Son's 18th and my mum's dead

Devastatedx · 2023-09-08T07:36:43+00:00

It's my son's 18th birthday today. I should be happy and making it a special day. But his beloved nan and my dear Mum died 2 weeks ago. I can barely get out of bed. The anxiety is overwhelming. My heart is pounding even though it's broken. She was the centre of our tiny family. Life seems to have lost its purpose 😔

W0tnow · 08/09/2023 08:43

I’m sorry. My dad died on my daughter’s 15th birthday in the early hours of the morning. They were close. We looked at pictures of them together throughout her life. We were both lucky to have him.

It’s a special day. It can be sad as well. Happy Birthday to your son. It’s a milestone. What would your mum say to you about making it a special day for him?

Mrsjayy · 08/09/2023 08:44

Oh no I'm so very sorry you have lost her, what plans were made before she died,for his birthday?

TherapistInATabard · 08/09/2023 08:46

I’m so sorry @Devastatedx , that’s terribly sad. Your son will be having mixed emotions about the day as well, and I think the best thing to do is to be honest with each other about your feelings. I’m sure he’ll understand if you don’t feel able to celebrate with him.

AlwaysFreezing · 08/09/2023 08:49

Oh honey, I know that feeling. My mum died and I was so sad for all of the things she was going to miss. And my sons 18th birthday was top of that list.

But, and I mean this kindly, get up, get showered and get to making the day special with him. You'll be even sadder in years to come if you don't do this. I know it hurts. But try and put all that hurt to one side just for the day. What would your mum say to you if she could? Would she want you sobbing in bed?

The grief is so raw right now. I hope you are kind to yourself. Big love.

Mariposista · 08/09/2023 09:18

AlwaysFreezing · 08/09/2023 08:49

Oh honey, I know that feeling. My mum died and I was so sad for all of the things she was going to miss. And my sons 18th birthday was top of that list.

But, and I mean this kindly, get up, get showered and get to making the day special with him. You'll be even sadder in years to come if you don't do this. I know it hurts. But try and put all that hurt to one side just for the day. What would your mum say to you if she could? Would she want you sobbing in bed?

The grief is so raw right now. I hope you are kind to yourself. Big love.

Agree with this. It is so painful right now and will be for a long time. You probably haven’t had the funeral yet.
You do not need to have a full on party, but you can’t spend it in bed. Ask your son what he feels up to doing as a family (he will no doubt want to be with his friends too). That might be a nice family dinner, a cake, and you can raise a glass to his lovely nan.

JudyEdithPerry · 08/09/2023 09:23

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

DairyQueenforever · 08/09/2023 09:32

AlwaysFreezing · 08/09/2023 08:49

Oh honey, I know that feeling. My mum died and I was so sad for all of the things she was going to miss. And my sons 18th birthday was top of that list.

But, and I mean this kindly, get up, get showered and get to making the day special with him. You'll be even sadder in years to come if you don't do this. I know it hurts. But try and put all that hurt to one side just for the day. What would your mum say to you if she could? Would she want you sobbing in bed?

The grief is so raw right now. I hope you are kind to yourself. Big love.

Absolutely agree with this, in the kindest way your son needs you today to be his mum to be happy and excited for him.

Catsarego · 08/09/2023 09:40

It’s overwhelming isn’t it. After my mum died I truly, truly believed she’d come back to see my oldest son become a teenager. I thought if she doesn’t come back today she never will because she loved him so much. Of course she didn’t come but it really is all you want

Lobelia123 · 08/09/2023 09:41

Agree with the posters above - a heartbreaking time, but now the mantle has passed to YOU to be the center of the family and keep those bonds of love and belonging strong. You have to put aside the ME - ie your own grief, fear, loss and sadness, for your son, who will also be feeling all those things, and perhaps even guilt and anger in the mix. Let this be a celebration of life in honour of your mum.

KitchenSinkLlama · 08/09/2023 09:48

Im so sorry. Having lost a parent I know your pain.

I would really make some effort today for your son, whilst perhaps not the full blown affair he might have wanted.

In your circumstances I would plan an official birthday for him in 3 months, so he still has his right of passage.

💐

Pocketfullofcloud · 08/09/2023 09:50

As someone on the other side, I woke up on my 18th to my mum telling me that my Grandad had died.

