Excuse me while I get this out of my system!

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

We're putting our house on the market. All four of us have been discussing it for months and agreed that it was the right thing to do, especially since school started back. We're actively looking forward to the lifestyle changes it will bring for both adults and kids.

The place has been neglected for the last year due to my crappy mental health. It's dirty; layers of dust everywhere, grimy handprints on the doorframes, the sort of stuff that I used to keep on top of. And the half acre of garden ran wild.

I've been working on it for a few months, so the garden is about 80% tidy, and the house is getting better, but it's a slog on my own and DH is too busy. I'm currently going cold turkey from one antidepressant (not usually recommended but in this case my GP didn't want the drop in mood that would come with tapering) so I'm in withdrawal, plus having side effects from the drug I'm replacing it with, but it's not really working either so the best mood I can pull myself into is a sort of emptiness.

DH has been actively resisting my every effort to get the place ready for the market. If I declutter stuff to the attic, he'll take it back down (and it's kids' stuff that I've discussed with them, not anything that'll affect him). I tried to rehome our chickens because they can't go with us, and he told me not to go through with it because he had promised them to someone else. But that was two months ago and they're still here, and I don't have contact details for the guy who's supposed to be taking them. DH is just pushing back constantly and gets angry if I 'nag'. It's fucking exhausting. I barely have the strength to manage myself through this, never mind forcibly drag him. He finds change hard (I nearly divorced him the last time we moved house, he was so angry constantly till about 6 months after we moved), but he's aware that it's an issue. He even apologised for doing this last time (3 years later). So I'm walking on eggshells, reluctant to mention the whole thing.

The estate agent is coming today to do a valuation. There's a load of rubbish on the back patio that he moved out of the garage. I can't show the agent the garage because DH's bitey ferrets are running loose in it. The whole house needs tidying and hoovering and the grass needs cutting, which is a two hour job in itself, but I can't get the mower out of the garage. Our bedroom is half painted since three weeks ago and there's painting equipment everywhere. If I paint, he gets angry, accuses me of doing it wrong and redoes it, so I daren't finish it. There's a pile of his laundry on the bedroom floor that I washed, dried and sorted but he can't be arsed putting it away and has just left it there.

When he was leaving to drop the kids to school this morning, he told me he was going to go to the office for the day. We normally work from home, and while we're supposed to be in the office once a week, his boss isn't that fussed and there have been plenty of weeks when he didn't need to go in. Today, when the pressure is on to get the house up to scratch, he suddenly felt like going. I took two days' leave yesterday and today to try and get it sorted, and he just jumped ship. He asked me if I needed him here, and I said no, because he obviously wanted me to or he wouldn't have asked, and if I'd said yes, he'd have stayed so ungraciously it would have made things worse. It couldn't have been more obious that he was needed here.

I just feel like crying. I'm sitting on my ass now complaining here instead of cleaning, because I thought getting it out of my system might help, but it's not. I just don't have what it takes to carry him at the moment.

Get it valued as is.

Ask the estate agent if you cleared and cleaned what would the valuation be.

Nothing like a bit of extra cash as a carrot to get stuff sorted.

Sending you a very big cuddle. Is there someone who can give you a proper cuddle and a shoulder to cry/rest on? You are dealing with an awful lot on your own and doing well so far - you managed to self motivate and book two days annual leave to sort this and have booked a valuation despite struggling with your mental health.

I agree with the PP, get the house valued as it is now and ask what the valuation would be if the house was in a better condition.

When your DH gets home today, tell him (or write it down and hand to him) what you have said here. Remind him that he did this last time and you cannot cope if he does it again. Tell him that you also can’t cope with his anger. And this is the important bit - tell him that you are not prepared to get the house ready for sale without his help and nor are you willing to put up up with him if he behaves the way that you did last time. This all means that plans to move are on hold until he sets out exactly how he will be pulling his weight. If your children ask about the move just explain the situation to them. I really think you should write this down.

I've told him all of it, over and over. I've written it down, I've emailed. I woke him up in the night once 12 years ago to tell him I was suicidal; he rolled over and went back to sleep. I asked him a few years later why, and he said he 'didn't know what to say'. He's neurodivergent and doesn't seem capable of dealing with my emotions. Though he can manage staff with issues in work, with empathy and sensitivity, so I don't know what's different at home.

I don't have anyone to talk to, just Mumsnet.

I wonder if you'd still be depressed if you were with someone who supported you and carried the mental load equally?

"Nagging" is a bullshit accusation used by men to get away with not doing their share.

Editing post to say well done for everything you've achieved so far, and sending you all my supportive thoughts for the next weeks/months.

He can make all sorts of promises about what he'll do to help, but we both know he won't follow through. And then he gets angry with himself for not doing it, and me for reminding him. It's easier to do what I can myself, and leave the rest undone.

I agree with a pp, that your depression might be directly related him your dh. I was getting the rage just reading your post, I can't begin to understand how frustrating it must be to live this way.

It sounds like he's deliberately trying to sabotage the move. Just get it valued as is and take the hit on the price.

Do you want to move into a new place with him? It doesn’t sound like he adds to your life in any way. Do you have money to get professional cleaners and/or declutterers in?

