How to ask awkward socialising question

[Watchkeys]

A friend has invited us out for her birthday dinner at a restaurant, but we can't tell from the message she sent whether it's just us or a group of her friends. We can't bear to go out with a big group of her mates, but can't think how to ask 'Is it just us or a group?' without insinuating that we don't like her friends. Any ideas?

‘Ohhh lovely, I’ll check and let you know if we can make it. Is it just us or a big group?’

I don't think asking if it's a big group insinuates that you don't like her friends. Just ask.

Taking out the private bits what is the wording used?

Is it that you don’t like her other friends, or you can’t cope with big groups?

I think it's the asking before we say yes or no that's the issue.

Perfect

I really think you're overthinking it.

How about ringing the restaurant and asking how many people are included on the booking?

Bit of both really. We're the quiet ones, she's got quite a boisterous social circle. We're quite incompatible in a lot of ways, but she's ever so nice!

@hylian

Thanks for your judgement.

"Fabulous, thanks for inviting us! Daves put, I'll check with him when he's back. What kind of dinner is this, just us 4, a cosy group or bells and whistles disco till dawn?"

@dudsville

That would have worked except she invited us about 3 days ago :)

Tbh if she's a good friend your fond of, wouldn't she know you're the quiet ones and don't like big groups? I'd just ask and tell her why.

😕There was no intention to offend you.

I just think you are overthinking it and I don't think most people would make that assumption that you don't like their friends.

That wasn't intended to be a rude comment.

Although to be honest, what I would actually do in your situation is simply tell the friend that I'm not keen on socialising in big groups. If it's a good mate then you can just tell them how you actually feel surely?

If they're going out with a big group I would offer to take them out and treat them separately.

Thanks @hylian.

This one sounds best.

Do you want to celebrate with her. If yes then I think you should celebrate in the way she has planned unless you are going to say something absolutely dreadful has happened in the past.

This is a good point. That's what's making it awkward, really.

I think if she’s a good friend and is planning a birthday then you should grin and bear whatever the plans really (as long as you can afford it obviously). You don’t have to stay with the big group the whole night, dinners only take 2 hours so just need to put on your party pants for 2 hours then make your excuses.

In saying that, as an introvert, I really appreciate knowing what I’m walking into so I think it’s totally fine to ask what the plans are and who else is going, so you can mentally prepare for the event.

This obviously only applies if they’re just boisterous and loud and not quite your tribe and not if they’re actually horrible to be around though!

This really! Even if it is a big group meal, just make sure you're sad with your partner, enjoy your meals and don't put yourself under pressure. It's fine to be a bit quieter.

Can’t you just endure the big group if that’s what it turns out to be? You say she’s lovely, and it’s just one night.

This. Simples

And, as PP suggested, if it is the big group, invite her to celebrate with just you some other time - though bear in mind you will need to cover the bill as it's your invitation.

If you’re only prepared to celebrate her birthday if she does it in a way you like, I’d just be honest and tell her that, but invite her to do something at another point as your treat.

Thanks, all, for your suggestions.