuff that makes you unhappy. That’s just the sunk cost fallacy at work.

It could make a massive difference to your confidence to tackle a more complex job first, when you are freshest at work. I often find things I think are going to be complicated and difficult are nowhere near as bad as I think once I've revisited the task/details/emails. Can you speak with your line manager to get some guidance on how to deal with a task? What kind of work are you doing?

But it won’t be any kind of failure to give up this secondment, if that is what you decide to do. You have one life to live. Why waste it on feeling like shit, stressed, worried because you are trying to prove something to yourself or others? Some times things just don’t work out, and that’s fine. We move on to the next thing. We are constantly brainwashed to believe that we need to give our all to our jobs, to our “careers”, not matter how bad they make us feel. You should be working to live and not living to work. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You don’t owe anything to anyone, only yourself.

You are letting the work control you. Take back that control.

Break the big jobs down into smaller jobs and that way you feel you are making progress once you tick them off your list. You won’t feel so overwhelmed either. When you get to something on your list you feel you can’t do - try it and if you need to ask for help, or bounce your thoughts off a colleague then do so at that stage.

Everything you manage to complete in the big/complex tasks will give you confidence to move on to the next step.

What support do you have for this role? Who done it before? Does anyone else do a similar role that you could speak to?

I appreciate you feel overwhelmed, but all is not lost!

You say you have a pattern of letting work overtake you and make you miserable; which makes me think it would be more helpful to try to tackle that pattern rather than give up (as the problem will recur elsewhere, and it doesn't seem to be an issue with your actual skills).

Can you describe a bit more what happens in this scenario?

Meant to say “give all our lives to our jobs, ….”.

Do you think with some guidance and advice you could pick it up? Do you want to get to the point where you feel confident, or are you set on walking away from it? The reason I ask is because to me it sounds like you could do with a mentor to give you some advice and guidance on how to tackle the job. I don't think you need training as such (obviously I don't know you though, so just assuming) but just someone who has been there and done that to give you some pointers and general advice. Is there anyone in your organisation who might be able to provide that kind of support? Someone the same level as you now, with a bit more experience, or just a level above you who has been through a similar project?

Product manager here. Solving big, complex, interconnected problems and resolving them into strategic actions is a good description of what I do. You need to stop doing small tasks in a random order and take a step back to think about the whole problem.

Get a big piece of paper or whiteboard or online whiteboard program and put down headings for each main area, either in a line horizontally so you can make lists below, or in a mind map.

Next, under or around these headings write down everything you know and everything you need to know about that aspect in different colours.

Turn things you need to know into actions you can take to find out these things - research, workshops, 1-2-1 chats.

These actions are your work plan. Organise these in a kanban project management tool like Trello to show what you need to do, organised with the most important one at the top, in descending order. Move that one along to the next column to show what you are doing, and and then to the next column when you have done.

Carry on doing the things and making mind maps until things make more sense in your head and you are ready to move forward with your strategy.

I meant to add, I am also an introvert. There is a lot of good guidance online about thriving as an introvert at work. Could you seek out other new starters to talk to? This wad very reassuring for me as I realised other people were facing the same issue.

Can you share some links about introverts at work @AltheaVestr1t? I've just started a new job, and I'd be interested to read a bit around this. Thanks!

I think is a mental health issue. My advice is to talk to your GP about getting signed off sick for a week. Give yourself some breathing space. Consider whether CBT or general counselling might help. Does your employer offer an employee assistance programme with mental health support? I also wonder whether a mentor or work coach might help you. Lastly - at risk of pointing out the obvious - have you considered talking to your line manager and asking if there is any support or training they can offer?

Big complicated things at work can't be done on your own or quickly. You need to think of part of your work as wading through the confusion and talking to the right people to discuss the issues and then coming up with a plan. That plan will almost always involve other people . It isn't easy. It can be scary and you need to be able to tolerate not always knowing exactly how to proceed straightaway

This all takes time and can be stressful but if you don't enjoy at least parts of the process it can be unbearable and there is absolutely no shame in that. Not everyone is suited to every job and and that is fine

I really feel for you OP. I'm in a professional role and always felt competent at work and pretty able to ask for help if I was struggling. But recently, my own confidence in my abilities has just taken a huge nosedive and I am noticeably anxious when before I never have been.