He does carry a lof of the general load though. He drives the kids to nearly everything (possibly because it's easy and doesn't involve much thought?). If I can't pull myself together enough to cook, he'll just get on with it. Same with the laundry (except for putting it away). He remembers what's happening when - kids' appointments, playdates and things (I have cognitive impairment due to diabetes at the moment and I can barely remember my own name, so he has to!). He makes sure the pets are fed and have what they need. He just has very specific areas of capabilty. A bit like me, really. It's just that moving house and everything that goes with it comes under the heading of 'big, complicated, non-routine things' and they're usually mine.

No, not a spare cent at the moment; that's one of the many reasons for the move.

What do I say to the estate agent? I don't know how to explain that it's just grubbier that it really should be for the occasion that's in it, and clearly not really ready. But I don't know what to say without doing an enormous awkward overshare.

I have the kitchen and bathrooms looking okay; they're clean, the bathrooms are clutter-free and the kitchen just has a couple of shelves that could do with attention.

Ok. Well, do you want to move? Will moving improve your life? Can you manage the move on your own right now? If the answer is “yes”, then I think you need to accept that you will be doing it on your own without his help. Doing it on your own means you do it your way, don’t seek his input and don’t accept his opinions - if you need to paint, then paint, fuck his opinion on how well you paint! Sorry, I too have the rage on your behalf. He doesn’t get to opt out of moving while also criticising or sabotaging your efforts.

This might be unhelpful but I personally find rage a helpful emotion when I feel overwhelmed in an unfair situation but have no choice but to power through. It might be worth finding yours.

If you’re ok with an enormous overshare I think it’s fine to just do that. Save yourself the brain effort of having to come up with something else to say to him!

Or cancel the valuation? Then decide how you are going to do this. Because it will be you doing it all.

I would clear the air with your husband, a calm clear chat about what needs to be done to get house ready. Does he really want to move?

Whenever you declutter, load car and take off the premises - local refuse centre, recycling bins etc. To reduce DH undoing and stalling your efforts.

My ex-h was exactly the same: Aspergers, with empathy for others, not much for me. Hated change. Plus a hoarder/compulsive buyer...

nb Aspergers or ND doesn't automatically make someone behave like my ex-h. He was an arse. Which is very separate from his ND traits

You could just say to the valuer that the house is not as clean and tidy as you would like because you’ve been ill. I expect they’ll have seen much worse, and it’s not like they’re taking the photos today.

I was also reading your OP wondering if your low mood was linked to your angry and avoidant H.

So, hugs and first.

Practically, do the viewing today, checking what the agent says is the priority to change.
Ask him to come back in a month for comparison.

Then make a separate list- the jobs that will stay done. Anything he can sabotage he will, because he's unsettled by change. He can't sabotage some stuff. So do bite size chunks he can't interfere with- all your own decluttering and minimising. Get help from a friend or relative to get things out of the house, so he can't bring them back. Do small cleaning and redecorating jobs he won't notice so much.

It's shit, but try and improve things by stealth instead of making the biggest impact you can.

Do I want to move? Yes, absolutely.

The garden upkeep is just way beyond me and DH doesn't help.

It's too far out of town; DH is endlessly driving the kids in and out and it stresses him out.

The kids are far from their friends, at an age where they could have much more independence if we were in a town.

The road is a tiny, windy affair that people speed on and two of our beloved cats have been killed on it in the last 12 months. I don't even like looking out our bedroom window any more because of it.

It's absolutely not the right place for us and if I could leave today and not come back, I would.

I'd postpone the valuation tbh. In my experience the valuation is not affected by untidynesd or dirt. You won't suddenly get a highrt value because you've tidied up. How you present the house for viewings will affect how it appeals to buyers.

I'd postpone until you are at a point where you feel comfortable showing the EA around. That would be step 1.

Step 2 is the reaching a point where the house has been decluttered and is spotlessly clean. You then need to keep it that way.

I'd get a skip and just fill it (this includes emptying the loft and getting rid of all the 'use it one day' stuff).
Put your chickens on facebook.
The garage will be honking if there are ferrets in there. Can they go in a hutch in the garden so you can use the garage for storage/get at the lawn mower.
Clean one door (even just one side) a day whilst you are still sorting out.

Only have your pics taken when the house is at the best it can be......

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername please don't worry about what the estate agent thinks about anything. Yes, estate agents as a breed are not my favourite, but they have this in their favour - they will see far, far, FAR worse than anything you can show them pretty much every day of the week. They are not going to judge you and hopefully they can just give practical advice - if it's like this you can sell for this, if you do this you can up the asking to this, so on and so forth.
Don't make this harder than it is by caring what an estate agent thinks!

Hugs. You sound exhausted. You can do this.

Thanks for the support, everyone, it really does help : ) The agent has just left and she's absolutely lovely, so I'm feeling good about the whole thing. We have a busy weekend ahead of us clearing up a few things; I might ask my sister to come over and give us a hand.

It feels good to have taken that first step.

This.

Say you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, you're selling the house to be free of it and him.

Because that's what should be happening.