If my parents hadn’t been strong, it would have struggled. I still went out for my 18th night out as planned, but had to come home early.

Please try for today. You’ll feel better for some fresh air. You don’t need to do anything extravagant but please do something. Go out for breakfast, spend time in a park with a picnic, light the bbq. The weather is perfect for simple outdoors.

Helenahandkart · 08/09/2023 10:01

I bet your mum adored her grandson and would have wanted him to have a wonderful birthday.
I think you should do what you can to throw yourself into it for him.
However, your son is probably more focused on celebrating with his friends than with his mum (no offence!) so I would encourage him to spend as much time as possible with them today/this weekend. It will allow him to put aside his own sadness and have a memorable and fun birthday, without having to worry that he’s not supporting you. I imagine he has mixed emotions and will be worried that he’s not allowed to enjoy today because of his granny’s death, so allowing him to step away from that responsibility for a little while could be a good thing.

RB68 · 08/09/2023 10:30

My Granmothers Funeral was the actual day of my sisters 18th Birthday We had family celebrations after the event but on the actual day she came to the funeral and so on and in the evening we had drinks and food with all our relatives on that side - she had a ball and does say it was great in the evening. Just the day was poor. Looking back I feel for her but at the time it felt liek the way things had to be.

I agree you need to put on a performance to at least celebrate your SOn as much as you can for his sake.

Having said that my friends DD buggered off for the weekend for hers and never spoke to any relatives not even her boyfriend for the whole week end!!!HAs no remorse for it either - extremely hurtful for all involved

Crunchymum · 08/09/2023 11:01

Oh bless you @Devastatedx such a awful, awful time.

I lost my mum very suddenly and unexpectedly a few years ago now and quite frankly life has never been the same.

Some brutal times followed, but I tried my hardest not to let my shock and grief effect the kids too much. Mine are younger so still needed me physically and emotionally. I couldn't take to my bed so kind of had to push through and I'm not sure if that actually helped? Fake it to you make it and all that?

Ultimately I'm sure your mum wouldn't want her death to cast such a shadow over the day. Can you cobble together a cake / some Prosecco and maybe a take away for later? Just something to mark the occasion?

Sending you strength and light at this most awful of times.

Original poster

Devastatedx · 08/09/2023 15:30

We've been to a pub. As we were getting back into the car, I turned to see where my mum was.

I'm sitting on the sofa desperately trying to keep it together.my son is now an adult and my mum is gone.😭

OP posts:

dramadealings · 08/09/2023 16:12

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. When my mum died suddenly two years ago, I didn't think I could go on. Just like you, my mum too was the centre of our family and it was to really inconceivable that she just wasn't there any more.

But I would (gently) echo what others have said. Take a shower, get dressed and do something for your son. You might even be surprised that you'll feel just a smidge of joy in the middle of the heartache. Everyone is different but for me, keeping busy was really healing.

We are now 3 years in from losing mum and I miss her every day but the intense agony of those early days and months has changed and it is an easier loss to carry. I hope that somehow you're able to find some joy in today. ❤️

AlwaysFreezing · 09/09/2023 09:52

Devastatedx · 08/09/2023 15:30

We've been to a pub. As we were getting back into the car, I turned to see where my mum was.

I'm sitting on the sofa desperately trying to keep it together.my son is now an adult and my mum is gone.😭

I'm pleased to hear you got out and your dc got their first legal drink in a pub, what a milestone!

Fwiw, it's been 5 years since I lost my mum. Even now I still go to tell her something. Someone famous that she loved was spotted in our local park, in a spot she loved and I got up out of my seat to show her the photo.

Like @dramadealings said, the grief does change (and I like the phrase an easier loss to carry) but right now you're in the thick of it. Well done for getting up and out. I hope today is kind to you.

HoppingPavlova · 09/09/2023 10:09

Your son may technically be an adult but he still needs you. Take care.

OhGingleBells · 09/09/2023 10:32

My Nan died the week before my 18th birthday. We all attempted to carry on with the day as normal but I ended up breaking down completely and cried on and off all day. Would have probably been better if we’d acknowledged it on the day rather than trying to pretend everything was okay.

Hardest part was the birthday card already signed from her waiting for me and the realisation that nobody would ever get a card from her again.

I like the idea above of raising a glass to her.

So sorry for your loss and sending you lots of love. Hope your son manages to have a lovely day. x