I think it's peri menopause related so I need to get help if I can, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Speak to your gp about your anxiety and loss of confidence
talking therapy and some antidepressants for short term use may help
if it’s perimenopause then HRT

do you have a supportive manager you can speak to to talk through the work?

You have options. If you think ahead to a happy future, what does that look like? Is it you feeling relaxed and happy in this role, or is it you doing a different role? Whichever it is there is a way to make it work.

There is all kinds of support that you could ask for to help you settle into your current role - mentoring, specific training, anxiety coaching, help with different ways of managing and planning tasks.

Equally, it’s totally OK to say it’s not for you and step away. You are in control of your choice here. You get to decide what you want to do.

Are you familiar with the Comfort Zone and Growth Zone? If not, it’s well worth a read. It can be helpful to know that there is a general understanding of how you are feeling and that you’re not alone with it.

positivepsychology.com/comfort-zone/

Which bits can you do, and which do you feel are beyond you? I'd make a list of those. Then think why they are beyond you. Do you need more training/mentoring/experience of using a system at work?

Then think how you can get the training you need to feel confident at work. Take it from there.

You must have been chosen for the secondment because your boss thought you could do it!

Thank you all so much for your replies, some brilliant advice here. As someone said I think there might be a mental health issue going on so have made a GP appointment and will see what they say. I just feel I am letting everyone down.

I recently had 2 weeks off on leave due to childcare and it took several days to feel better but once I had stopped worrying about work I felt much better. So do feel it has been triggered by work but there is an underlying mental health issue or it's the way I react to stress.

I have said to my line manager I'm not confident in the role and asked for a mentor but nothing happened. I also said I'm finding it very stressful and asked for help to prioritise but she is really leaving it to me. I think she is also overworked.

What I'd really like if I think of a happy future is to do say 3 days a week in a relatively straight forward role so I can enjoy my son's pre-school years which I know will go by in a flash. I don't think we could afford to but will look into it.

There's no shame in giving up a job that isn't the right fit. I gave up a permanent role on that I couldn't settle into. I've had 2 jobs where really I should have moved on as quickly as possible because I hated them and they were the wrong fit.

Hi, just wondered a few weeks on how you were feeling about this and if you’d reached any decisions? I’m in the same position as you and feeling very similar. So much guilt that I haven’t managed to have small children and still hold down a fast paced demanding job or be on track for promotion - I mean I am doing it but hanging on by a thread. Debating trying a career break in the new year when I should be able to afford it but that seems a long way away. I really relate to what you say about the lack of confidence and anxiety about starting new projects - I just don’t have headspace and find it overwhelming. I have a jobshare partner who is losing patience with me which makes it worse. It’s so hard! Always happy to chat if that helps x

Hi @Corilee2806 thanks so much for your reply, it helps so much to know I'm not alone. The GP told me it's quite common with working mums I feel like it must be, we can't be the only ones! My situation is that I have now come to the end of 3 weeks sick leave and tomorrow I am starting a phased return and working mornings. I am still none the wiser really about what to do but thinking about reducing my hours perhaps from the New Year. I am going to use the leave I have left to have regular days off until then. I have felt so much better this past few weeks, I know it is all due to not having any time to myself to think, it's that simple and it slowly ground me down. I feel bad as I'm sure lots of people have it a lot harder than me and my job isn't even that pressurised compared to most standards. I just have no confidence at work at all so not sure how that will work when I start back again. I am also starting counselling this week too which I feel really good about and hoping it will help me cope better at work. I just wish I didn't have to work financially so I could enjoy time with my son. I am hoping I can find a way to not worry as much about work.

If you are feeling like this I think a career break would be really helpful, sort of a reset. Really we are just having a normal reaction as we have too much on our plates! Would be great to chat, maybe we can help each other through this.